Fingering. Dry-humping. Oral-sex. Showering. Nipple play. All of these activities are usually considered foreplay in our society. How many times have we heard the argument that engaging in foreplay is essential to improving the experience of having sex? Foreplay usually has the reputation of being associated with patience, creativity, less pain, and a less penetrative or genital-focused experience. But what is really behind the word “foreplay” and what do we associate with the act of foreplay?
When separating some sexual acts as foreplay and others as the “main event,” we are giving more importance and value to penetration and potentially diminishing other practices as “not really sex.” Perhaps by changing how we perceive and experience foreplay, we can find sensuality, presence, pleasure and romance in ordinary activities that we too often downplay or ignore.
Etymological issues
The term “foreplay” carries with it a significant weight of cultural and societal connotations, as evidenced by its structure: “fore-play,” where the prefix “fore” gives it a preliminary characteristic, as if it's not quite real sex yet. Furthermore, the term “play” introduces an element of playfulness, almost as if to lessen the value of the interaction. This game-like sense takes away value from the act and downplays the seriousness of the interaction.
This linguistic nuance is the result of centuries of linking sexuality to heterosexual intercourse, and thus perpetuating certain expectations and dynamics within our society.
It’s no news to anyone that we can unconsciously propagate heteronormative and/or phallocentric ideologies about sex both to ourselves and to people around us. In the case of foreplay, this devaluing of a non-sex perspective can reinforce a penetrative centric view of sexuality. In other words, if there is no penetration (penis-vagina or penis-anus), the act of sex is not really taking place. And this can lead to all sorts of issues, like the attitude that so many people have that non-penetrative stuff is just a “warm-up” and we could fast-track or skip them to get to the “point.” This can also lead to sexual dissatisfaction for those who need more time and stimulation than others, and for sure has a role to play on the orgasm gap. There’s so much more to sex than just that one point on the map, and we might be missing out on a whole lot of pleasure and connection if we continue to assume that sex is just penetration.
Words and language aren’t just empty vessels for expression: they come loaded with a ton of baggage. Put simply: they are not a neutral medium of communication. When we speak, we’re carrying along beliefs, ideas, stereotypes, and more. And it's remarkable how words shape our thoughts, behaviors and relationships without us even noticing. Now don’t get me wrong, this isn’t about passing judgment—it’s actually pretty exciting how we can shape our minds just from the way we speak. And here’s the cool part: we have the power to redefine words, and in turn, reshape the way we think and experience our lives—and of course, sex.
So if the term “foreplay” just doesn’t quite capture the rich tapestry of sexual experience for you, maybe consider embracing the term “outercourse.” This concept encourages us to break free from the tunnel vision of penetrative sex and explore a broader spectrum of pleasures by promoting a perspective on sex that isn't focused on intercourse.
So should we Just stop saying “foreplay”?
When we contemplate what really comes before sex, there’s a whole pre-game show that often gets overlooked. I’m talking about moments that actually come before bodies even touch. Those little gestures and actions might seem insignificant, part of the routine, like brushing our teeth in the morning. But let’s not ignore them, because consciously recognizing these moments, behaviors, or events as sensual or romantic, can bring a more active presence and attention to sex. Recognizing these sexy preludes can light a fire on our sex lives in the sense that we are more aware from the very beginning. And it doesn’t matter whether it’s your long-time lover or someone you just swiped right on just hours ago—every sexual encounter has actions that lead up to it. Let’s enjoy them more.
It’s a whole mood that you’re setting, like lighting some candles and putting on some tunes, but it’s through your senses. You start saviouring these moments and give them the attention they deserve. And whether they can lead to sex or not, there is absolutely no harm in focusing on what is going on in the present moment. This conscious observation was something that I had seen on social media and my therapist had also shared the knowledge, but it hadn’t really clicked until I started paying attention to all of those sparks of sensuality that peek out of a window, wondering if you’ll see them or not.
I’m talking about stuff as simple as a compliment that makes you feel nice. Or cooking a meal together. Locking eyes with someone else in the middle of a crowded dance floor. Sending a sexy text to someone saying you want them. So let’s not rush to the bedroom. Let’s take time to savor these preludes, using our senses and embracing the reality that sensuality can be found on so many occasions. Maybe foreplay is what actually comes before sex, but not in the limited way we’re used to thinking it is.
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Written by Natalia Lozano Casique.
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