I find as I get older, I come to realize that I’ve never really wanted a conventional life, I was just conditioned to think that I did. It wasn't until a breakdown leading to some serious analysis of my life that I started to ask myself some real questions about the disconnect between how I wanted to be in the world and how others thought I should be.
Do I really want kids?
Is marriage for me?
I’ve only ever been monogamous, do I choose that?
I found the messaging easier to ignore in my 20s but as I moved through my 30s, primarily single and in the stage in life where many people around me were getting married and having babies, I started to judge myself for not doing these things. Once, I even ran into an old high school teacher who, when realizing I had no children, was shocked and told me she always thought I’d have many kids by now. I’m sorry, but what? What kind of vibes was I giving off in high school? Is the assumption that because I’m good with kids I should automatically be a parent? Or that time is running out and it was a pity I was hearing from her? It was even more surprising coming from a strong, independent, single woman, who I had admired for years as seemingly doing things against the grain.
But, the messaging is strong and it takes a ton of work to unpack it.
Social media gives us the opportunity to find our own communities and recently I’ve been drawn to the plethora of people who defy the conventional – queer spaces, poly communities, conversations being had about supporting and protecting sex workers, women choosing to be childless … – and there’s comfort and excitement in it.
I put sexual politics as a tag in my dating profiles and it often gets attention from (primarily men) asking what that means. From my own words in a previous post, because I can’t stress it enough in this wild world of dating and sexual exploration –
Someone who can engage with me about sexual politics/justice or,
at the very least, be curious to hear more, is someone I could see
contributing to the world and to the collective and on some level,
working to break down the impacts of capitalism and patriarchy
on sexuality and romantic connections.
Looking outward, participating in sexual political discussions and practices means challenging conventional ways of being and disrupting the toxic narratives that many people have to work through and unpack in order to break free from its confines. Recently, @chillpolyamory posted on the intersection of politics and sexuality in relation to being poly – “...practicing polyamory is an inherently political choice. It is a lifestyle that rejects the socially prescribed ways of relating, and moves toward community care over the competition.” (@chillpolyamory, 2021.)
Polyamory and Ethical Non-monogamy (ENM) are on an upward trend as of late (which is good for the illumination of a topic but also proves to be detrimental, depending on people’s intentions around hopping on a trend) and this is promising for those of us that are walking a path that doesn’t often look like how others around us are doing things. I find the connections between poly, community care, and the politics and justice work surrounding sexuality and sexual expression exciting and breaking apart the confines of monogamous, het-normative relationship models, not to mention acts of activism within sexuality.
“Non-monogamy is a big umbrella which means the politics vary wildly … anyone who complains about political hot takes, saying they're here ‘just for the polyamory discussion’ … polyamory is political. Ethical polyamory is anti-racist, anti-misogynistic, and anti-fascist. This IS the polyamory discussion.” (@chillpolyamory, 2021.)
“My body has the capacity to sense immense pleasure,
and as I get older I keep intentionally expanding my sensual
awareness and decolonizing it so that I can sense more
pleasure than capitalism believes in.”
(adrienne marie brown, 2019.)
So, when the conversation about sexuality is inherently justice minded and actively engages people in conversations, practices, and accountability, I am all for it. And to be clear, everyone enters the conversation where they are at and able – we cannot expect people, including ourselves, to be the best version of our sexual selves. But, what we can do is to work toward deconstructing toxic programming and unpacking it with a critical eye, addressing toxic behaviour in ourselves and others, learning more, having clear boundaries and a strong voice, and always moving toward doing better through unlearning.
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