Again and again, Midori reminded us that BDSM is fundamentally about play and that play is a necessary component of being a mammal. As humans, engaging in cultural and societal norms are what’s encouraged and there’s the unspoken-ness that we are expected to grow out of this desire for play and replace it with what – the weight of responsibility and an absence of fun?
What would you say to new parents needing to have “The Talk” with their child?
The most important thing to remember is that it’s not just one talk - educating your children about sex is a series of conversations you have over the course of their lives. You should give young children age-appropriate information and introduce bodily autonomy and consent so they can speak up when something isn’t right. For older children and adolescents, answer their questions as they come up and prepare them for the next stages in their lives in a comfortable, natural way, as if you were discussing their chores or homework. Why is that important? They will glean how they should feel about sexuality from you, and if you’re nervous or ashamed, they will pick up on it and adopt the attitude themselves. Use cultural queues to start conversations, such as song lyrics or scenes in TV shows or movies, and ask your children if they understand what is being said/shown, and if they don’t, ask them if they’d like to understand. Give them the information they need without overwhelming them, and allow them to ask for more.
A quick google search defines ethical porn as: “that which is made legally, respects the rights of performers, has good working conditions, shows both fantasy and real-world sex, and celebrates sexual diversity.” (abc.net.au) For the mainstream pornography viewer, ethics may not be something that comes to mind when you’re picking out masturbation material. This lack of thought is a result of the misrepresentation of sex work, coupled with the problematic ideology that unethical practices are just something that is both accepted and expected within the porn industry. Ethics should be the main priority in both the production and consumption of all pornography-sex work is work- and all people deserve to be treated as human beings at their job.
So, you want to get your sex therapist certification, but in-person classes aren’t a viable option in today’s world and it might not be right for your lifestyle or schedule in the future. If this sounds like you, we have great news! Sexual Health Alliance is currently offering sex therapist certification online.
Certified Sex Therapist and Sexual Health Alliance (SHA) founder Heather McPherson was a guest speaker on Nicoletta Heidegger’s podcast Sluts and Scholars. Podcast host Heidegger is a licensed marriage and family therapist and sex therapist; she chats with people from sexuality, kink, and professional spectrums about desire, pleasure, shame, and stigma around these issues. Guest McPherson begins the podcast by giving the audience a little taste of what SHA has to offer for its participants and students.
When becoming a Sex Therapist, it is vital that you first look within and be honest with yourself about the potential harmful ideologies we have picked up along our lifetime. Biases arise from our experiences and the information we gather in life, which is filtered through our identity and culture. Some of our biases are known to us and some are unknown or hidden. No one is immune to society's socialization tactics, however, it is our moral obligation as sex therapists to recognize, confront, and overcome these.
Dr. David Ley, clinical psychologist, sex therapist, and internationally recognized author, who specializes in sex-positive sex therapy and sexuality issues gave a two-day conference covering modern sexual issues in education and therapy. He began his lecture by emphasizing that we have allowed sexual shame, morality, and bias to intrude into our clinical thinking. Sexual health is not merely the absence of disease, dysfunction, and infirmity, but how you engage in sex.
Midori, otherwise known as the “Supernova of Kink” (well if you are asking Dan Savage). Her fascinating career has lead her to be one of the most transformative individuals in the sexuality field. So, we decided to learn more about this captivating woman with a round of “20 questions”. Her charm and wit shine through even on paper (or computer screen). Now, let’s meet Midori.
AASECT stands for American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors and Therapists. AASECT Certification allows you to garner new skills in your already established career, or aid in creating a new career in sex education, sex therapy or sexuality counseling. An AASECT Certification will increase your value as a professional and set you apart from other sexuality professionals.
By: SHA Intern Tula Pitcher
“I love the transformative power of sexual self-acceptance.” - David Ley
Dr. David Ley is a clinical psychologist and internationally recognized expert on sexuality, pornography, and mental health. Ever since adolescence, Ley has always been intrigued by sex and sexuality. As a teenager, Ley became fascinated by science fiction characters who “accepted and embraced their sexuality without shame.” Later, he began his academic career as a philosophy major from Ole Miss. After receiving his bachelor’s, Ley went on to pursue his Master’s and Doctoral degrees in clinical psychology from the University of New Mexico. David Ley initially started working with sex offenders, where he realized there was a lot of ignorance and work that needed to be done within the field of sexuality. Ley began getting lots of referrals for his expertise - “Just because I had learned the power of not shaming,” he said. Ley now works as the Executive Director of New Mexico Solutions, an outpatient mental health and substance abuse program in Albuquerque.
