He broke my heart in the worst way possible, but I still wanted him to like me

I am a people pleaser. I would like to say that I came to this realization on my own merit, but it actually took several people (including my driving instructor) to make me aware of this. I thrive on knowing that people like me or are proud of me. I have gone to extreme measures to ensure this, signing up to extra classes when I felt like a teacher didn’t like me, or buying a box of doughnuts for the salon when I was a few minutes late to the hairdressers and convinced myself everyone there was annoyed at me. I wasn’t aware that when I went through a breakup at the beginning of this year, that being a people pleaser would get in the way of my healing and recovery. 

As if the years of feeling ashamed of buying, using, and enjoying sex toys weren’t enough, a new wave of morality is washing over our sex lives: green shame. But how many organisms is an orgasm killing?

Materials

With shame still surrounding sex toys and these products considered novelty items rather than medical ones, sex toys are not FDA regulated, meaning what is in them may be as bad for us as it is for the environment. Lower-grade and cheaper sex toys, especially, are typically made of plastics which are too low quality to be broken down even if the toys were to be appropriately recycled.

Sexual Health Alliance had an excellent and engaging weekend conference with experts Michael Viforito, Dr. Wendy Miller, and Dr. Joshua Grubbs. Our students learned about reframing the term “sex addiction”, how to assess individuals for out-of-control sexual behaviors, and the treatment modalities available to best assist future clients. 

Every May 17th since 2005, a growing number of nations around the world have observed (what is now known as) International Day Against Homophobia, Biphobia, and Transphobia (IDAHOBIT) as a way of drawing attention to the need for action in response to anti-LGBTQIA+ violence and oppression. Originally recognized just as International Day Against Homophobia before later being expanded to include recognition of bisexual and transgender communities, May 17th was chosen in honor of the date that homosexuality was finally removed from the 1990 draft of the ICD-10 (the 10th edition of the International Classification of Diseases) after much lobbying to the World Health Organization. (Homosexuality was removed from the second edition of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual by the American Psychiatric Association in 1973, though remnants of its pathologization remained until 1987—and in the ICD until 2019.)

The Sexual Health Alliance marches in solidarity with all of the communities under the broad and inclusive LGBTQIA+ community, and recognizes the severe levels of minority stress facing LGBTQIA+ persons in many countries around the globe. With even the Lemkin Institute for Genocide Prevention (named after Raphael Lemkin, who coined the word genocide) taking a stance against the current wave of right-wing transphobia as it continues to escalate to the level of genocide, the Sexual Health Alliance is committed to providing education and resources to help push back against discrimination and hate and create a safe, inclusive, and affirming world for all members of LGBTQIA+ communities.

I'm sure most of us have by now seen the entertaining deepfake video where Barack Obama calls Donald Trump a "total and complete dipshit." The video sparked an interesting debate about being vigilant of online sources, and many pondered over the instances in which politics could suffer in the face of this new technology. What was not at the forefront of this debate, however, was the other 90-95% of deepfakes on the web, which are mostly nonconsensual pornography, 90% of which portrays women. 

For those more unfamiliar with “deepfake porn,” the term refers to the practice of transposing a person's face on an image or video of a sexual nature, thereby producing a pornographic video that the person who seems to be in it never consented to. As AI technology, unfortunately, evolves in this field, only one photo of a person is now needed to produce a video. To gauge the scope of this epidemic, an AI bot that gained particular popularity across Russia in 2020 is said to have created nonconsensual deepfake porn with the faces of over 680,000 women. These fake videos have very real and widespread consequences as they completely violate the consent of those affected and pose a massive new avenue to violence against women. 

Sex and drugs are an often controversial duo; there are pros and cons when having sex in an altered state. The difference between “good” and “bad” sex on drugs is the substance you consume and who you engage in intimacy with. Some drugs are more dangerous to your body or mind, while others are more likely to blur the lines of consent. When it comes to recreational drugs such as cannabis, Xanax, Cocaine, and LSD, there is a sort of spectrum on the safety of combining each substance with intimacy. For this blog, I will discuss a class of drugs historically associated with sexual liberation: psychedelics. During the 1960s, LSD, in particular, was thought to loosen people’s sexual inhibitions and even resolve past sexual trauma. Annie Sprinkles is one woman who provides first-person testimony to the power of sex on psychedelics. Sprinkles is a certified sexologist who was once a sex worker, feminist stripper, and pornographic film actress.

