So much of what we know about sex and sexuality comes from the media we consume — and it's easy to miss important context when algorithms only show us what they think we'll engage with. Don't worry, though: I'm here to help fill in the gaps by tackling some common myths about kink.

1. “Kink, BDSM, And Fetish Are All The Same Thing!”

This might be less a "myth" and more a widespread misunderstanding, but it's worth addressing. Many people use "kink," "fetish," and "BDSM" interchangeably, when in fact each term describes something distinct within the broader landscape of alternative sexuality.

Kink refers to a sexual interest that falls outside the mainstream. It can evolve over time and isn't necessarily required for arousal. For example, someone’s kink could be cuckolding, breeding, or a million other things!

Fetish describes sexual arousal that is linked to a certain object, body part, or circumstance. Often, the fetishized object or scenario is required for arousal, whereas a kink is something someone enjoys but doesn't necessarily need in order to become aroused. So, the same thing that is a kink to someone might be a fetish to another.

BDSM stands for bondage and discipline, dominance and submission, and sadism and masochism. It covers a range of activities grounded in consent, communication, and clear boundaries, typically involving some form of role or power exchange. Someone’s kink, as something of an umbrella term, can include these dynamics too, but doesn't always! Like, for example, many people consider consensual non-consent (CNC), rope play/shibari, and temperature play to be part of BDSM and a kink.

2. “All Kink is Rooted in Trauma”

There's a prevalent opinion, especially among people who don't practice kink, that engaging in kinky behaviors means a person is mentally ill or is only doing it because of past trauma. This idea comes from long-outdated ideas about sexuality through a medical lens — specifically, judgments about what is and isn't appropriate to pathologize (BDSM/kink have historically been "pathologized as derivatives of abuse").

Many people with mental health concerns and conditions do practice kink, but that doesn't mean the two are causally related or even meaningfully associated. Some individuals report that kink functions as a healing element after experiencing trauma, though the exact nature of that relationship depends on the individual. An interesting qualitative study identified several themes related to this, including:

Cultural context of healing: Participants pointed to healing, consent, and mutual support as core values, alongside shared norms within the kink community.
Restructuring self-concept: Kink was described by participants as a way to step back into their power and rebuild positive sexual self-schemas.
Liberation through relationship: Participants experienced benefits tied to their kinky relationships, including deepened interpersonal effectiveness and the rescripting of shame.
Reclaiming power: Having the ability and autonomy to determine their own boundaries and communicate sexually was described as a direct counterpoint to the powerlessness many experienced during their original trauma.
Repurposing behaviors: Through gradual exposure and corrective experiences, many participants reported reshaping the impact of early abuse.
Redefining pain: Some individuals reported that pain play changed their perception of their early abuse.

3. Being Kinky is About Liking Pain

Kink, and also BDSM more specifically, often carries the stereotype that it's only for people who are "into" getting hurt. Physical sensation is part of it, and how central that sensation is varies from person to person, but this framing misses most of what's actually going on.

It leaves out the emotional connection that builds between partners, the trust placed in another person, and the way our brains and bodies respond to the entire experience, not just the moment of impact.

If you're interested in learning more about why people might be drawn to kink from a research perspective, I'd recommend checking out this article. It explores the topic through two lenses: proximate factors (e.g, childhood experiences, sexual conditioning, and physiological influences) and ultimate explanations (i.e. the potential adaptive advantages behind both the power-play and pain-play dimensions of BDSM).

4. "Some Activities Are Objectively Kinky"

Honestly, this myth doesn't hold up to much scrutiny. In general, any sexual practice that falls outside the "norm" can be considered kinky, but "normal" looks different from person to person. In fact, plenty of people engage in what might be labeled "non-normative" practices without ever thinking of themselves as kinky. There's no universal cutoff point here, and it's not really anyone's place to police where that line falls.

This same flawed logic shows up in other kinds of identity policing, too. "Is that kinky enough?" isn't so different from "Is that relationship Queer enough?" I would argue that the more useful question isn't whether someone clears some arbitrary threshold, it's why they feel like they need to in the first place.

5. Fantasizing about a Kink Means You Want to Do It

This one's tricky, because it's only a myth in the sense that it isn't always true. Fantasizing about a kinky activity absolutely can lead to a genuine desire to try it out. If that exploration happens within the bounds of SSC (safe, sane, consensual) and aligns with the six principles of sexual health, that's completely fine.

But the key point here is that fantasy and desire aren't the same thing.

Sexual desire is a strong wish or intention to engage in a particular sexual behavior or activity.
Sexual fantasies, on the other hand, can sometimes reflect a desire, but not always. Something can be arousing to imagine without you ever wanting to act on it in real life. Put simply, what turns people on in their imagination is not always what they want to do in real life.

I go more into the difference between desire and fantasy here.

Frequently Asked Questions About Practicing Kink

Where Can I Learn More About Kink?

This blog is by no means comprehensive. There's always more to learn, especially about a topic that's so often left out of everyday conversation. Here are a few resources worth checking out:

Kink Literature Database is a great, free resource for academic and community publications on kink/BDSM topics! More details about it can be found here.
There are also many informational (but very entertaining!) podcasts made by and featuring sexual health professionals that are accessible for a general audience and really helpful. My personal favorites are:

Sexual Health Alliance offers a Kink-Informed certification that is more tailored for aspiring and current sexual health professionals. Learn more about why being kink-informed is important here!

Am I Kinky “Enough”?

Seems made up and silly to me! Why is community membership contingent on your performance? Why aren’t you happy just engaging in sexual practices that are safe and bring you pleasure?

Honestly, this question seems a little made up. Why should belonging to a community depend on how you "perform" within it? If a sexual practice is safe, consensual, and brings you pleasure, isn't that reason enough to enjoy it? Seeking acceptance within these communities can genuinely matter to you; that’s valid! But it's worth remembering: there's no higher bar to clear than simply showing up and being authentically you.

Want to become an in-demand sexual health professional? Learn more about becoming certified with SHA!

Written by Jesse John, B.S.

Jesse is a clinical psychology doctoral student at Rowan University in New Jersey. Their research focuses on sexual decision-making, sexual violence, and relationship experiences. The author identifies as a Queer, neurodivergent, non-binary, white person, which informs the way they write and see the world!