Dr. Ley is best known for his controversial book, The Myth of Sex Addiction, that was inspired by the mainstream media’s reaction to his first book, Insatiable Wives. The media quickly picked up on Ley’s provoking ideas, earning him interviews with Anderson Cooper, Katie Couric, and Dr. Phil. Dr. Ley has also written Ethical Porn for Dicks, A Man’s Guide to Responsible Viewing Pleasure, that was endorsed by Pornhub.com. In addition to being featured on numerous TV shows, Ley has also been interviewed by the New York Times, Washington Post, LA Times, and Hustler and Playboy magazines.
Ley is now investigating professional misconduct among teachers, lawyers, doctors, therapists and police. He is also doing work on forensic testimony, trying to help the legal system better understand the complexity of sexuality. Additionally, he continues to provoke and redefine controversial questions of sexuality, masculinity, psychology and culture through his clinical work and collaboration with the Sexual Health Alliance.
Dr. Ley will be speaking at our conference on March 27th and 28th on Modern Sexual Issues in therapy and education. David Ley’s experience and research within the sexual field has made him an expert on the evolving issues seen in sex and relationships, which he will be focusing on during the conference. Most therapists have no training or exposure to the more contemporary issues revolving around sex and sexuality, and Ley will be reviewing a number of topics in order to break the ice on these taboo matters. Topics covered in the March conference include social media, nymphomania, sexual “pathologies,” porn, religion, and BDSM. Get to know David Ley a bit better by learning from him on how to be the most effective sexuality professional you can be - reserve your spot today!
By: SHA Intern Tula Pitcher
Midori, the internationally acclaimed sexologist, educator, performer, and bondage expert, will be teaching our Kink for the Professional workshop on April 23rd and 24th. Using her expertise, Midori will lead discussions about cultural competence in healthy BDSM and sexual humiliation through judgement-free communication between partners, clients, and professionals.
Born in Tokyo, Japan, Midori brings a multicultural and holistic approach to the kink and BDSM community. After moving to the United States, she got her bachelor’s degree in psychology, and pursued higher education from San Francisco Sex Education. Later in the 90’s, Midori emerged from the sex-positive scene as both an educator and a provacative performance artist. She remains based in San Francisco, although she consistently travels internationally to host workshops, performances, and speak for the art and sex community.
In Midori’s abundant career, she has been an author, an educator, and an artist. She’s written multiple books, including The Seductive Art of Japanese Bondage, Wildside Sex, and Master Han’s Daughter. Midori has also been featured in Men’s Health UK, Spectator Magazine, the Dan Savage Show, and the American Sex Podcast. She’s been awarded as the Best Sex Educator by SF Weekly Magazine, Sainted by Sisters of Perpetual Indulgences, and Pantheon Leather Woman of the Year. She’s spoken for TEDx, and teaches various workshops on alternative variations of sexuality including topics of power, desire, and femininity.
Additionally, Midori has developed several strategies for fostering self-exploration and open communication - extremely valuable tools for developing compassion and acceptance. For example, her “head-heart-hands” methodology invites participants to address difficult topics with new perspectives and individual examination. Midori leads and coaches small group intensives as well, called ForteFemme and Rope Dojo. Her creativity and sexually candid curriculum is in extremely high demand, with her workshops booking full months in advance!
In April, her conference for SHA will touch on her BDSM Appetite Grid in order to center mutual consent, negotiation, and satisfaction in kink-interested relationships. Language, identity, and justice play large roles in her teaching, so prepare to have an open mind, and to be alert and in-touch with your preconceived biases. Not only do Midori’s lessons provide thoughtful insight into the world of sexuality, but her anecdotes are equally applicable to humanity and the challenges life throws at each of us.
Midori’s Kink for the Professional will be held, as mentioned above, on April 23rd and 24th. If these topics peak an interest in you, register to learn from a world renowned sexpert before it’s too late!
By: SHA Intern Tula Pitcher
Female birth control has been around for ages, with the earliest recordings emerging in 1850 BC, in ancient Mesopotamia. Although technology has advanced throughout the centuries to produce safer and more reliable contraception for women, it seems to have reached a glass ceiling.