Whereas the United States and Canada celebrate the past, present, and future of the labor movement on Labor Day (observed the first Monday of September every year), many other parts of the world designate and celebrate May 1st as International Workers’ Day—also known as May Day. The scope of the labor movement is varied and vast, uniting workers from professions ranging from food service to healthcare, from construction work to sex work, all joining together toward the common goal of improving work conditions, advocating for fair wages, and—perhaps most fundamentally—resisting the ever-rising tide of capitalist exploitation.

At the Sexual Health Alliance, our specialty is progressive and radical education on sex and sexuality that helps us all build a more sex-positive future—a future, that is, in which the personal sexual self-determination of informed, risk-aware, consenting adults is respected, protected, and nourished. With that goal in mind, we might take the occasion of International Workers’ Day as a time to pause, reflect, and ask a very particular question: could capitalism itself pose a threat to sexual health?

From late-night talk shows to erotic novels, from documentaries to get-help ads posted in the subway, we are no strangers to the claims of sex addiction. For many years, sex addiction has been recognized as a medical condition with promises of treatment, even though no peer-reviewed journal has ever been able to back up the idea that it is real. So what do we call it then? A socially prompted phenomenon? 

Dr. David Ley, a celebrated clinical psychologist, has used clinically appropriate discourse to understand the ins and outs of sex addiction, and its relation to other addictive behaviors. In his book, The Myth of Sex Addiction, he reflects on several examples from both the scientific sphere and the popular media, but nothing gets him close to empirically defining the term. That’s not to say there is a gap in the research but simply pointing out the notion that scientifically defining things that are born misconceptions is complicated. As our societies still recover from generations of sex negativity, sexual behavior, and morality are still considered like two peas in a pod.

Despite how we all feel about the economy lately, experts still believe that the U.S. is not technically in a recession. However, other non-economic experts believe that we are in the midst of a sex recession. I was dubious at first too… let’s take a look at some statistics. A survey of 2,000 American adults aged 18 to 44 conducted in 2021 by the Kinsey Institute and Lovehoney found that, across genders, Gen Z adults reported a lower frequency of sex than people in their 30s and 40s. In that same study, Gen Z adults reported the highest levels of stress and anxiety, highlighting the link between mental health and sexual activity. 

Homework doesn’t stop once you leave education. For those who have experienced therapy, you may be familiar with the idea of “homework” — exercises and practices that are meant to be carried out at home, away from the presence of the therapist. Individuals or couples have the chance to actively practice what they learned in therapy, and reflect on that practice in the next session. There are many “homework” tasks that can be assigned, some may be meant to be practiced alone, and others with your partner. For most therapies to work, consistency in approach, practice, and outside exercises is key to ensuring the therapeutic methods stick. Think of it like learning a new skill–-You don’t learn to cook by talking to a chef or watching Hell’s Kitchen, you need to practice cooking and the skills and techniques required for it. Therapy, especially sex therapy, works in the same way, and there is no right or wrong reason for choosing to engage in sex therapy!

We have come a long way in terms of sustainable period products. From the menstrual cup to reusable applicators for tampons, those that work on the product’s environmental impact are clearly working hard to assist with our waste problem, while still maintaining comfortable and effective period products. As someone who solely uses pads, I am sadly aware of their huge environmental impact, especially in the way disposable pads are estimated to take 500 to 800 years to break down. This is why I was so excited to see an advert for Fluus, a company that has created the world’s first flushable period pad. 

