Much like the SAT you sat for, an interview you gave for your dream job, or the final draft you sent to your editor, sex too is often anxiety-provoking. Most of us were never educated about experiencing the vulnerability that comes with sex, which is why we may fail to recognize the importance of creating space for discussing discomfort during sex.
Though the initial goosebumps and sprinting heartbeats are normal experiences of getting into bed with someone, it is vital to notice when the more typical anxiety turn to a not-so-typical and almost suffocating feeling. Sexual anxiety is one of the most common elements of sex that people complain about. There can be a plethora of reasons why you or your partner(s) feel anxious during sex including past trauma, body image dissatisfaction, and other life stressors. Another common and insidious reason for anxiety to be high during coitus? Worrying about your “performance.” Considering sex as a performance rather than an experience takes away its normality and adds the stress of performing well. Once we start to dismantle this view and identify sex for what it truly is– a pleasure-filled experience–it will be easier to overcome the pressure and anxiety.
To help you deconstruct these societal stressors, defeat the overpowering anxiety, and experience the sex you deserve, we have come up with a few useful tips!
Find the kind of sexual pleasure you WANT to give and receive
All the myths that we come across growing up titled “what women want” or “what men want” are bogus and ultimately have done more harm than good. Pleasure is a subjective experience that is unique to different people and different bodies. Before you get into bed with someone, on the table, or against the wall, make sure you’re aware of what makes you feel the most pleasure. The touches, kisses, and the kind of clitoral/penis stimulation you enjoy the most should be on your fingertips (pun very much intended). Solo masturbation practices can be the first step to experiencing great partnered sex. People who fast forward to sex with partners, without learning how their body works, often feel more anxious. Thus, if you’ve found yourself in situations where you are stressed out about your ability to give or receive pleasure during sex, take it as a sign to go back home and play with yourself. The medicine to treat the anxiety of not knowing how to engage in sex is to learn how YOUR body engages with pleasure. The better you become at recognizing your personal and distinct sexual cues, the less anxious you’ll feel about new sexual experiences.
Express the sex you enjoy
Now that you’ve masturbated and noticed where or how you can feel the most sexual satisfaction, you need to express that openly to your partner(s). No communication before sex is like going through a medical procedure without consulting your doctor first. It creates room for many unnecessary risks and causes an incredible amount of anxiety. Expressing your concerns, what works and what doesn’t for your body, and discussing safe words if needed, is essential to crushing the fear and stress. A 2017 study reported that the more couples communicated about sex, the more they felt sexually satisfied in their relationships. For women, orgasms were also achieved more frequently. So if you’re looking for more satisfying sex and less anxiety-producing sex, start talking!
Learn mindfulness
Taking three deep breaths before engaging in sex is more helpful than what you’re told. Deep and focused breathing can allow you to feel present at the moment and help increase the awareness of your senses. The more you find yourself drifting away with anxiety, the less you’ll feel in control, which, in the end, only heightens your anxious thoughts and behavior. It’s a vicious cycle! Moreover, concentrate on attending to your non-genital erogenous zones with your partner(s). Taking it slow and focusing only on specific acts or how your body is reacting presently will help relieve the pressure off genital sex, which is often misunderstood as the star of the show. The real star is you feeling secure and in control of your body during sex. Healthy mindfulness exercises can further assist in making sex an experience and not a performance.
Educate yourself about healthy sex
Find the sex-positive support and education you may have, like many of us, never been presented or given. Take some time out of your busy schedules and make intentional efforts to educate yourself about sexual health and pleasure. Find educational and professional support through social media sex-positive educators like Dr. Zhana Vrangalova or Dr. Emily Morse, look for healthy sex seminars to attend, and read more sex-positive books. Imagine, if you were never educated about the history of World War I, and one day you were suddenly asked to give an exam on the topic. Doesn’t sound like the calmest situation, right? Similarly, for generations as we have lacked the ability to deliberately learn about sex, we have created more space for anxiety to take over our experiences. Therefore, we need to be more mindful of attending to our right to comprehensive sex education. A great way to educate yourself further is by attending one of SHA’s Exceptional Weekends, which are weekend-long conferences with experts in the field of sex and sexuality. Our next one is happening in a few short weeks, so snag your tickets soon.
As mentioned, there is an exhaustive list of causes for anxiety during partnered sex and hopefully, some of it can be managed by these tips. Nevertheless, if you find yourself overpowered by intolerable levels of anxiety in sexual situations, it is advisable to get professional help from sex-positive therapists.
Written by Shreya Tomar.