Yes, birth control has almost become a universal expectation. Let me rephrase that: Birth control has become a universal expectation in Western cultures - let us not forget the multitude of progress we have yet to make in reproductive justice across the globe. As of now, you hear “birth control” and you think: fertile, sexually promiscuous female. When you think of “condom,” you think: responsible young man. The problem remains exclusively a problem for women, but what about men? I think it’s about time that we refocus the discussion of contraception to become and a genderless concept.
Discourse is equally favorable to men in the conversation around unplanned pregnancies, which are often the result of forgotten or misused contraception. The stigma around unplanned pregnancies is highly negative and highly gendered. Unplanned pregnancies are often blamed on the females, assuming the women were being irresponsible.
The reality of the matter in both cases is that the responsibility of contraception, before and after coital sex, is left up to the female. And even more visible in an age of hookup culture, is that women are expected, without question, to be on some kind of hormonal intervention that’s supposed to protect both parties, male and female, from getting into “trouble.” Women have birth control pills, arm implants, shots, and multiple versions of IUDs. Patriarchy has etched into the history of uteri that they are either demanded to give birth to unwanted babies or they are required to host an anonymous set of hormones with a multitude of side effects. At the same time, women are consistently discredited for being too emotional while PMSing.
And what do men have? They have flimsy pieces of plastic that are 98% effective, and often coerced and avoided into not being used. Additionally, if condoms are incorrectly worn, the chance of an unwanted pregnancy rises to nearly 25%. Actually, condoms aren’t the only option for men, although it’s the only widespread form of birth control known to be available. Vasectomies are also a reliable and reversible option!
Seriously though, there are multiple ongoing trials for men’s birth control that have seen successful results since 2012. According to WebMD, these trials include a hormone-based gel, injectable hormones, and a pill. However, these trials are still pending, and commercial use may not be possible until 2029.
There is certainly progress being made. But for me to truly believe in reproductive equality, I’m going to need to see the same kind of urgency we saw for female contraception. If female birth control began in 1850 B.C., male contraception has about 4,000 years of catching up to do.
References:
https://www.webmd.com/sex/birth-control/male-contraceptives
https://www.pandiahealth.com/resources/birth-control-throughout-history/
https://www.webmd.com/sex/birth-control/male-birth-control-contraceptives-pill
https://utswmed.org/medblog/pill-guys-male-birth-control-option-passes-safety-tests/
In September 2020, SHA’s founder and CEO, Heather McPherson, LPC-S, LMFT-S, CST, was invited on Loveline with Dr. Chris Donaghue to discuss cuckolding and hotwifing!
Dr. Chris asked Heather, “For those listening, how can one go about bringing up exploring cuckolding or hotwifing to their partners, specifically in monogamous relationships?” Monogamy, in the words of Dr. Chris, “can stop people’s sexual development” as well as relationship development, meaning that perhaps individuals who want to bring in another person into the bedroom might feel hesitant or restricted in a monogamous relationship. In response, Heather recommended “moving at the slower person's pace”, reminding listeners that this sort of topic can take time to digest with your partner. Heather also suggests to “be open and curious about what you’re desiring, what you want out of the experience.”
Heather also responded to the myth that only men would want to engage in this sort of sexual activity, but she assures both Dr. Chris and listeners that “a lot of self-identified females will bring it to the table,” mentioning the empowerment that can emerge for many women through this experience.
You can listen to the full Loveline podcast episode here:
Terms glossary:
Cuckolding and hotwifing: Terms used to describe the arrangement where one partner sleeps with others outside of the relationship and the other partner receives sexual enjoyment from this knowledge.
In March 2020, right when a global pandemic overtook the United States by storm, SHA’s founder and CEO, Heather McPherson, LPC-S, LMFT-S, CST, gave Rolling Stone some insight into some challenges in relationships in the time of COVID-19. Our founder and director of Respark and founder of Sexual Health Alliance, Heather McPherson, was featured in Rolling Stone Magazine in the article, “Why COVID-19 Will Inevitably Lead to Breakups”, by EJ Dickson. Dickson writes about the “unknown” factor that COVID quarantine brought into all of our sexual and or romantic relationships. More than this, she touches upon how those feelings of stress and panic had the potential to break up many relationships due to an increase in fighting. Heather McPherson provides insight into this situation and provides us with an analysis of intimacy and relationships during the beginning of quarantine.
