Time and time again, the sex education system has failed us. Schools throw around the word “sex” but only ever seem to use it in the context of penetrative, as in penis-in-vagina sex. This then can lead to the false assumption that the only thing that counts as sex is penetration, this is absolutely not true at all. Sex is truly what you define it to be, some may still choose to decide that penetrative sex is their personal definition, and that is okay! Others may find “outercourse,” more appropriate for their boundaries. There is additionally the concept of “‘othercourse’” which briefly speaking, refers to “creative play that is not limited to, or focused on intercourse.” Othercourse also makes it clear that an orgasm is not the end goal, which works well in relieving performance pressure whilst allowing the opportunity to explore your and your partners’ bodies. Sex can therefore be seen as an umbrella term, my definition of sex may be different from yours— every view is valid!
I will be honest and say that it has taken me a long time to learn how to redefine sex. For 19 years I was under the belief that the only thing that could count as sex for me (a heterosexual female) was penetrative penis-in-vagina. The typical university experience didn’t do me any additional favors. Games of Never Have I Ever in Freshers week (the first week of starting university here in the UK!) quickly turned into sexual inquiries and listening to embarrassing sex stories of these 11 strangers immediately led me to question why I hadn’t had sex, concluding that there was something was wrong with me. There was and is nothing wrong with me, but discussion and representation of sex in the media only seemed to show penetrative sex and didn’t even do a good job of realistically depicting that. Growing up in a generation surrounded by social media and technology, it is no wonder I feel the trap of having a narrow understanding of sex.
I have never had penetrative sex. It is something I am not comfortable doing and know will take time to become comfortable with. For years I was too harsh on myself about this, feeling down that I was a 20-year-old “virgin” who couldn’t have sex. It was my discovery of “outercourse” which I can say truly changed my life and my perspective of sex. Good Vibrations sexologist Carol Queen explains how the term outercourse was developed in the 1980s when “safer sex” became a popular concept. According to Queen, the purpose was “to help people differentiate between intercourse and all the sexy things that can be enjoyed without penetration.” Outercourse is different for every person, some may hold that outercourse is everything but penis in vagina, and others exclude penetration of any kind, including the use of fingers or sex toys. I personally fall into the second category! When discussing the difference between outercourse and foreplay, Queen breaks it down into a simple explanation. Using the term foreplay poses issues because it implies that you are doing something before the “main event,” but by calling a sexual act outercourse, it implies sexual action starts and ends as outercourse. Queen emphasizes that “Penetration is an option, not the definition of sex,” something I think should be taught everywhere.
There are tonnes of options for outercourse, and since the definition of it varies, the activities that count as outercourse all depend on who’s practicing it. Janet Brito helps Healthline build a list of ideas:
Kissing
Massage
Dry humping (it isn’t just for teenagers)
Mutual masturbation
Sex toys
Manual stimulation
Oral sex
Anal sex
The last three can be down to your own definition, in my personal situation I am happy with manual stimulation and oral sex, but anal sex is not something I am comfortable with.
There are a great many benefits that outercourse brings. Outercourse is a great way to take the pressure off penetrative sex, especially in the way mainstream media leads us to believe that penetrative sex is the best source of pleasure (news flash: it isn’t). Engaging in outercourse can help you to learn that you can have sexual pleasure, including orgasms, that don’t have anything to do with penetrative sex. There is also a lower pregnancy risk with outercourse, however, it does not eliminate the risk of pregnancy completely. Outercourse further provides the opportunity to learn what you like! When penetration is no longer an option, people may be left wondering what else they can do to receive pleasure. The absence of penetration in my sex life definitely helped me to learn that I love nipple stimulation!
Outercourse still does run risks of STIs, especially if you are partaking in oral sex, anal sex, or sharing sex toys. Anytime your outercourse includes genital contact or the transmission of sexual fluids, there is a risk of STIs. Make sure to talk regularly to those you are sexually active with about the last time they were tested. For ideas and guidance on how to do this, feel free to check out my lasted Nymphomedia post! To make outercourse safer, you need to fit the protection to the act. For example, a condom will be effective in preventing pregnancy or STIs if used whilst thrusting between your partner’s butt cheeks.
Safety also includes the all-important consent and negotiation, making sure your partner is aware of what you are and aren’t comfortable with, and vise-versa. Be open and honest about your expectations and boundaries. Try creating a list or diagram of places you are and aren’t comfortable with being touched, additionally use this as a time to work out activities that you are or are not secure with.
There is no set way to incorporate outercourse into your sex life. Queen suggests that the next time you are building up to penetrative sex, take your time. Don’t dive straight into penetration or even genital stimulation. Instead, take time to talk about your fantasies or give each other tantric massages. Sexologist Shamyra Howard, author of Use Your Mouth, suggests that for the best outercourse you should try edging: “During mutual masturbation, attempt to bring each other to orgasm but stop right before orgasm occurs. Repeat this at least three times for an intense, mind-blowing climax.” Reframing your general discussion of sex with your partner can make a dramatic change to the way you view sex. I don’t ask my partner “do you want to have outercourse?” but instead, “do you want to have sex?” or anything along those lines. If you feel outercourse is your definition of sex, this is definitely something I recommend trying out!
Whatever your reason is for not wanting to participate in penetrative sex, even if this is to simply protect yourself against pregnancy, outercourse can be a great choice. For those who do engage with penetrative intercourse, trying some outercourse can be a fun way to mix up your sex life!
By Stephanie McCartney