What are Sexual Fantasies?
Sexual fantasies offer a window into human sexuality, which is exactly why they're worth understanding! Fantasizing is widely considered a normal, healthy part of sexual life, though like most things, context matters and there are circumstances where it can become complicated. Don’t worry–we’ll talk about it!
The simplest way to define a sexual fantasy comes from researchers Leitenberg & Henning (1995): "any mental imagery that is sexually arousing for the individual." These sexual mental imageries often center on common themes. Here are a few with examples:
Novelty and adventure: new partners, exotic settings, or scenarios that break from routine, like pegging or incorporating sex toys.
Taboo or forbidden: themes that feel transgressive or off-limits, like voyeurism (watching others) or exhibitionism (being watched).
Partner sharing: fantasies involving a partner being with someone else, or group experiences like threesomes or orgies.
Gender-bending: playing with gender identity, expression, or dynamics outside one's everyday experience, such as role reversal or cross-dressing.
Does Having a Sexual Fantasy Mean You Want to Act On It?
It's kind of a rectangle–square situation: sexual fantasies can also be sexual desires, but not always.
Sexual desire is a strong wish or want to engage in a particular sexual behavior or activity.
Sexual fantasies are sometimes a desire too, but something that arouses you doesn't necessarily mean you want to act on it. What turns people on in their imagination isn't always what they want to do in real life.
This is where we come back to the idea that context matters when considering sexual fantasies. A person can fantasize about paraphilic behavior and experience arousal from it without any cause for concern, as fantasy exists in a safe, private mental space. The line is crossed when that behavior moves into the real world and involves people who haven't consented to it. For more information about the importance of consent, sexual fantasies, and other related topics, check out our sexual health certification options!
How do Sexual Fantasies Vary by Gender?
It's worth noting that the majority of what we know about sexual fantasies comes from research on cisgender people, meaning individuals whose gender identity corresponds to the sex they were assigned at birth. With that context in mind, let's look at what the research actually says.
Do men and women fantasize differently? For a long time, the answer seemed obvious. Older research painted a clear picture: men fantasized more frequently and more spontaneously than women. But more recent studies complicate that narrative. Women are just as likely as men to imagine themselves as the giver of sexual pleasure or as the dominant partner, and men are just as likely to describe emotional dimensions in their fantasies. The gender gap, it turns out, may be much smaller than we once thought.
But, there’s a large, glaring gap in the existing research: where are the gender minorities?
By focusing almost exclusively on cisgender men and women, researchers have left out a significant portion of human experience. This matters beyond representation alone. Studying individuals who live outside expected gender norms can actually deepen our understanding of how cisgenderism–the assumption that cisgender identities are the default or norm–shapes sexuality more broadly. In other words, examining who has been left out of the research tells us something important about the research itself.
What Do We Know About Non-Binary Individuals’ Sexual Fantasies?
Unfortunately, not much. Research in this area is sparse at best, but what does exist is insightful!
Similarities and differences with cisgender individuals: Compared to their cisgender people, non-binary individuals are more likely to fantasize about kinky sex, forced sex, anal sex, sex toy use, and polyamorous relationships, as well as fantasies involving being someone else entirely. That said, the overarching themes of sexual fantasy remained largely consistent across groups.
Gender-affirming imagery: A qualitative study exploring differences in sexual fantasy imagery between cisgender and non-binary people found that when non-binary participants did diverge from cisgender participants, they did so in gender-affirming ways, such as describing desire for different or multiple genitals, allowing them to engage differently in sexual activity.
Object of desire: Non-binary individuals were less likely to describe themselves as the object of another's desire in their fantasies. Researchers suggest this may be linked to internalized transphobia, feeling unwilling to be scrutinized in their own imagination.
Within group differences: These findings don't generalize to all transgender people. Meaningful differences exist between binary trans individuals (transmen and transwomen) and non-binary individuals. Non-binary participants scored higher on measures related to gender fluidity and challenging the binary, and while both groups share a similar theoretical lens on gender, how they personally navigate it shapes their fantasy lives in distinct ways.
Why Does This Matter for Sexual Health Professionals?
For those working in sexual health, understanding the landscape of sexual fantasy is about more than idle interest, it has real clinical implications.
Consent and safety: Knowing the distinction between fantasy and desire is essential for consent conversations. A client disclosing a fantasy is not the same as a client expressing intent, and conflating the two can lead to misplaced concern or inappropriate intervention.
Normalization matters: Many clients feel shame or confusion about their fantasy lives, often assuming that they are “weird” or fear being judged for their sexual fantasies. Knowing how common and varied sexual fantasies are allows practitioners to meet clients with reassurance rather than judgment, which is important for maintaining a good working relationship.
Gender variation: The content and meaning of sexual fantasies may look different for clients who don't identify as cisgender. Gender identity shapes how desire is experienced and imagined, and a culturally competent practitioner will approach fantasy with that nuance in mind rather than defaulting to heteronormative or cisnormative frameworks.
Want to become an in-demand sexual health professional? Learn more about becoming certified with SHA!
Written by Jesse John, B.S.
Jesse is a clinical psychology doctoral student at Rowan University in New Jersey. Their research focuses on sexual decision-making, sexual violence, and relationship experiences. The author identifies as a Queer, neurodiverse, non-binary, white person, which informs the way they write and see the world!
