The Coronavirus pandemic and subsequent switch to online working has seen a dramatic increase in the amount of people experiencing high levels of stress and burnout. Despite lockdown rules being relaxed and work returning to normal, burnout is still just as prevalent. Burnout can have a significant emotional and physical impact on the individual, the emotional exhaustion that stems from it and result in a shift in the way sex is percieved or prioritized. By taking on ideas from Emily Nagoski, PhD and Amelia Nagoski, DMA, book, Burnout: The Secret to Unlocking the Stress Cycle, this article will explore how burnout affects sex, and the ways to complete the stress and burnout cycle.
Burnout, originally defined by Herbet Freudenberger in the 1970’s defines burnout to be:
Depersonalization— you have separated yourself emotionally from your work instead of investing in yourself
A decreased sense of accomplishment
Emotional exhaustion
Although this definition was originally only inclusive in the workplace, it has since been expanded to all situations. Just as your job can result in stress and burnout, parenting or taking care of a sick relative can result in burnout too. Emily and Amelia, twin sisters, note that in men burnout tends to manifest as depersonalization. For women, however, emotional exhaustion is the most prevalent sign of burnout. “Human giver syndrome” is a further reason why women are far more likely to experience emotional exhaustion and in turn, burnout. In a podcast on the effects of burnout in the perinatal/postpartum period, Emily defines “human giver syndrome” as being the “moral imperative for women to be calm and pretty and attentive to the needs of others at all times. Any attention to yourself is deemed as selfish. Your job is to give your body, and your time to others.” This is especially true in motherhood where the needs of others are expected to be a constant priority over the mothers personal needs.
The Nagoski sisters note that burnout is not a medical diagnosis, but instead a condition related to overwhelming stress. This condition can further overlap with other things such as depression, anxiety, and rage. Whilst the symptoms seem like they would be easy to spot, it can be incredibly difficult to realize that you aren’t “just tired” but instead experiencing burnout. Some people simply know how to listen to their bodies; they feel an emotional shift and know that their emotional needs require some attention. Others are not as aware of the changes their bodies are going through, and instead attempt to work through burnout rather than completing the stress cycle. Amelia, who openly admits she has struggled greatly with listening to her body and emotions, states: “One of the things that causes burnout is our inability to recognise the hard stuff welling up inside of us. The solution is being able to turn to this difficult feeling with kindness and compassion.” You may refuse to listen to your body in anticipated fear of any uncomfortable feelings that are happening in your body, to which Emily offers a useful analogy of a tunnel in order to explain the importance of feeling your emotions. She explains, “Feelings are tunnels. You have to go through the darkness to get to the light at the end.” To further find out ways to listen to your feelings and your body, the Nagoski sisters have five episodes on their podcast the Feminst Survival Podcast that go into detail on learning to listen to your body.
In the same way that feelings are like a tunnel, stress and burnout are the same. You have to work through it and complete the cycle. It is when you get stuck in the tunnel, or in the middle of the stress cycle, that the stress can develop and become harmful. Before we can learn how to move through the stress cycle, we must first learn the difference between the stressor and the stress. The stressor is the cause of the stress, such as a huge presentation due next week and you HATE public speaking. The stress, then, is the physiological things in your body: headaches, stomach aches, a racing heart and shaking are all physiological effects of stress that stems from the survival fight or flight response.
Learning the distinction between the two can be essential in the way you deal with stress as a whole. Your aim is to learn that your body is now a safe place for you to be in—you have to separate dealing with the stress from dealing with the stressor itself. Take the previous example of an upcoming presentation: the stressor, the presentation, is something that you can not deal with or resolve until you have finished giving the presentation. Your goal is then to deal with your current stress, which may manifest as sleepless nights and constant body ache. To successfully do this, you must work on and teaching yourself that in these moments, you and your body are safe. Telling yourself or someone else to “just relax!” is not effective in any way. You may have moved away from the situation that is causing stress in an attempt to relax, but you have not changed your body’s physiological state into one of safety. “Just relaxing” does not complete the stress cycle, and leaves you trapped in a state of fight-or-flight.
Though there are countless ways, Burnout provides a list of ways that you can release stress and in turn complete the stress cycle:
Breath:
Taking deep, slow breaths to downregulate the stress response is the first idea given. It is noted, however, that this works when the stress isn’t too high or you are in need of getting rid of some stress and dealing with the rest later.
Positive Social Interaction
This refers to casual but friendly interaction, which is a pleasant way to reassure yourself that the world can be a happy and safe place. It doesn’t need to be anything major, it could simply be complimenting someone’s lipstick, or saying “enjoy the rest of your day!” to your cashier (and as someone who works in retail, I promise these small happy interactions make a HUGE difference to our shifts).
Laughter
It is true when they say laughter is the best medicine! Laughing with others not only increases serotonin levels, but improves our social bonds and allows us to regulate our emotions.
Affection
Sometimes a friendly chat or laughter can’t resolve your feelings. Affection with a loved or trusted one can provide a deeper connection, providing a feeling of safety that allows the stress cycle to be completed. It does not need to be a grand act of affection, a simple hug from your favorite person can do the trick. The book draws on John Gottman’s suggestion of a six-second kiss or a twenty-second hug to regulate emotions. This intentionally long act of affection reassures you that you are in a safe place with a person that you trust. You are loved, and you are safe.
