Having regular talks about sex with your partner is an essential way to benefit your sex life. Research has gone to prove that couple who have strong communication about their sexual needs and preferences are far more satisfied with their sex lifes. Having this regular and open communication results in a greater sensation of secure intimacy and thus a stronger relationship is created. Reasons to have this discussion include: a lack of sexual satisfaction, desire to try something new, feelings of sexual rejection and family planning.
There are no strict rules as to how to have this discussion with your partner, however Stritof, a marriage consultant and regular blogger for VeryWellMind, makes some reasonable and useful suggestions in a VeryWellMind post. Although there are no defined rules, it is important to know that there is a correct time and place to discuss sex with your partner. Before having the talk in itself, let your partner know (without placing blame) that you would like to have a discussion about your sexual intimacy, then go on to set a time to have a talk. It is essential not to place the blame on your partner as they may be less receptive to hearing your thoughts and troubles when you have the talk. Aim to pick a neutral location to have this discussion—try not to have this discussion in the bedroom or at bedtime but in a safe place you don’t associate with sex.
In terms of how to talk about sex, Stritof gives guidance of steps you can take in order to make the conversation easier for all partners:
Start the conversation in a soft manner, explain that the goal of this conversation is to feel closer and more connected. Do not place blame or bring up criticisms. This conversation is about things you can both do to make your sex life more fulfilling.
Remember that affection and intimacy are just as important as the frequency of sex. There are multiple ways that you can build intimacy and feel more connected beyond intercourse. Intimacy is not always just physical such as kissing and giving massages, emotional intimacy is just as important to form a strong relationship—be affirming and caring with your partner, show interest in each other's feelings.
Talk about what you both might enjoy and fantasies you might have, additionally this is an opportunity to talk about things you don’t enjoy during sex. Something me and my partner do regularly which has worked well for us is to create a Yes/ No/Maybe list on things we either do or don’t like, or would like to try during sex separately, and then come together to discuss it. We listen and respect what is on our no list—this is a hard limit which should not ever be broken. For those on the yes and maybe list, we discuss how it would work, why we want to try it and do research behind it if necessary. Doing this regularly has secured our relationship and strengthened our intimacy as well as the trust between each other.
Similar to above, use this talk as an opportunity to express yourself—your fears, desires and concerns. Talking about your feelings is also a way to improve your emotional intimacy with one another.
As mentioned in my own example, this discussion isn’t simply a one time thing. Realize that you may need to have several conversations rather than one long conversation.
Stritoff finishes the piece of by discussing the different types of sexual styles. By working this out, it can help you to understand what form of intimacy you find the most satisfying:
Spiritual - union of mind, body and soul
Funny - being able laugh and tease one another in bed
Angry - having sex even when you’re annoyed at one another - make sure the problems are talked about and resolved however
Lusty - simply about the joy of having sex just for the sake of sex
Tender - gentle, romantic and healing that involved light touches. You are both into the sensations of sex and focus on giving each other pleasure
Fantasy - a collaboration between partners which allows scope for experimenting. For this guidelines and limits need to be set.
Having a talk between you and your partner about your sexual styles may be a way to ease into the discussion of sex and intimacy. Alternatively the ‘love language quiz’ can be a way to both ease in and discover what your main love language is (the way you most prefer to be shown love and intimacy). My personal love language is words of affirmation, there is nothing I love more than someone telling me that they are proud of me, or telling me they enjoy spending time with me. My partner’s love language is quality time so when we spend time together I stay focused on us—not being distracted by my phone or anything else. Discovering this allowed the opportunity to discuss how we can translate our love language into sex, for me it was incorporating praise into it and for him it was having eye contact and a tender sexual style.
Remember that the hardest step will be initiating the conversation, no one likes conflict but it is essential to discuss things that are bothering you in the relationship, even if it is a bit awkward.
By Stephanie McCartney