Intimacy and bonding are essential for a healthy relationship. Furthermore, the act of touch significantly benefits both our health and happiness. Affection and physical contact boosts oxytocin levels, which boosts our happiness as well as enhances our bonding experiences. There are endless benefits to touch and non-sexual intimacy, this can be defined as any intimate act that is not sexual. You can curl up on the sofa with your friend to watch the latest episode of Stranger Things, engage in debate about the afterlife with a classmate, or vent about your stressful day at work to your sister. These acts of non-sexual intimacy are not restrained to being in a relationship. What is crucial is setting up boundaries and having clear consent before participating in non-seuxal intimacy. This could mean asking someone if the topic of debate is triggering for them, or making sure someone is comfortable with being held before you step forwards to hug them. Creating a safe and comfortable environment will increase the positive effects of non-sexual intimacy, allowing all involved to feel loved and engaged in the relationship.
Mary Garis, lifestyle write for Well+Good goes into detail about the various forms of intimacy, explaining that there are (at least) four types of intimacy which can allow us to connect with someone:
Emotional Intimacy:
Participating in emotional intimacy means making the time and effort to cultivate a sense of closeness around feelings. Empathy, respect, and communication are key aspects in giving and receiving emotional intimacy. Strengthening emotional intimacy in a relationship takes time and patience, but creating a safe and comfortable environment can provide a space to bring up difficult feelings. The article further explains that discussions of emotions should be contextualized “so you can communicate [your feelings] as direct and potent statements.”
Mental Intimacy:
This can also be called intellectual intimacy. Experiencing this form of intimacy means feeling comfortable with expressing and communicating your beliefs and viewpoints without worrying about conflict. There is no sense of pressure to agree with the other person, opinions are valued and understood. When facing different perspectives, intellectual intimacy can be increased by discussing each viewpoint. It is crucial when having these discussions that neither party grows defensive or angry. Intellectual intimacy is not about proving who is right, but about hearing the other person's opinions and learning more about them.
Spiritual Intimacy:
Spiritual intimacy and intellectual intimacy are closely related. Spiritual intimacy, however, can be more difficult as it is less likely for people in a relationship or friendship to be similarly in touch with their spirituality. Spirituality is an umbrella term and has the ability to take a variety of forms. It could simply mean value or ethics for some people, an example of this could be agreeing that neither party in the relationship will participate in smoking. Psychologist Dr. Helene Brenner expresses that “if your partner is not spiritually inclined, find spiritual intimacy by expressing to your partner what your spirituality means to you, how it makes you a better person or gives more meaning to your life.” I love and believe in crystals, my partner does not. Despite our different beliefs, spiritual intimacy is created by him expressing an interest in my beliefs, asking me what my favorite crystal is, or one I would recommend for him. There is no sense of criticism or mockery. Unlike intellectual intimacy, spiritual intimacy transcends beyond any logic and can provide greater insight into your partner’s personal spiritual beliefs. Spiritual intimacy does not necessarily have to be religious or involve the use of crystals and other metaphysical items. Engaging in spiritual intimacy could be spending time in nature together, visiting your favorite places together, or discussing your beliefs on life after death.
Physical Intimacy:
This is seen as the most popular form of intimacy, but by no means is it the most important. Travis Sigley, creator of cuddle therapy in San Francisco, goes into detail about the importance of non-sexual intimate touch. Sigley says “We have a huge demand for touch and human contact that we don’t have met…our supply in our daily lives is dismal.” Our day-to-day interactions lack in touch and, as a consequence, we feel disconnected from others. Sigley emphasizes the nourishing properties of touch for all involved in the physical connection. As humans, we are meant to be in physical contact, but in the busy modern world and the addition of social distancing, we are no longer getting physical contact on a regular basis. Unlike the stimulating nature of sexual touch, non-seuxal touch like cuddling or a hug is relaxing. In the context of cuddle therapy, there is the chance to practice setting and implementing boundaries. Not only are the trained cuddlers themselves taught how to set boundaries, but the clients learn how to be clear about their own. “That skill is hugely important, particularly for people who have trouble saying ‘no’ in a sexual situation that they’re not totally comfortable with.”
It is clear that there are many ways we can give and receive non-sexual intimacy. But what happens when you have a fear of intimacy? Signs you are uncomfortable or have a fear of intimacy include: not tolerating close emotional interactions, not willing to share feelings, and preference to be alone when things begin feeling personal. Marriage therapist, Hilda De La Torre, states that this fear is not uncommon and that a “fear of intimacy holds a purpose, and most likely it’s protection.” This fear of intimacy is not a lack of desire, but instead a fear of being hurt. To overcome a fear of intimacy, De La Torre suggests the necessity to “start building an intimate relationship with yourself.” Sit with your feelings, see how they manifest in your body. Be aware of negative self-talk. You are loveable. You are more than enough. Practicing gratitude is a further way to build a relationship with yourself, whether this is writing self-love notes and sticking them around your bedroom, or showing gratitude for your physical self by embracing body neutrality and appreciating all your body has done for you.
Intimacy does not mean sex, and touch without any expectation of sex can deepend the bonding experience in the relationship. Kim Bowen, counselor and founder of The Marriage Place, remarks that during her counseling sessions about sex and intimacy, she “often asks couples that are struggling in the bedroom to first focus on the activities outside of the bedroom.” Whilst non-sexual touch can be done unconsciously (e.g. you naturally reach for your partners hand when going on a walk) there needs to be deliberate and intentional effort to increase the amount of non-sexual touch with non-sexual intentions.
“What tends to happen within a couple – especially a couple where the partners have distinctly different sex drives (which is most couples, by the way) – is that the lower desire spouse will quit touching the higher desire spouse because any touch is interpreted as an invitation for sex.” (Bowen)
There needs to be touch that both parties agree is not intended to lead to sex. Intentional non-sexual touch can build trust, teaching each partner that there can be touch without the follow-up of sex. Examples that Bowen suggests are:
The Three Minute Hug— This is pretty self-explanatory, you and your partner embrace for three minutes straight. Bowen notes when observing couples participating in this that at first the couple starts out stiff and awkward, they don’t seem to be in the moment. But after a while, the bodies and mind relax and both partners emotionally join together, all in 180 seconds.
The Thirty Second Kiss— Whilst thirty seconds isn’t a long period of time, it feels far more intentional (and longer) than a quick peck. “It’s long enough that you can’t fake it and you are forced to connect with each other…it’s nearly impossible to kiss for that long and not feel closer to your partner.”
Note increasing non-sexual intimacy does not guarantee more, or better sex, but the two are connected. As I always preach, communication is key. There will be no changes in intimacy and non-sexual intimacy without honest and open dialogue with your partner. Communicate with yourself too; take time to identify areas of intimacy you feel are lacking. This may be feeling a lack of quality time together due to phone usage, or wishing your partner asked you more about your special interests. If after making efforts to increase intimacy, you find you are still struggling in the relationship, you may find that contacting a sex therapist is your next step.
By Stephanie McCartney
Interested in learning more about this and other topics regarding couples? Join us for our upcoming workshop; Coming Together: Techniques for working with Relationships & Couples. This workshop is for therapists, counselors, coaches and educators working with monogamous couples who are experiencing relationship and intimacy related issues. A step-by-step approach on how to assess and treat couples with high-conflict or complex issues with communication, sex, and intimacy.