Crying
This method of completing the cycle is my personal favorite. Crying can provide the emotional release needed for the stress cycle to be completed. In some situations, you may just cry because of the situation itself, such as you’ve had the worst day at work and cry as soon as you get back home. More often than not, I notice when I am experiencing tension and stress, I will intentionally watch something sad to encourage me to cry and feel a release. If I need a quick fix, a Youtube scene of the ending of Marley & Me will do the trick. When I need something greater, I will sit and watch a sad movie, providing me a chance to go through the spectrum of emotions. This is something I have always done, but did not realize that it was an act of completing the stress cycle until I read Burnout!
Creative Expression
Any creative outlet can provide a chance for the stress cycle to be completed. Whether that is playing your favorite sport, painting, or singing and dancing to your best playlist.
So How Is This Related to Sex?
Now we have gone through the science of stress and burnout, and the ways to complete the stress cycle, we can look at the role of stress in our sex lives. In her solo book Come As You Are: The Surprising New Science That Will Transform Your Sex Life, Emily teaches us even more incredibly helpful tools, one being the dual-control model. This is the mechanism in the brain that controls our sexual response. One part of this model is the accelerator—iit recognises all sex related information in your environment, on this recognition of sexually relevant stimuli, the brain flips the ‘turn on’ signal. The alternative part of the dual-control model is the brakes which attempts to provide reasons to not be aroused. Your brain perceives things as a potential threat and sends the ‘turn off’ signal. This dual process of becoming aroused is essentially hitting the accelerator and stopping pressing the brake. And you guessed it, stress and burnout hit the brakes big time.
The issue with sexual arousal, or lack of, it not because of a lack of stimulation to the accelerator, but that there is too much pressure on the brakes. Many people are not aware that they have a brake, and are therefore unaware it is being hit. The pressure applied to your unknown brakes will only result in judgment and self loathing. Emily explains in both Come As You Are and the podcast about the “negative feedback loop.” In relation to sex, the negative feedback loop works as followed:
Something interrupts your sexual response (i.e. stress or burnout)
You feel bad about this
Your brakes are hit even more
Sex becomes less desierable
The loop repeats
To further understand the negative feedback loops and feelings about sex, we need to understand the importance of context. The way your brain perceives a sensation is determined by your state of mind when that sensation comes in. Context, the way you perceive a sensation, can differ from the meaning of a certain sensation or touch. When the context is off, your brain interprets the sensation as the opposite—it is not that something is wrong with you or your brain, but that the context has changed. Emily gives the example of tickling to demonstrate the importance of context and situation: if you’ve been having a fun and relaxed day, and your partner comes behind you and starts tickling you, the tickling is perceived as something funny. Alternatively, if you’ve had a stressful day and you’re trying to finish house chores, and your partner comes behind you and starts tickling you, it’s annoying and the last thing you want them to do. In both situations, their actions are the exact same, but the context is vastly different. The challenge is then to change the context and allow your sexual response to be freer. Stress and burnout can have the same effect as bad context may have. When your mind is exhausted or in a constant state of fight-or-flight response, any touch or sexual stimuli may be percieved as a threat and hits the brakes. Whilst some people find that stress has no effect on their sexual desires, or can increase their desire for sex, many people find the complete opposite.
In the same way that context is key, so is communication. Talking with your partner(s) not only provide an opportunity for connection–which completes the stress cycle—but provides an opportunity to navigate the brakes and, in turn, work to change the context. Connection without sexuality is important to demonstrate affection and trust with one another. We can connect in ways other than through our genitals! It is crucial that there is navigation of trust, especially in the ‘lower desire’ person or the one experiencing stress and burnout. When sex feels like an expectation, the once-fun activity is added to the negative feedback loop, this increase in the pressure on the brakes will only result in less sexual desire. Emily emphasizes that “there needs to be space for them [the lower desire person] to step closer and closer without the higher desire person reacting or pushing for sex in any way.” There needs to be physical connection without the pressure that sex has to follow. “Touch and connection is crucial for healing, and there needs to be that touch without an expectation or push for sex.” Note that putting sex off the table is temporary, but a neccessary action for trust to be developed and for context to change. Kiss your partner with the intention to show them love and affection, not for sex to follow from it.
In the context of burnout and sex, there is no quick and easy fix. “The cure for burnout is not self-care. It is all of us caring for eachother” the Nagoski sisters preach. Kindness and connection is a way of breaking out of burnout. Be intentional in turning to your sexuality, as it is now, and explore it with curiosity, kindness and compassion. Where you are right now is okay! And by treating yourself with kindness, you can create the ultimate sex positive context. Emily further emphasizes that your partner should also do the same, by treating your sexuality with kindness, pressure is removed and a deeper connection can be built. Doing so can move you into a state of wellness. The sisters stress that wellness is not a state of mind but a state of action. “Wellness is the freedom to oscillate through all the cycles of being human.” Wellness is acknowledging and feeling the emotions in your body, whether that is intense anger or surprise and astonishment. Burnout offers the following advice and affirmations:
Trust your body
Be kind to yourself
You are enough, just as you are right now
Your joy matters
Whilst stress is a common experience, your newfound knowledge of the distinction between stress and stressors can allow you to navigate emotions in a healthy way. Knowing when to notice you are stressed or experiencing burnout can provide you with the ability to notice when your brakes are being hit and your perception of sex is being affected. Burnout teaches us the importance of listening to our emotions and our bodies, and in turn, to validate our emotions. Connection is the best way to build trust, and this allows the stress and burnout cycle to be complete. Surround yourself in a “bubble of love,” or a social circle filled with people you can trust, who you can show love to and they reciprocate it. Feel your feelings. You are enough.
By Stephanie McCartney