In hetero relationships, Heather talks of how most of these arguments reflect the gender dynamics put forth by heteronormativity. She notes that “Cis-men can have a hard time validating and understanding emotions and feelings and don’t have as much experience with how to reflect that, which could play a role in it.” (McPherson) In relationship to COVID, it seems that the cis-woman in a hetero relationship tends to worry more about COVID precautions than her male counterpart. Heather also talks of how polyamorous couples were facing new challenges at the beginning of COVID, as a lot of her patients practice polyamory. Heather predicted that a lot of couples who were “already at that breaking point, [COVID] just pushes them over the edge.” (McPherson) Heather mentioned that even within her own practice, Respark Therapy & Associates, COVID-19 related issues have “completely overtaken the entire session times,” reinforcing the serious toll that it has taken on couples today. If you want to learn more about the challenges couples faced in the beginning of COVID check out Heather’s feature in Rolling Stone!, reflect upon how your relationships held up during quarantine!
You can read the full article here: https://www.rollingstone.com/culture/culture-news/coronavirus-covid-19-breakups-sex-966933/?fbclid=IwAR2r-dPOZ7PEnhsbU4BaRDEZ9msbV2Oj3sv6Z1sM1Bf_vjlk85nsIC0Qw9A
Recommendations for sex during COVID: http://www.bccdc.ca/health-info/diseases-conditions/covid-19/prevention-risks/covid-19-and-sex
By: SHA Intern Alyssa Morterud
Our founder of Sexual Health Alliance, Heather McPherson recently drafted an article titled “Making Kink COVID Safe” in Psychology Today with Dr. David Ley. Dr. David Ley is a notable member of our community who serves on the SHA board as an expert on sexuality, pornography, and mental health issues. The article talks about how the emergence of the pandemic has completely changed the dynamic of kink communities across the globe. Individuals who participate in kink & BDSM were forced to figure out new COVID safe ways to connect and socialize. The article also looks into how the practices of folks who engage in consensual non-monogamy have changed to accommodate the pandemic. It’s difficult for polyamorous individuals, for example, to welcome new partners into their relationship during the lockdown. Quarantine has been especially difficult for those “within the BDSM community [who] keep their interests in kink private and view [these] gatherings and connections as some of the only places they can be open about who they truly are.” (psychologytoday.com) In this sense, the kink and BDSM communities must find ways to adapt to the changing times so that participants can get back to expressing themselves in safe spaces. David and Heather’s article provides some guidelines and approaches for such an adaptation.
One of the suggestions offered in the article include incorporating others into intimacy through “video conferencing strategies… gett[ing] creative with what you want to see or experience, even if you're halfway across the globe.” (psychologytoday.com) A couple of the other guidelines include social distancing at kink gatherings and keeping the guest list small. A small gathering may also work to enhance intimacy, as it will push people outside of their typical party routine! One of my favorite suggestions was the recommendation to “ add some leather or studs to [our] medical mask[s].” It’s funny because face coverings/ masks are already a popular accessory in both kink and BDSM communities, we might as well add an aspect of our kink identity onto the mandated surgical masks! Above all else, Heather McPherson and David Ley advise those in kink communities to adapt to the changing times and continue living through our desires safely! If we all engage in these safe practices, we can ensure our safe spaces and kink communities; COVID has taken enough away from all of us already. Go check out the article in Psychology Today if you want to learn more about adapting your community to COVID times!
I’m busy all damn day now. I used to drive to meetings, fly around the country to do trainings, and I never realized how valuable that travel time is, to give time for a mental reset. Now I go from zoom meeting to zoom meeting, with no breaks, and it’s unbelievably exhausting and draining. I’m excited that our “reach” has increased, and I’m more easily able to offer training and consultation across the world. But there are definitely things we’ve lost, which I miss.
Oh. So many. Probably my favorite is that when I was a teen, my sister and I once had a party when my mom was gone. But my mom got suspicious and looked through the trash, found beer cans, and we were busted. About a year later, I again had a party but this time, I made a list of things to do, like “get rid of beer cans.” I did it all. But, I didn’t put on the list “throw away this list.” Again, I got busted when my mom found the list. This is why I don’t like to make lists of things to do…
I’ve always been a pretty sexual person. Reading sci-fi as a young teen, I started falling in love with characters who accepted and embraced their sexuality, without shame. That’s where I can look back and see that my sexual journey towards self-acceptance really began.
