For successful and sexually healthy relationships, boundaries exist between partners and within the relationship. These boundaries, as is obvious, function in various forms and vary from person to person, couple to couple. couple. One of these One boundary many couples find themselves facing is the placement of pornography consumption by partners in the relationship. Due to the at-times controversial nature of pornography, this conversation you have with your partner on it may be awkward or difficult. Whilst some people are completely on board with watching pornography in a relationship, others are not as comfortable with this idea. Both opinions are valid in themselves, however, those who prefer not to have pornography exist in the confines of their relationship may have a difficult time expressing their feelings. A Bustle article explains that this is due to the way “we’ve somehow evolved into a society where an aversion to porn is something that makes you different and frankly, wrong.” Although watching and enjoying porn is a legitimate choice, the choice to avoid or be against pornography is equally as valid of a choice.
The ethics of watching porn outside of a relationship can be questioned, especially in terms of ‘feminist’ or ethical pornography, there are further debates that take place when porn is consumed within a relationship. “Watching and getting off to porn is a sex act. And when you’re in a relationship, one of the things you have to clearly define is what sex acts you are and aren’t comfortable with.” In a healthy sexual relationship, desires and limitations should be discussed. You may be excited by erotic asphyxiation, but if your partner isn’t, you wouldn’t and shouldn’t force them to partake in this and any act that they are uncomfortable with. Pornography is the same in the way it is a personal choice. You may not be comfortable partaking in wax play, even if your partner expresses they really enjoy it, you may feel uncomfortable with your partner using pornography as a masturbation aid. In terms of sexual boundaries, “what your partner does sexually—even when you’re not there—affects you, and affects the relationship.”
Talking about sex, in general, can be a challenging topic for couples. But these conversations are essential in order to grow trust with one another and improve your sex life. Conversations about pornography is further made more difficult due to the binaries dialogue about it falls into. Alexandra Solomon, licensed clinical psychologist states “individuals sometimes identify themselves as pro-porn or anti-porn…so it makes sense that couples get stuck here as well, pointing fingers, blaming, and shaming.” When this takes place, everyone involved could walk away feeling judged and unheard.
Other approaches to discussing pornography with your partner involve shifting your goal of the conversation from criticism to curiosity. To do this, the first step involves self-reflection. Ask yourself: why are you uncomfortable with your partner watching porn? For starters, is your stance on your partner’s pornography use shadowed by your stance on masturbation? Often we suffer from moral incongruence—a topic ethical pornography expert, Dr. David Ley, discusses often—and our aversion to pornography is cloaked in our opinion about masturbation and self-pleasure.
Although this may be uncomfortable at first, it can aid in addressing your issue rather than porn use as a proxy subject for your anger. You may feel like watching pornography is a form of cheating or is a gateway to cheating or some form of “sex addiction,” though we at SHA do not promote this term and instead use Problem Sexual Behavior. If this feels familiar to you, then it is imperative to have a discussion with a partner about what cheating means in your relationship. Take a moment to comprehend what it is about pornography that feels like cheating. Ideas of pornography and cheating can be related to the idea that being against pornography is really about being against masturbation. Feelings about pornography being cheating may instead be feelings about a moral incongruence regarding masturbation, this is closely associated with the use of pornography.
Another common fear is that your partner will find porn stars more attractive than you, or that porn stars have this sexual confidence and experience that you lack. Facing these fears can be scary and uncomfortable, but by addressing them, your partner has the opportunity to reassure you. Intimacy Moons Retreats founder Marissa Nelson quotes: "You want your partner to value you. You want your partner to fantasize about you. But it can also be true that your partner can go to and be stimulated by something else and then bring a lot of that sexual energy back to you, and the two have nothing to do with each other." As always, communication is key. Do not assume that your partner knows your stance on pornography. Instead, make an active effort to have regular conversations about your sexual boundaries and preferences.
Just as you want your partner to listen to your feelings about porn, you need to be actively listening to their reasons for wanting to watch porn. During this conversation, be conscious of the way you react and speak. Allow for a judgment-free space for your partner to discuss their viewpoints on pornography and sex acts. This conversation is not a blame game, but instead a discussion around boundaries and the relationship as a whole. Furthermore, give your partner a chance to explain their stance on pornography before jumping to any conclusions, don’t assume that your partner is fully aware of all the harms of porn or your feelings about its use. After the discussion, make sure to regularly check in on your partner. They may disclose that they have been struggling with not watching porn and you may need to have another discussion about alternatives. It might be the case of permitting pornography in your relationship but only from ethical sites. Note that whilst you are entitled to ask your partner to stop watching porn, you cannot demand it. Make sure to have regular check-ins about pornography, both with yourself and your partner. What is it that you specifically like or dislike about pornography, and how much of a deal-breaker is pornography consumption in your relationship? You have the right to advocate for your boundaries, and in some situations, it can mean ending the relationship.
Whatever you decide, the important part is actively, consistently, and honestly discussing your feelings about porn usage in your relationship. Your feelings about pornography may change over time—whilst you were okay with porn being consumed at the beginning of your relationship, you may be feeling more uneasy about it the longer you have been in the relationship. Whilst bringing up this conversation may feel daunting, it can be transformative in your relationship.
By Stephanie McCartney
Interested in learning more about this and other topics regarding couples? Join us for our upcoming workshop; Coming Together: Techniques for working with Relationships & Couples. This workshop is for therapists, counselors, coaches and educators working with monogamous couples who are experiencing relationship and intimacy related issues. A step-by-step approach on how to assess and treat couples with high-conflict or complex issues with communication, sex, and intimacy.