How has the pandemic and the “digital age” impacted your career?
I’m busy all damn day now. I used to drive to meetings, fly around the country to do trainings, and I never realized how valuable that travel time is, to give time for a mental reset. Now I go from zoom meeting to zoom meeting, with no breaks, and it’s unbelievably exhausting and draining. I’m excited that our “reach” has increased, and I’m more easily able to offer training and consultation across the world. But there are definitely things we’ve lost, which I miss.
What’s your favorite story to tell?
Oh. So many. Probably my favorite is that when I was a teen, my sister and I once had a party when my mom was gone. But my mom got suspicious and looked through the trash, found beer cans, and we were busted. About a year later, I again had a party but this time, I made a list of things to do, like “get rid of beer cans.” I did it all. But, I didn’t put on the list “throw away this list.” Again, I got busted when my mom found the list. This is why I don’t like to make lists of things to do…
How and when did you start recognizing sexuality?
I’ve always been a pretty sexual person. Reading sci-fi as a young teen, I started falling in love with characters who accepted and embraced their sexuality, without shame. That’s where I can look back and see that my sexual journey towards self-acceptance really began.
Tell us about your sex education in childhood. What was it like?
High school football coach showing us pictures of gonorrhea was the only formal sex education I really recall. But I’ve always been a voracious reader, and I would buy or borrow every sex education book I could find. I was reading sex-ed books from the ’50s, that I found at thrift stores. I read the Starr Report, about Clinton and the cigar. I was hungry for ideas, facts, and information about sex, because I found it so intriguing, and exciting.
What are your favorite parts of your daily routine?
Besides coffee and bourbon? Aside from the pandemic, I do Brazilian jiu-jitsu several times a week. I have a black belt and have been wrestling and grappling for decades. I love the camaraderie, the competition, the exercise, and it’s one of the best ways I’ve found to deal with my anxiety and to just think about the moment.
What do you think everyone should know about you?
Uggg. Honestly, I prefer to not make things about me. I don’t want things to be “the David Ley Show.” I think that’s where the sex addiction industry went wrong, because it turned into these cults of personality, as opposed to what works, and what’s supported by evidence. I want people to know I get things wrong, and my opinions and views develop and change based on new information. And there's should too. It’s how we all move forward.
As the Executive Director of the outpatient program New Mexico Solutions, how do you think mental health plays into sex and sexuality?
It’s a huge, huge issue. The role of anxiety alone, in erectile dysfunction, in porn use, is huge. Sexual issues play a tremendous role in life satisfaction, in couples’ relationships. But most mental health clinicians get no training in sexuality. I didn’t. It’s an appalling and troubling gap. One that I’m pleased to say groups like the Sexual Health Alliance are working to fill. At NMS, we’ve got a lot of staff pursuing additional training and supervision in this area, and I’m thankful that I can support them, and create an environment where they are allowed to.
What advice do you have for aspiring sex professionals?
Identify your own biases, your hot button issues, the places where your knee jerks or you cringe. You’re allowed to have them. You’re human. You don’t have to be willing and interested to experience every sexual deviation out there. But, in order to support patients, you need to be able to tell the difference between your personal bias, and your clinical recommendations, so that you don’t let your fears and biases unconsciously direct your clinical treatments.
How does your background in philosophy play into your career today?
Never been asked that before! It prepared me to always be willing to explore the grey zones, “the if-then, but-this” questions. It trained me well to recognize that there are lots of ways to explain and understand things, and to be willing to use logic, good questions, and insight to explore whether things really are as simple as we often want them to be.
Red Carpet Question: Tell the world what you’re working on! What would you like everyone to know or check out?
I’m really overwhelmed these days by a lot of different projects. I’m doing more forensic testimony, about sexuality and mental health, trying to help our legal system better understand the complexity of sexuality. That’s an uphill battle, let me tell you. I’m doing a lot of training and work with the Sexual Health Alliance, using the skills and lessons I’ve learned. Upcoming trainings include how to be a sexpert, and how to effectively treat, in a non-shaming way, people who struggle with their sexuality. It’s fun to be able to take the painful lessons I’ve learned in these areas, and share them with others. I’m excited to see where other people can take them!
WANT MORE DAVID LEY? CATCH HIM TEACHING VIRTUALLY WITH SHA SATURDAY, MARCH 27TH & SUNDAY, MARCH 28TH ON MODERN SEXUAL ISSUES IN THERAPY & EDUCATION!
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