High school football coach showing us pictures of gonorrhea was the only formal sex education I really recall. But I’ve always been a voracious reader, and I would buy or borrow every sex education book I could find. I was reading sex-ed books from the ’50s, that I found at thrift stores. I read the Starr Report, about Clinton and the cigar. I was hungry for ideas, facts, and information about sex, because I found it so intriguing, and exciting.
Besides coffee and bourbon? Aside from the pandemic, I do Brazilian jiu-jitsu several times a week. I have a black belt and have been wrestling and grappling for decades. I love the camaraderie, the competition, the exercise, and it’s one of the best ways I’ve found to deal with my anxiety and to just think about the moment.
Uggg. Honestly, I prefer to not make things about me. I don’t want things to be “the David Ley Show.” I think that’s where the sex addiction industry went wrong, because it turned into these cults of personality, as opposed to what works, and what’s supported by evidence. I want people to know I get things wrong, and my opinions and views develop and change based on new information. And there's should too. It’s how we all move forward.
It’s a huge, huge issue. The role of anxiety alone, in erectile dysfunction, in porn use, is huge. Sexual issues play a tremendous role in life satisfaction, in couples’ relationships. But most mental health clinicians get no training in sexuality. I didn’t. It’s an appalling and troubling gap. One that I’m pleased to say groups like the Sexual Health Alliance are working to fill. At NMS, we’ve got a lot of staff pursuing additional training and supervision in this area, and I’m thankful that I can support them, and create an environment where they are allowed to.
Identify your own biases, your hot button issues, the places where your knee jerks or you cringe. You’re allowed to have them. You’re human. You don’t have to be willing and interested to experience every sexual deviation out there. But, in order to support patients, you need to be able to tell the difference between your personal bias, and your clinical recommendations, so that you don’t let your fears and biases unconsciously direct your clinical treatments.
Never been asked that before! It prepared me to always be willing to explore the grey zones, “the if-then, but-this” questions. It trained me well to recognize that there are lots of ways to explain and understand things, and to be willing to use logic, good questions, and insight to explore whether things really are as simple as we often want them to be.
I’m really overwhelmed these days by a lot of different projects. I’m doing more forensic testimony, about sexuality and mental health, trying to help our legal system better understand the complexity of sexuality. That’s an uphill battle, let me tell you. I’m doing a lot of training and work with the Sexual Health Alliance, using the skills and lessons I’ve learned. Upcoming trainings include how to be a sexpert, and how to effectively treat, in a non-shaming way, people who struggle with their sexuality. It’s fun to be able to take the painful lessons I’ve learned in these areas, and share them with others. I’m excited to see where other people can take them!
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SHA Denver Director of Operations, Taylor Spaziani, interviews SHA Clinical Director and Certified Sex Therapy Supervisor, Dr. David Ley, Ph.D., CST-S! Catch him teaching at SHA's virtual workshop on Saturday, March 27th and Sunday, March 28th on modern sexuality issues in therapy and education where you can gain 16 AASECT and state CEs. Workshops are open to all professions.
When it comes to sex, the definition of"mainstream" is changing — fast — and clients are disclosing new relationship and life issues in therapy that weren't on the radar 5 years ago.
These situations and countless more are walking into therapists' office every day, and most therapists have no training, resources, or guidance on how to conceptualize or treat these issues.
We will delve into how tech, media, and social changes affect modern sexuality, relationships, and mental health. Guidance on assessment, intervention, and treatment planning is given with lively, entertaining, and exciting real-world examples and case studies to help prevent overpathologizing sexual behaviors, just because they're new, misunderstood, or scary. Therapists and educators will learn to support their clients in developing sexual integrity through self-understanding and acceptance.
*BREAKS, SELF CARE TIME, AND EATING ARE ENCOURAGED AS NEEDED
| 8am - 4pm PST | 9am - 5pm MT | 11am - 7pm EST
The impact of the Internet on modern sexuality
Nymphomania and satyriasis
When homosexuality was a disease
Social shifts and attitudes towards homosexuality and bisexuality
Gender fluidity and modern concepts of pansexuality, genderqueer, etc.
