When Anger Knocks on your Sex and Relationship Door
Being human with consciousness—that is, having feelings, thoughts, and memories—means once in a while we will feel anger, frustration, and anxiety in our relationships. It is nothing to feel ashamed and guilty about! The more you form distinctive relationships, the more you’ll get to explore the different faculties of your emotions—including anger and pain. You might find yourself or your partner(s) displaying anger in different ways and motions, both in sexual and non-sexual situations. When this happens, the best thing to do is to take the anger out for lunch, sit with it, and dig into the “whys” and the “hows.” The real challenge is not to stop yourself from feeling these emotions; instead, it is about learning to control and cope with the challenging situations you find yourself in. So, if you relate to experiencing discomfort when it comes to handling anger and frustration in your unique sexual experiences and relationships, I’d say keep on reading…
What is Anger, really?
Anger as an emotion is often misinterpreted. Feeling angry towards a situation or a person is not a direct indication of being bad, irrational, or the opposite of loving someone. Emotions cannot be categorized as right or wrong; only your actions that follow can be graded as positive or negative. Therefore, anger in itself is not the ultimate red flag. It is a biological reaction when we find ourselves in dangerous situations with the “fight or flight” mode on. However, when put in a social context, we need to understand anger as more than just a primal drive.
Growing up around people who have had strong enraged personalities, I made a promise to myself (as a 10-year-old) to never handle confrontations with destructive anger and hostile expressions. But as I grew up and dived into building more relationships and navigating the stages of those relationships with different kinds of people, I learned how convoluted it can be to keep such a promise. To note, it does feel insurmountable to shut yourself off or calm down when the anger is boiling up like a storm in a teacup. However, if you’re still reading this, you’re already a step ahead to do the impossible.
Learn more about your expressions of anger
The Gottman Research Institute identifies destructive anger to be the most predictable factor in the termination of relationships. And continued destructive forms of anger including verbal and physical is a form of abuse. Moreover, Gröndal (2023) found that higher levels of anger and irritability are linked to reduced life satisfaction. Therefore, if you’re someone who easily gets out of control in stressful situations, here are a few considerations to help you out!
Firstly, don’t disregard your angry and antagonized outbursts. This will only delay the anger management process and cause further relationship problems. More so, you need to sit and replay what happened, what you did, what caused the anger in the first place, and how your reactions concluded it. I know it sounds like a dreadful homework assignment, but there are no shortcuts when it comes to this. The aftermath of the outburst will bring in a lot more negative emotions but you need to sit tight with yourself, switch on the search engine in you, and start typing: “Why did I have this reaction? At what point did I start getting angry? Was it when I missed my train, was it when someone at work spilled their hot coffee on me, was it when it started to rain and I forgot the umbrella, or was it when my partner left the dishes in the sink again?” Simply dissecting the anger’s reasons is a great step to learn to control it instead of blaming others for causing your anger outburst. More so, it is important to grasp that you don’t necessarily control your anger by keeping quiet: you put the brakes on by resolving the underlying issue. For instance, if you realize that your anger explodes every time your partner tries to talk about your past struggles, you need to find out what it is about your past that you feel reluctant to share. There is something there that makes your skin crawl and that’s what you need to be more open about to yourself and your partner to let the anger subside. Moreover, consider taking responsibility for your harsh reactions. You need to be apologetic to your partner and understand that they never subscribed to be your punching bag in the relationship.
Can Angry sex ever be healthy?
First things first, if you’re engaging in angry sex to avoid having distressing conversations with your partner(s), you might want to postpone the urge for later. You can’t use angry sex as an escape from all the problems in your relationships. Angry sex can never be the sure-shot way to resolve interpersonal conflicts. Period.
Having said that, angry sex can be a healthy way to release all that adrenaline-filled tension you’re feeling at the moment. No doubt, it’s an enjoyable remedy to let go of all those frowned lines and stiffened postures. Engaging in passionate, rip-roaring, and bed-breaking sex is one of the most ideal ways to bring in a surge of happy hormones into your brain circuitry including oxytocin and dopamine. These hormones are further considered to build up closeness and rational stability, which would be useful later– when you and your partner recover from the heavy intensified sex and are ready to have the tough tête-à-tête.
Additionally, angry sex can also take an overly aggressive form if done without communicating boundaries. Even with all the intense flowing of emotions, it is crucial to take consent when trying something new or risky in between the silky sheets.
At last, anger is a good source of grasping your boundaries but can easily become a lifetime of aches and pains if not steered through healthily. And naturally, if you feel the need to find professional help, please do so!
Curious about your path in the evolving field of sexuality? Let's find out which SHA certification is meant for you. Take our 'Shape the Future of Sexuality: Which Certification Is Your Calling?' quiz and embrace your future role in shaping sexuality education.