Founders Dr. Olivia Ahn and Aaron Koshy met in 2016 at Imperial College London, and ever since then have been working hard on creating a flushable period pad. In 2019 user trials began, flushability tests commenced and Fluus successfully received its WIS 4-02-06 certificate–meaning the water industry has certified that this product is “fine to flush.” It was only this year that Fluus came onto the market, and boy was I excited to try it out. Unfortunately Fluus currently only ships out to the United Kingdom. 

This last weekend, the Sexual Health Alliance welcomed not one, not two but nine experts in the field of sex and sexuality. From doing some sex educational sight-seeing in Europe to immersing in the sexuality politicals of Latin America, our journey around the world was unquestionably eye-opening. On the first day, we jumped right to Europe and met with BodySex facilitators from all over the continent. Céline Manon in Germany, Almudena Ferrer in Spain, Jessica Adams in Austria, and Beatrice Bast in Switzerland. Leading the panel with these amazing women was yet another BodySex coach, SHA’s Director of Operations, Jenn Rhaner! Jenn asked our European panelists to define and discuss what sex education and legislation look like in their country, but also how positively the culture views sex and sexuality.

Each year on April 6th, the asexual (or “ace”) community and its allies celebrate International Asexuality Day. This is a day to center the identities, experiences, stories, and struggles of anyone who identifies along the asexual spectrum—estimated at just under 2% of the population.

Historically, asexuality has been left out of many popular and scholarly discussions of sexuality. Research has been sparse, and there has been a tendency within the medical establishment to medicalize or pathologize asexuality, treating it as a condition to be cured. Recently, however, AASECT (the American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors, and Therapists) made their position clear that “asexual and ace-spectrum identities are not mental, developmental, or sexual disorders” and that “[in] the same way that the field of sexuality has denounced the pathological positioning of homosexuality, sexual fluidity, queer orientations, trans identities, and non-binary identities, sex educators, counselors, and therapists should do the same regarding myths perpetuated about asexuality.” This is a major step forward in the goal of validating and normalizing asexual identities.

So what is asexuality? Put simply: to be asexual is to experience little-to-no sexual attraction toward other persons. Even that simple statement, though, can invite a lot of confusion, so let’s take some time to expand and clarify.

Thanks to the initiative of activist Rachel Crandall and the subsequent sustaining efforts of TRES (Trans Student Educational Resources), International Transgender Day of Visibility has been celebrated every March 31st since 2009. In contrast with International Transgender Day of Remembrance (which acknowledges those whose lives have been lost to transphobic violence), Trans Day of Visibility has historically been an occasion for anyone under the broad transgender umbrella to be not just visible, but loud, proud, and determined to push our way from margins to center.

I do not speak for all trans persons, but I do believe that I echo the sentiment of many in my community when I say: Trans Day of Visibility feels different this year.

As trans persons, we do not yet have proportional representation in nearly any aspect of public life or culture. In the United States, whether we are legally protected from being fired, losing our homes, or experiencing other forms of social and structural injustice varies depending on what state we live in. In some other places in the world, we can be imprisoned or killed, solely for being transgender. As it stands, the only place where we have consistent representation is in the minds of conservative lawmakers who actively vilify and scapegoat transgender persons (especially transgender women) as part of their ongoing effort to further erode bodily autonomy, legislate self-determination, and legally enshrine cishetero-patriarchal domination.

Voluntary celibacy is a personal choice that individuals make to abstain from sexual practices. Just as sex is unique to different folks, celibacy can also differ from person to person. A voluntarily celibate individual can choose to abstain from sex completely or they can only indulge in outercourse with their partner(s) or solo masturbation. More so, celibacy can last as long as you’d want, some start at two months and some have gone ten years. It doesn’t have to be a lifestyle that you live forever as falsely advertised in popular media. With intentional efforts, it is you who decides the rules, and creates the boundaries. It’s about what you want! 

Celibacy is also often misunderstood as asexuality. One is a choice and the other one is defined as a spectrum of sexual orientation with very little to no sexual interest, respectively. Celibate folks do have sexual urges but they opt to restrict acting on those desires. Remember that sexual wellness is not contingent on sexual engagement. If you believe abstaining from sex is healthy for you, you make that decision for your overall well-being. A 2006 study suggested that abstaining from sex was correlated with positive behavioral outcomes in adult women. So let’s dive into the world of celibacy to explore what it looks like, and how you can engage with it! 