Supporting transgender teens and children in therapy
Case studies and resources to understand sexual fluidity concepts
Explore research about pornography use
Address issues of pornography use in therapy
Resolve moral/religious conflicts about pornography use
Assist couples in negotiating boundaries around pornography use
Case studies and resources for assisting patients in understanding and resolving porn-related problems
| 8am - 4pm PST | 9am - 5pm MT | 11am - 7pm EST
*BREAKS, SELF CARE TIME, AND EATING ARE ENCOURAGED AS NEEDED
Review research and changing social attitudes/laws on teen sexting
Help parents to deal with their fears of teen sexting and educate youth about safety, responsibility
Case studies of teens harmed by sexting and the social response to it
Resources for assisting patients in understanding teen sexting
Research on prevalence, impact, and personality of BDSM
How to separate trauma from BDSM in therapy
Case studies of couples and individuals who incorporate BDSM in their lives and relationships
Self-assessment strategies for therapists to reduce and understand bias
Shame reduction strategies in therapy
Assessment strategies to identify roles/functions of sexual behaviors in life, personality, coping
Harm reduction strategies to manage porn impact
Research bias regarding sexuality is common and rarely disclosed
Cross-cultural sexual effects are rarely described or investigated
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Getting to Know Dr. David Ley, Ph.D., CST-S
P
art I
Your SHA Board Member, Clinical Supervisor & Presenter
Talking about the aspects of sexuality that aren’t nice, polite, proper, or moral. Opening up dialogues about masturbation, infidelity, rough sex, and all those sexual secrets we keep hidden. It’s radical because we are about destroying the suppressive power of sexual shame and increasing self-acceptance, even when your sexual desires are things you’ve been told are “bad”.
My last name is “Ley.” Rhymes with “lay.” What choice did I have? Ha! Really – I started working with sex offenders, and found that there is such a high level of sexual ignorance in the mental health field, that I got lots of referrals and requests for work with non-offenders, just because I had learned the power of not shaming.
I just read Modern Manhood, by Cleo Stiller – excellent exploration of the modern dilemma for men, navigating complicated conversations around manhood. Telling men to hate themselves for being “toxic” men doesn’t work – so what does? I think we need to ask that question a LOT more.
There was one little part in my first book, Insatiable Wives, where I mentioned that I didn’t believe in sex addiction. At the time, there weren’t many folks, aside from Marty Klein, who were questioning the sex addiction narrative in the public media (there’s lots of criticism in academics, but it didn’t filter into the mainstream). That one little comment was seized on by the media, and so I decided to follow it. At first, I was exploring whether it was possible that sex could be an addiction, and perhaps I was wrong. Then, it turned into me exploring how damaging and moralistic this concept really was.
I don’t know all the answers. I know my scope. I try to be aware of my biases, and go to the research, to data, and to nonjudgmental clinically sound approaches, so that I can distinguish myself from sexperts who “know it all” and are happy to tell you why you’re a sick pervert who needs treatment.
I’m blessed to have so many. In literature, in media, in our field. One that I’m talking about these days is George Michael, from Wham! In the early ’90s, before he was out as gay, he got caught having sex in a NY bathroom and claimed he was a sex addict. But then, over time, he came out as gay. About ten years later, he was again caught having bathroom sex, in London I believe. But this time, when the media tried to shame him, he said, essentially, “there’s nothing wrong with me or this behavior, it’s a part of gay culture, fuck off!” I love the transformative power of sexual self-acceptance that he demonstrates.
Always remember the power of shame, self-hatred, and fear that sexual topics bring up. I have learned to use a lot of humor to make it easier to have hard conversations. I’ve also learned that if I can demonstrate acceptance of myself as a vulnerable, flawed human being who is trying to express integrity and self-compassion, it makes it easier for people to hear my messages, even when they are challenging. I was on The Daily Show once, talking about masturbation, and it was a unique opportunity to combine those strategies.
They’ve thoroughly broken down the ability of people to be successfully shamed into thinking they are the “only one” with sexual thoughts that are outside “the norm.” Now, you can get on the internet, and quickly find that there are millions of other people who share the sexual thoughts you’ve been told make you a deviant. It’s why we have such a flood of people now willing to express that they’re not actually totally straight, or that their interest in kink is normal. We now know that “normal” is actually much, much broader a category than we ever believed.
