What would you say to new parents needing to have “The Talk” with their child?
The most important thing to remember is that it’s not just one talk - educating your children about sex is a series of conversations you have throughout their lives. You should give young children age-appropriate information and introduce bodily autonomy and consent so they can speak up when something isn’t right. For older children and adolescents, answer their questions as they come up and prepare them for the next stages in their lives in a comfortable, natural way as if you were discussing their chores or homework. Why is that important? They will glean how they should feel about sexuality from you, and if you’re nervous or ashamed, they will pick up on it and adopt the attitude themselves. Use cultural queues to start conversations, such as song lyrics or scenes in TV shows or movies, and ask your children if they understand what is being said/shown, and if they don’t, ask them if they’d like to understand. Give them the information they need without overwhelming them, and allow them to ask for more.
Tell us about yourself and your interest in sexuality?
Well, first, I got my AARP card last year which is a funny way to say I’m smack in the middle of my mid-life crisis! I was born in California, grew up and lived mostly in the Northeast - NY>NJ>MD>DE>PA - and now reside in Augusta, GA with my husband, Sean, and two cats, Sam & Jack. Sean and I raised a great kid, Kyla, who’ll be 20 this year, and lives with her husband. I’m ethically non-monogamous and have another partner, Bill, who lives about an hour away from me. I’m also queer, pansexual, and kinky. I’ve spent the last 25 years working as a writer in various genres though lately it’s been mostly technical writing. During those same 25 years I sort of led a double life and also acted in the Vagina Monologues several years in a row; visited a pro-Domme with my last husband; rode on a float in the Philadelphia Pride parade as a scantily-clad spankee; worked as a phone sex operator, camgirl, and high dollar escort; wrote erotica; had torrid online affairs; worked as a nude art model & muse; and, well, did my best to experience all the fun and sexy things I wanted to, but all on the down-low and mostly separate from my career and everyday persona.
I grew up in the 80’s - before we had the access to information that we do now via the internet. It makes me feel old to say that! But, it’s true. We were taught a bit by our parents, and a bit at school, and a bit of very unreliable stuff from our peers, but we had no way to access unbiased, comprehensive information about sex. Somewhere around 15 years old, I discovered Dr. Ruth’s syndicated radio show and regularly stayed up late to listen. Finally! Someone talking about sex in very real ways. She didn’t seem embarrassed or skittish about it, and it all sounded true. It clicked, then, that educating about sex what a thing you do when you grew up! I guess it took me quite a while thereafter to feel grown up because it was 35 years before I decided to DO something about it, integrate the geeky and sexy sides of myself, and claim sexuality education as my career and, well, calling. So, sexuality has always been an interest and I’ve studied in hands-on ways and via book learning ever since. More recently I found SHA and started the certification program for sexuality educators, and began learning directly from many of my sex heroes like Betty Dodson, Barbara Carellas, and Reid Mihalko.
What changed for you in your life once you embraced your sexuality?
I’ve embraced it in different ways at different stages, like, I was in my early 20’s when I truly embraced that I was very attracted to other cis women. I embraced my kinkiness in my late 30’s. I started to embrace pleasure and sluttiness in my late teens but that’s sort of been a work in progress and I have to keep reminding myself and re-embracing it. I shifted from calling myself bisexual to pansexual when I realized I was attracted to people, and it was not at all about their gender identity/expression or what genitals they’re sporting because there are just some folx you click with and want to keep exploring in all the ways. I supposed I end up with penis-owners much of the time, and I like playing with dicks, but it’s not at all an absolute and I love to play with all sorts of bits and love all sorts of people.
The journey certainly has been fun at all the different stages and if I have any regret, it’s that I couldn’t get my shit together sooner and embrace myself wholly before my mid-40’s. I spent way too much time and energy worrying about what others thought of me and it’s so very freeing to only concern myself with being the best and most authentic me I can be. I think perhaps we all struggle with the tension of being ourselves and pleasing others, and if I have any advice it’s to urge you to take the leap to “fuck-it”. That was the biggest change - gaining the courage to make that leap myself.
When you are being your most authentic self, you’ll attract those that will adore you for it, and the people already in your life who truly love you will go on loving you. It’s just that simple. The way you feel when you are genuinely being true to yourself is worth the people who may turn away from you. This hit home for me recently when my Dad told me he was proud of me, for finding my path in life and doing something that made me happy. All this time I’ve been worried about what my family would think and it turns out that Dad and others in my extended family just see my happiness and glow, and are genuinely proud of me.
What is the biggest misconception or stigma when it comes to sex and sexuality?
That your sexuality needs to be compartmentalized, hidden away from the rest of your life. It’s only through fully integrating our sexual beings into the whole of our lives that we can start to feel fully ourselves, IMHO.
What is your favorite after-sex snack?
Hmmm...if I’m craving salty I want, like, a good kettle chip or pita chip and some dip - real onion dip, spinach artichoke, maybe hummus. If I’m craving sweet then ice cream, for sure. Graeter’s black raspberry chip, Haagen Dazs coffee, the Ben&Jerry’s that has that chocolate cookie core.
Who or what resources do you turn to when your experience or knowledge lacks?
Well, SHA, for sure! I’m learning so much in my program of study as well as in the CNM certification and through the monthly conferences. I’m also a certified OWL facilitator and that curriculum has a ton of great information - OWL stands for Our Whole Lives and it’s a comprehensive and secular sexuality education curriculum produced by a partnership between Unitarian Universalists and the United Church of Christ over the last several decades. It has curricula for the entire life cycle - from early childhood to aging populations, and covers such a breadth of information! I’ll also reach out to my networks as I’ve come to know so many other amazing educators with focused expertise.
What do you think the future of sex study needs to focus or research on more?
Don’t think me flippant but everything! Sexuality research reflects cultural attitudes and cash - so, if no one is paying for it or society wants to deny it exists, it doesn’t get studied. Our attitudes - primarily in this country but similarly around the world - keep us from really knowing very much at all in comparison with other fields of study. The work of Kinsey and Masters & Johnson is only within the last century. Hell, we just really started to understand the clitoris in the last decade! We need so much more real research on sex, that isn’t manipulated to serve an agenda or sell a product.
Getting to Know the Sex Educator:
Who is your sexual role model?
Betty Dodson. I’m in awe of her life, what she discovered and accomplished, and I’m so proud to have learned from her directly. I could give you several pages just on her alone, so I’ll stop before I get carried away.
Favorite educational podcast?
American Sex Podcast, for sure. Sunny & Ken are just so entertaining, and I get so much great info. It’s edutainment :)
What niche do you find is underserved in most therapist’s offices currently?
I live in Augusta, GA and it feels impossible to find a therapist that truly understands and embraces kink, CNM, and LGBTQ+ persons. There are 20 ‘Christian Counselors’ for every 1 that’s open to those of us that aren’t like all the others. I respect everyone’s right to follow a spiritual path or be part of a faith community, but I don’t want that in my therapist, and I don’t want to be given false information based on someone else’s morality.
What would you say to those who feel uncomfortable discussing sex and sexuality?
It is completely understandable in our culture but I think you’ll find once you try it - try having a genuine conversation about sex rather than just laced in as innuendo or flirtation - you’ll find your experience of sex to be so much richer!
What is the #1 takeaway from your sexual experiences thus far?
Life is short - eat the strawberry.
It relates to a parable in a Pema Chodron book. “