Sex education, at its very core, is about promoting pleasure and safer sex practices for all. However, the existence and quality of comprehensive sex education are primarily dependent on the distinct cultural, religious, and social values around the world. In the U.S., after substantial research disproved the idea that abstinence-only sex education effectively prevents pre-marital sex, Obama’s administration budgeted more funds for comprehensive programs. This shift in the importance of comprehensive sex education–even though moving slowly–has opened doors for the school curricula to identify the crucial role of providing sexual and pleasure-based information to students. Nonetheless, as we glance at the world through the sex-ed lens, we come across a rather disappointing yet grave conclusion–Sexuality education still requires a lot of attention in terms of cultural-specific research, sex-positive parenting, and overall government support. Understanding the present state of sex education is an important element in considering appropriate interventions and forming sex-positive discourse. So let’s take a brief tour to see how sex education is explored in just some of the cultural hubs of our world.

Amsterdam is notorious for legalized sex work and, perhaps more specifically, its Red Light District but what you may not have known are the numerous other laws around and celebrations of sexuality in Amsterdam that are notable and unique. In many ways, Amsterdam is considered the birthplace of LGBTQ+ rights. For instance, homosexuality was decriminalized in 1811, the first gay bar was established in 1927, and the COC Nederland, one of the world’s first gay rights organizations was founded in Amsterdam in 1946. In comparison, the first US state decriminalized homosexuality in 1962, 151 years later than Amsterdam! By 2001, Amsterdam became the first country to legalize same-sex marriage; today there are only 29 countries where same-sex marriage is legal. 

Though the initial goosebumps and sprinting heartbeats are normal experiences of getting into bed with someone, it is vital to notice when the more typical anxiety turn to a not-so-typical and almost suffocating feeling. Sexual anxiety is one of the most common elements of sex that people complain about. There can be a plethora of reasons why you or your partner(s) feel anxious during sex including past trauma, body image dissatisfaction, and other life stressors. Another common and insidious reason for anxiety to be high during coitus? Worrying about your “performance.” Considering sex as a performance rather than an experience takes away its normality and adds the stress of performing well. Once we start to dismantle this view and identify sex for what it truly is– a pleasure-filled experience–it will be easier to overcome the pressure and anxiety. To help you deconstruct these societal stressors, defeat the overpowering anxiety, and experience the sex you deserve, we have come up with a few useful tips! 

This past weekend, the Sexual Health Alliance hosted yet another Sexceptional Weekend featuring experts in the field of sex and sexuality. For this weekend’s lectures, SHA brought back one of our favorite presenters, Jet-Setting Jasmine, along with her husband, King Noire, and other special guests to talk about race, pornography, and sex-positive parenting. Though SHA has featured Jet-Setting Jasmine and King Noire, along with their discussions on sex-positive parenting and the porn industry, this weekend’s talk brought new faces to the discussion. 

Sugar-dating–a type of dating where benefits are exchanged for some form of romantic or sexual companionship–has become a common approach to paying for a college education. An astounding number of sugar babies on famous websites like seeking arrangements are college students. With the tuition rates only increasing in recent years it won’t be surprising to see the sugar baby numbers rising. 

When I first heard about sugar-dating from a friend in my freshmen year, it took me only five seconds to find seeking arrangements and make my sugar baby profile. My pupils dilated as I noticed how in demand I was but soon enough I started panicking and almost ran a fever. Do I even know how to be a sugar baby in college? What do I even want out of this? These burning questions induced the end of my sugar-dating dreams. But that’s only my part of the story as many students do fully engage in it. The lack of resources for students to understand how to attract healthy sugar relationships and avoid toxic interactions is unfortunate and needs our attention. We know it’s happening on several college campuses, so it’s about time we find ways to support them. Thus, after talking to a bunch of students, most of whom want to remain anonymous, I’ve compiled a list of guidelines to follow before you unleash the sugar baby in you.