Voluntary celibacy is a personal choice that individuals make to abstain from sexual practices. Just as sex is unique to different folks, celibacy can also differ from person to person. A voluntarily celibate individual can choose to abstain from sex completely or they can only indulge in outercourse with their partner(s) or solo masturbation. More so, celibacy can last as long as you’d want, some start at two months and some have gone ten years. It doesn’t have to be a lifestyle that you live forever as falsely advertised in popular media. With intentional efforts, it is you who decides the rules, and creates the boundaries. It’s about what you want!
Celibacy is also often misunderstood as asexuality. One is a choice and the other one is defined as a spectrum of sexual orientation with very little to no sexual interest, respectively. Celibate folks do have sexual urges but they opt to restrict acting on those desires. Remember that sexual wellness is not contingent on sexual engagement. If you believe abstaining from sex is healthy for you, you make that decision for your overall well-being. A 2006 study suggested that abstaining from sex was correlated with positive behavioral outcomes in adult women. So let’s dive into the world of celibacy to explore what it looks like, and how you can engage with it!
What are some motivations behind voluntary celibacy?
When we think about celibacy, the first reason that pops up is religion. Some religious practitioners refuse to indulge in sexual experiences in order to feel more connected to their religion. This is also observed in groups who engage in spirituality as they wish to commit all their time and efforts to a higher spiritual power. Nevertheless, these two are not the only reasons to choose celibacy. In some relationships, partners can choose to refrain from sex for an extended period of time to connect with each other outside the realm of their physicalities. This also allows them to focus on the romantic aspect of their relationship and further create valuable space for both relational and personal growth. Apart from that, some might choose celibacy to prioritize other facets of their lives including education, work, and family.
Why can voluntary celibacy be a difficult approach?
If you lack supportive relationships in your life, celibacy can become a really hard journey as it can bring in feelings of loneliness. Moreover, it can be a real struggle to withhold sex if you have a high sex drive, and can further create room for guilt and anxiety. With this also comes the pressure of trying to explain to others why you’re choosing celibacy. This certainly can, at some point, become mentally and emotionally draining. Although it’s important to remember that individuals do deliberately choose to be celibate and, thus, understand that it works for them. It can feel overwhelming at first and cause discomfort, but that’s not the case with everyone!
If you’ve been thinking about engaging in celibacy but don’t know where to start, here are a few guidelines to help you out!
Like sex, there’s no need to launch celibacy in your life without carefully thinking about a few things before. Firstly, consider the amount of time you’d want to spend being celibate. Avoid making a plan to be celibate for so and so years and try to have a narrower window. This will allow you to be more sure of your decision. For instance, if you plan to be celibate for three months you’re more likely to refrain from sex than if you plan three years of celibacy. Thus, if the first three months are good for you, you can always extend your time month by month. Keeping a track of your celibate time and slowly approaching it can make it an easier and distress-free journey.
Secondly, find thorough educational and supportive information on celibacy before you commit to it. The more you educate yourself on the topic, the smoother your journey will be. As mentioned, celibacy is distinct from individual to individual and therefore it is crucial that you’re actively aware of your motivations and the needs you want to be fulfilled. Keep a list and journal throughout about your boundaries. And know that these will mature as you move forward with your celibate time.
Lastly, if you’re in a relationship and decide to be a voluntary celibate, you must openly communicate your new set of limits and expectations. If you’re hoping to completely desist from sex, be honest and define what sex means to you in that context. For instance, if you wish to engage in kissing or masturbation, but not penetrative sex, you should be clear about these details. Additionally, there are several other ways to achieve intimacy in relationships than sex, find what works for you and your partner(s) accordingly. Note, that when considering being celibate while in an otherwise sexually active relationship, having and understanding these discussions may take time. Don’t forget that your partner’s sexual needs are just as important and valid as your celibacy needs are.
As commitment is a big part of voluntary celibacy, self-awareness is crucial to maintain the decision. If you want to be a voluntary celibate but you’re finding the process to be mentally and physically challenging, it’s never too late to seek professional help from a sex-positive therapist.
Written by Shreya Tomar.