When entering a new relationship, being fully aware of what may be in store for you and your partner can ease the process, making each step feel less daunting and challenging for you to overcome together. Below is a list of the five stages in a relationship, and understanding them can benefit the relationship significantly. To prepare for the challenges to come, you can look inwards to understand how you yourself may act in each of these stages to better prepare yourself to face them. And through doing this, you and your partner can connect on a deeper level and work to enjoy the relationship at every stage, even the more difficult ones.
MERGE
In this first stage of the relationship, the two people are first getting to know each other and getting caught up in the passion of this initial process. This phase is also known as the “Honeymoon Phase.” During this time, the relationship may feel all-consuming, and the new partners may spend a significant amount of their time being together and thinking about each other. It can last any amount of time depending on each relationship, but the standard is around one to two years.
Oftentimes, this time is filled with new, exciting sexual experiences as the two people begin to connect on an intimate level. The combination of this new person with the release of brain chemicals like dopamine and oxytocin creates an addiction-like feeling, which is associated with the new relationship.
To those outside the relationship, they may see the partner as a perfect match, and notice their instant connection and speed of the relationship. This is generally a positive sign, although it is equally important for these partners to maintain their relationships outside of their new coupling. When the Merge stage becomes too intense and outside relationships are compromised and diminished, this can be an early warning sign for an unhealthy relationship.
In this stage, both partners should enjoy this process of getting to know each other and exploring their intimate relationship. While this stage doesn’t last forever, it can be very exciting while it does. However, it is critical at this point to see your relationship as honestly as possible, and pay attention to any red flags or concerning behavior. It’s also important to value your own honesty and transparency at this stage and be as upfront about your needs and desires as possible.
DOUBT AND DENIAL
When this honesty comes through and the partners begin to see each other for who they truly are, the relationship moves into this next stage. These discrepancies lead to conflict, which can arise as irritability or incompatibilities arise in conversation. When conflict occurs, each partner must navigate through this both individually and as a team in order to work through their problems. This process involves a compromise between different styles of communication and conflict resolution and can be incredibly difficult if each partner does not know themselves and their own styles prior to entering this stage.
During this stage of the relationship, the sex life of the partners may come into focus. Differences in sexual preferences and desire levels may be perceived as incompatibilities, rather than exciting new experiences. For some relationships, sex becomes emotionally taxing and may wean down from the level it was at in the previous stage. When the couple decreases their sexual activity together, they may feel even further apart, physically and emotionally.
This stage is incredibly important to the foundation of the relationship because this is when the conflict resolution styles of each partner become transparent. If each partner does not know their own style, they must confront their own communication skills while navigating their conflict with their partner. In the ideal scenario, the partners will join together to work through any conflict that arises, leaving space for open and honest communication and working toward compromise.
However, if the partners cannot come together to communicate, the relationship may begin to develop cracks, and the foundation may not be stable enough to build upon in the future. At this stage, you have to remember the aspects of your partner that drew you towards them in the first place, and value your connection as you confront any conflict. Be honest with your partner, and communicate honestly about your needs, making sure to be open to hearing theirs as well.
DISILLUSIONMENT
The next stage of the relationship brings clarity. Through the doubt and denial, all major points of tension and uncertainty have come to the surface. Generally, at this point, each partner is aware of each other’s communication and conflict styles, and all their characteristics that shape who they are in a relationship. Past trauma may have arisen from one or both parties, forcing a depth of emotion that may feel uncomfortable to confront.
At this stage, a partner may feel their fight-or-flight instincts come into focus. They may feel uncomfortable, emotional, and insecure, which could create the desire to fade away from the relationship, mentally and physically. They may also feel like any small conflict may set them off into an angry or frustrated state, creating larger problems in the relationship or even an inconsolable fight.
While relationships are constructed on honesty, in the stage of disillusionment, each partner has to be honest with themselves about their own feelings about the relationship. Only with complete agreement will this relationship be able to move past this point, so any hesitations or difficult conversations must take place at this time. To counteract the heightened emotional state, partners should focus on caring for themselves and for each other, taking extra time to show their affection.
THE DECISION
After the first three stages, the relationship lands at a crossroads. At this point, the partners can acknowledge their differences and can see each other as the people they truly are, yet they must choose to either move forward in their relationship together and accept these differences, or they must end the relationship.
If the couple chooses to end the relationship, this may take the form of a slow, fizzling-out, where they spend less time together and eventually grow apart, or it may end in an emotionally-taxing fight that leaves the partners no choice but to separate.
The most important skill to focus on during this stage is communication, both with yourself and with your partner. Valuing your other relationships during this time can also be important, as they can help you gain insight into how you are feeling and what you truly want. If you choose to move forward, you must do so with an honest evaluation of your own actions through this relationship, and understand how you can better yourself as a partner. If you choose not to move forward, you must work to do so with kindness, remembering the connection and memories that you have shared up to this point.
WHOLEHEARTED LOVE
The final stage of a relationship is wholehearted love, where each partner has fully come to know themselves and each other and can appreciate their connection together despite any differences. Conflict may still arise, but the partners can be comfortable in the fact that they are equipped to communicate about these issues and will be able to work through them with kindness and honesty.
At this stage, the exciting parts of the relationship that came up in the first stage will resurface, and sexual intimacy will come into focus again. Even with these exciting parts, the relationship will feel stronger than before, and the partners will feel closer together on an emotional level. This connection will keep the relationship sustained through highs and lows for as long as the partners can maintain their communication with each other.
If you are lucky enough to reach this stage, you should take a moment to appreciate the journey you have undergone, and the growth that was required to get you there. Know that times will not always be easy, but that you are strong enough to handle whatever may arise and that your partner will be there to handle it with you.
It’s important to note that these stages are not linear; in fact, they might occur out of order, and multiple times and you and your partner grow and change. In times of uncertainty, remember to value your relationship with yourself and those around you who care about you, because this is where you can turn to for support. Therapy can be an incredibly helpful tool to assist you in working through these stages, but also getting to know yourself and why your desires and tendencies function in the way that they do.
By Sydney Sullivan