Do Your Homework: Couples Sex Therapy Exercises To Do At Home

Homework doesn’t stop once you leave education. For those who have experienced therapy, you may be familiar with the idea of “homework” — exercises and practices that are meant to be carried out at home, away from the presence of the therapist. Individuals or couples have the chance to actively practice what they learned in therapy, and reflect on that practice in the next session. There are many “homework” tasks that can be assigned, some may be meant to be practiced alone, and others with your partner. For most therapies to work, consistency in approach, practice, and outside exercises is key to ensuring the therapeutic methods stick. Think of it like learning a new skill–You don’t learn to cook by talking to a chef or watching Hell’s Kitchen, you need to practice cooking and the skills and techniques required for it. Therapy, especially sex therapy, works in the same way, and there is no right or wrong reason for choosing to engage in sex therapy!

Talk, Talk, Talk!

Often the first homework assignment is a communication task. Lack of communication is a main obstacle between partners, especially in the way that being open and honest can be difficult. During a session, the sex therapist will give you specific questions to open up channels of communication. Examples of this include: 

1. When do you feel the sexiest? 

2. When do you feel least sexy?

3. What do I do in bed that you really like? 

4. What do I do in bed that turns you off? 

5. If there were one thing which you would like me to do when we are making love that we have not done, what would it be?

Once both partners are confident and comfortable asking and answering these questions, they are able to progress into interpersonal communication. Here you can ask questions like “What have I done to make you feel loved this week? What could I do better in that regard?” or “How can we make intimacy a priority?”

Couples may want to practice “uninterrupted listening” when working on their communication skills. In this, one partner A talks about whatever they want for 15 minutes, and partner B simply actively listens. Once partner A has finished speaking, part B replies with what they heard and should paraphrase the main points. You may be surprised how often what you say is different from what they hear. 

Sensate Focus 

Sensate Focus, a sex therapy technique created by Masters and Johnson in the 1960s is one sex therapy exercise that has been used by sex therapists for many years. It is seen to help people overcome barriers to sexual satisfaction and deepen their sexual experience. Sensate Focus revolves around mindful touch, further teaching people how to get out of spiraling thoughts in their heads and instead focus on their bodies during sexual experiences. Sensate Focus aims to reduce anxiety around sex and intimacy by using non-demand touching — you are touching yourself or your partner with no expectations in mind. This is not about pleasure or reaching orgasm, but instead touching for yourself, to be curious and explore your and your partner's body.

The foundations around Sensate Focus involve being willing to change attitudes about sex, reducing problematic behaviors, getting rid of sexual performance anxiety, and helping couples improve communication around sex and sexual techniques. Sensate Focus requires mutual responsibility, that all individuals participating have a mindset that frames any sexual difficulties as a problem of the couple rather than purely the problem of the person who’s identified as “the patient.” Structured homework assignments are the prime component that separates Sensate Focus from other behavioral techniques.

HOW To PRACTICE SENSATE FOCUS AT HOME:

1. In the first phase and first few exercises, touching genitals and breasts is off the table. A homework exercise at this stage may be to take turns touching, kissing, and stroking anywhere on your partner's body (or your own body).

2.  After this has been successfully practiced and both partners are comfortable, this can be repeated and include the touch of genitals and breasts 

3. Mutual touching, kissing, and stroking of each other’s bodies simultaneously. Start without touching breasts and genitals, and then progress to touching these areas. It is still key at this point to avoid touching that leads to orgasm and intercourse 

4. Go through the previous three steps, and then move into a position as if you are going to have intercourse (or masturbate, if this is practiced solo). Move and rub your bodies against each other, but still, avoid actual intercourse or orgasm until completing this stage twice. 

To be as clear as possible, there is NO sexual behavior of any kind in a sex therapist’s office. Rather, sex therapy is the talk therapy you’re probably familiar with, just with an emphasis on sexuality or sexual issues. As many patients of couples or sex therapists may know, at-home exercises (to try either solo or with a partner) surprisingly avoid sex, or at the very least, avoids the act of penetrative sex, in order to reframe our thoughts as to what constitutes sex and intimacy. Exercises given may be as simple and platonic as hugging—for this, the couple is required to hug until both feel at ease and relaxed, with the aim being to connect mutually. Another common exercise is for both partners to lie down with their heads on the pillow and face each other. In this task, all that is required is to simply look into the partner’s eyes,  the goal being to quiet the mind and heart. Touch is allowed in this task, but erogenous areas or touch that may distract or excite should be avoided. 

Where to find a sex therapist 

If reading this article makes you want to gain these tools, then look no further! Join a Respark therapist to learn more and improve your intimate and romantic life. At ReSpark, our therapists have the most up-to-date knowledge and specialized training to help you create the life you want that sparks joy. 

Written by Stephanie McCartney.