Dealing with a Break-Up as a People Pleaser

He broke my heart in the worst way possible, but I still wanted him to like me.

I am a people pleaser. I would like to say that I came to this realization on my own merit, but it actually took several people (including my driving instructor) to make me aware of this. I thrive on knowing that people like me or are proud of me. I have gone to extreme measures to ensure this, signing up to extra classes when I felt like a teacher didn’t like me, or buying a box of doughnuts for the salon when I was a few minutes late to the hairdressers and convinced myself everyone there was annoyed at me. I wasn’t aware that when I went through a breakup at the beginning of this year, that being a people pleaser would get in the way of my healing and recovery. 

I’m not going to give you the nitty gritty details of the breakup. I’m equally not going to go on a rant about men and how it’s true that you should never date a guy who’s name begins with a J. I will tell you that it was a nasty breakup, a cruel and unexpected one from a person I never thought would hurt me. I was brutally left during an incredibly difficult time. And despite all of that, despite the hurt in my heart and the way I wanted to scream and yell at him for leaving me, I still wanted him to like me. I still wanted him to think of me as a good person, I wanted his family to still think positively of me — even though I did nothing wrong and he was the mean one. This is what has hindered my recovery the most, and something that I still struggle with. I put off no contact and removing him from social media platforms because I felt guilty. How would he feel when he notices he’s blocked from viewing my pages? How would his brother or sister feel when they notice I had to unfollow them, because seeing photos of him just hurt too much? I was constantly evaluating the impact of my actions on others without taking into consideration what was best for me, and what would allow me to actually heal and eventually move on. 

What Did i learn?

When searching “breaking up as a people pleaser,” all the results were tailored towards the dumpee. Whilst I agree that no one should stay in a relationship that no longer makes them happy, purely to keep the other partner happy, it was not the advice or guidance that I (the dumpee) was looking for. I ended up having to sit (uncomfortably) with my feelings and work out why I felt the urge to ensure that he, his family, and his friends still liked me. The breakup was sudden and I was blindsided, I had lost any sense of control. By following my people pleasing tendencies, it gave me a false sense of control of the situation. If I said or acted in a particular way to ensure that they still liked me, that would make everything better, right?

But alas, I came to the conclusion that attempting to control others' perception of me was only hindering my healing. It was okay for me to unfriend his dad on Facebook because I didn’t want to see any photos of him. This wasn’t some vendetta against his family, but something necessary for me to do. I can control what I see or choose not to see, I can control the way I decide to heal. I can’t control other people’s emotions or the way they perceive me, and that’s okay. 

When reflecting on my thoughts around the breakup in correlation with being a people pleaser, I noticed another negative pattern emerging. Not only was I desperate to seek validation from him and his family, but from everyone else. I was desperate for people to tell me that I’m doing a good job healing and that I’m going about things in the “right way.” It didn’t matter to me how I was feeling or whether something felt like the right thing to do, but whether others approved of it first. Whilst I much appreciate the love and support I have received from my friends and family, I had to learn that I need to make my own decisions and go on my own healing journey. I know I am doing the right thing as it stands, whilst others recommend downloading Hinge or “getting under someone to get over someone,” I know that isn’t right for me, regardless of whether they think it’s the best thing. 

I’ll be honest and say I have only been in no contact with him for just over a month. I knew our attempt at friendship would slowly fizzle out at some point, but after another act of cruelty on his behalf, I decided to end the “friendship” completely. The strange thing was, I wasn’t worried about him being hurt or whether he might need to talk to me about something important, I actually felt a huge sense of peace and relief. He lost his privilege of having me involved in his life after he treated me the way he did. He does not deserve my kindness or my love. I don’t need to please him or show him that I’m a good person, because I know I am. That was the breakthrough. I don’t have anything to prove to him, or anyone for that matter. I have, and will continue to act in a good and kindhearted manner (even though there are so many things I want to scream and yell at him about). I now care about the way I think about myself, and have been working hard on improving myself. In the months since the relationship came to an end I have: made progress on my physical limitations, made new friends, gone out with friends more often, applied to jobs I previously wouldn’t have, nearly finished my SHA certification course, and purchased two new vibrators (self care is key). 

It has been a long healing journey, and I still have a while to go. I know it will still take time to stop trying to please others, but for now I am focusing on pleasing myself, and making myself happy (with the help of my two new toys).

Written by Steph McCartney.