Navigating Sexual Identity after Faith Transition
A shift in religious identity during adulthood is becoming increasingly common. A recent study by the Public Religion Research Institute reports that one in four Amerians were previously followers of another religion than the one they affiliate with now. This represents an increase from the 16% of Americans reported in 2021 (Religion and Congregations in a Time of Social and Political Upheaval, PRRI: ). Changes in religious perspective can prompt a reexamination of all aspects of one’s life: professional, political, and familial. Since one’s sexuality can often be closely tied to a religious practice, faith transitions may create unique challenges as adults navigate a shifting sexual self.
Psychologist Dr. Marlene Winell, author of Leaving the Fold: A Guide for Former Fundamentalists and Others Leaving Their Religion, writes that it “can be shattering to realize that your religion is creating problems in your life. Whether you leave abruptly or drift away over a long period of time, you may experience profound sadness and confusion about what to do, think, and believe.”
Even those who don’t experience an acute, painful break with a faith tradition may feel the lingering impact of unresolved issues. One example from Winell’s book was Terry. In his fifties, he realized the faith of his youth still left him angry. “He resented the guilt he felt over sexuality and the fact that he hadn’t been given full support needed for essential self-worth.”
Individuals like Terry can feel at a loss as to how to resolve this pain. Natasha Helfer, LMFT works frequently with individuals like Terry as they seek to navigate their sexuality after a religious transition. She recommends a PEP Talk© with the support of an AASECT certified mental health professional: Permission, Educate, and Practice.
Permission
As an old religious identity fades away, one may find oneself questioning the formerly forbidden. Groups with strict requirements may have very strict beliefs regarding the body, modesty, and sexuality. Reexamining those rules can be liberating, but also disorienting. “It’s really profound work to start giving yourself permission,” Helfer says. Permission begins with honoring basic mental and physical needs: “Can you give yourself permission to sleep? Can you give yourself permission to have fun? Can you give yourself permission to fail?” From there, it extends to “erotic permission, fantasy permission, permission for identity formation work.”
Some may have been taught to denigrate the body and deny its sensations, sexual and otherwise, on the path to spiritual enlightenment. It is vital to reclaim the right to experience pleasure in all forms, from sipping a cup of coffee to admiring a beautiful sunset.
Dr. Winell offers some other suggestions:
“When you are walking, focus on the feelings in your body. Try different ways of walking—leisurely, briskly, with confidence in your posture, with grace like a dancer, lightly, or very slowly—noticing the careful coordination of all your muscles.”
“Include more dance in your life—at home rocking out privately to music, taking a dance class, or going out on the town.”
“Get a professional whole-body massage.”
Educate
Helfer strongly recommends those in a faith transition “get good adult comprehensive sexual education, which most of us are completely lacking.” A knowledge of human anatomy and social justice theories are both vital components of a holistic sex education. From that foundation, individuals are better able to contextualize their own sexual feelings and ask: “What's getting in my way? What do I need to know about my body?”
It is important to get a better understanding of how common certain sexual fantasies are. Helfer cites the important research done by Dr. Justin Lehmiller, leader of multiple Sexual Health Alliance events and author of Tell Me What You Want: The Science of Sexual Desire and How It Can Help You Improve Your Sex Life. She says, “Your erotic template is not really your social justice brain.” From a threesome to an intense BDSM power exchange, if those fantasies are explored while honoring “principles of sexual health– consent, non-coercion, and mutual pleasure, those are going to be scenarios that you can really enjoy.”
Practice
While permission and education are critical, “practice is where the rubber hits the road.” Helfer gives the example of a person exploring shame free masturbation. “I will give myself permission to masturbate, for example, but then I do it and I feel guilty. I still have twenty, thirty, forty years of indoctrination.” She likens practicing pleasure to playing the violin: “You're not going to do good at first. And you can give up and say, ‘Well, that sounded horrible!’ Or you can keep at it. Over time it becomes muscle memory. You start sounding really good, and you can do all kinds of things now with the violin that you couldn't do before. It's the same with this.”
A Revolutionary Self
The road to an authentic sexual self can be daunting, yet profoundly rewarding. In a Reddit thread titled “How did leaving your religion affect your sex life?, one person shared:
I went from having a prescribed, inflexible model for proper sexual behavior to being experimental, willing to question norms and eager to learn and discover more and more about sexuality and my own and others sexual thirsts. This has taken me down some amazing sexual paths and I feel like a much more satisfied person as a result.
Another person poignantly writes: “...leaving religion revolutionized my sex life.” The Sexual Health Alliance provides a variety of courses and events which provide a healthy and safe environment in which to learn about sexuality, from kink, to consensual non-monogamy. An AASECT certified mental health professional can provide essential mentorship through this exciting exploration.
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By Tessa Tate