That it really sucks to be alone, challenging these issues. When I first started questioning sex addiction, I was completely by myself, getting attacked, and threatened. That was very scary. As I have developed good connections with other clinicians and researchers, and we’ve grown a larger community that is pushing back against sexual shame, it has made it a lot less lonely.
A few years ago, a tv show in Australia called me up and asked if I could help them find someone in the southern hemisphere of the planet, who was asking the kinds of questions I was. I said, “Gee, I’m sorry, but at this point, it’s really just me!” So they flew me down to Sidney for a week. It was pretty freaking cool.
Dr. David J. Ley is a world-renowned clinical psychologist, known for bringing scientifically-accurate and clinically sound information to discussions about modern sexuality.
He serves on the board of the Sexual Health Alliance as an expert advisor and is an internationally-recognized expert on issues related to sexuality, pornography and mental health.
He has appeared on television with Anderson Cooper, Katie Couric, Dr. Phil and others. He has been interviewed in publications ranging from the New York Times, Washington Post, LA Times and the London Telegraph, to Playboy and Hustler magazines. Dr. Ley has published extensively in both the academic and “pop” realms of literature. His latest book, Ethical Porn for Dicks, A Man's Guide to Responsible Viewing Pleasure has endorsements from Dan Savage and Pornhub.com and is a humorous and provocative handbook for men who want to think more comprehensively about porn.
The Myth of Sex Addiction (2012) and Insatiable Wives (2009) were revolutionary explorations of sexual issues which blended a powerful client-centered narrative with a rich understanding of psychology, biology and sociology.
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While we know the herpes simplex virus to be one of the most common STIs (the CDC estimates 1 out of 6 people in the United States have genital herpes), the stigma behind a positive diagnosis can still feel overwhelming, confusing, and even shameful without the proper support system and education. With that being said, there are not not safe spaces available for people living with HSV to navigate their positive diagnosis.
If you have herpes, or if you are currently seeing someone who has herpes or even if you just want to learn more herpes, we would like to share with you some people and their podcasts that are aiding in the fight against stigmatization.
The podcast host, who goes by Sam (@positivelypositivepodcast on Instagram), shares her own personal experiences with herpes and has episodes dedicated to explaining how she manages her outbreaks, telling a potential partner about her status, common misconceptions about the virus, and her journey towards sexual liberation after receiving a positive diagnosis. We love how calming Sam’s voice is to listen to, as well as how organized the episodes are. The podcast is still relatively new, with its first episode just having surpassed its one-year anniversary. Sam’s advice is helpful, supportive, and just as important, research-based. Positively positive is the perfect podcast for anyone who is just starting out their journey with HSV; You can tell that Sam has done a lot of her own research and is able to successfully present it to her audience in a way that is easily digestible.
The host of Something Positive for Positive People, Courtney Brame (@Honmychest on Instagram), works towards decreasing stigma and shame around HSV while simultaneously looking at the intersectionality of race, gender, sexuality, and mental health. The goal is to provide people with the tools they need to achieve mental and sexual wellness. What we really like about Something Positive for Positive People is just how deep and healing the episodes can be; it helps to question our own beliefs about shame, depression, and autonomy after listening as well. While Courtney often talks about his own experiences, the bulk of the podcast is reaching out to other everyday people with HSV to drop some knowledge, share their experiences, and create a safe space for questions and access to resources. Listening to the interviews feels like you’re having a conversion with some old friends, the validation you receive from these episodes alleviates the feeling of loneliness that a positive diagnosis can bring. For anyone who has been on their herpes journey for a while, this podcast is essential for continued healing and self-growth.
We hope to see more from this podcast. However, the host, Yahira Jones, has decided to take a break and pause posting any new episodes due to personal reasons.
This podcast is defined as the “discussions on the trials and triumphs of dating after contracting the herpes virus.” Episodes go over tips and tricks for disclosure, online dating, concerns about oral sex, fear of transmitting to partners, and how to get back into dating. Our favorite episode was over the discussion around what to do when a partner ends a relationship after finding out you have herpes, but then wants to come back. These episodes really go to show just how different the experience of dating and love can be for those with HSV because of the added pressures and learning how to handle the confusing or conflicting emotions is made easier with Yahira. We love how open and vulnerable she is with her audience, and how well she is able to express complex feelings. These episodes are a bit more sporadic, but nonetheless are a viable resource for folks who are trying to navigate romantic relationships with their status.
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