Compulsory sexuality assumes that all adults are sexually active and stigmatizes those who are sexually inexperienced or do not experience sexual attraction. As you cannot tell if someone has had sex just by looking at them, those who are seen as “virgins” can feel alone in their experience and internalize the associated shame and stigma.
Within the framework of compulsory sexuality, the social construct of virginity describes a virgin as someone who has not had penis-in-vagina (PIV) intercourse—a framework which is not inclusive of non-heterosexual sexual orientations and non-penetrative sex acts. The assumption that all adults are having sex can have harmful psychological effects, especially for asexual people who do not experience sexual attraction. However, compulsory sexuality can also be dangerous for young adults, specifically adult virgin men, who self-identify as involuntary celibates.
Understanding Incels
Involuntary celibates—incels for short—are self-identified virgins who do experience sexual attraction but have not had any sexual experience, often leading to feelings of shame. With the typical age of becoming sexually active being between 16 to 19 for most young people, involuntary celibacy suggests adult virgins are “off-time” compared to their peers, contributing to the perception that if a man is not having sex, then he is incomplete or lacking in some way.
It is important to note that while both populations are affected by compulsory sexuality, that is where the comparison between incels and asexual people ends and further conflation of the two groups is dangerous to the asexual community.
The term incel was originally coined by a lesbian woman named Alana in the 1990s who wanted to create a community for lonely people of all genders and sexual orientations who were experiencing issues with making romantic and sexual connections. The then-feminist and inclusive space was later claimed by a community made up largely of heterosexual men.
Compulsory sexuality contributes to the alienation experienced by young men and may lead them to search the internet for a community that understands their pain. There are many incel websites and forums online that would come up under many of the same keywords sexually inexperienced people may search for. Many of these sites hold the dangerous belief that it is a woman’s birthright to provide sex to men and that they deserve to be punished if they do not uphold this.
According to Speckhard and colleagues, many incels who contribute to these forums are considered non-violent. Numerous infamous cases of extreme violence, however, have sparked from the anger and hatred present on these sites. They also note that incel ideology is considered a form of “violent extremism” and that these websites can be a source of radicalization of young men. Self-identified incels have appeared in the news many times for committing acts of violence due to “deep-rooted loathing of women, fuelled by intense frustration” over their lack of sexual experience.
As mentioned by Kelly and Aunspach, incels seem to place the blame for the feelings of inadequacy they experience on everything except compulsory sexuality. By failing to realize that this construct is causing them harm, they instead direct their anger towards women who reject them, and towards men who have the social and physical characteristics they feel they lack.
There is widespread information online targeted towards men who feel vulnerable. One study found that starting from a non-incel related video on YouTube, a viewer has a 20% chance of stumbling on a video with misogynistic alt-right views just from clicking through recommended videos on the site. This shows just how easily accessible misogynistic content is for young men.
The Dangers of Toxic Masculinity and Compulsory Sexuality
While the original understanding of involuntary celibacy included the views of adult virgin women, this is a population that does not first come to mind with the term incel. Adult women do not experience as much pressure to lose their virginity as men do, largely due to gendered differences in beliefs about virginity. There are sexual double standards that present virginity to women as a virtue, whereas it is seen as a negative trait in men. Due to this double standard, virginity loss for men is more likely to be seen as an accomplishment—and lack of sexual experience is associated with embarrassment and stigma.
Even with the increasing awareness of asexuality, compulsory sexuality still perpetuates the idea that virginity in adulthood is outside of the norm. As mentioned above, the invisibility of virginity contributes to adults feeling as though everyone but them is having sex, when this is not the case. The shame that adult virgins experience can lead them to incel spaces online, encouraging blame towards women for their lack of sex.
Conversations that challenge toxic masculinity and aim to deconstruct the idea of compulsory sexuality are necessary to diversify the messages young people are receiving about sex. As compulsory sexuality also affects the stories we consume, it is important to have representation of adults who do not have sex or experience sexual attraction to remove the stigma. Current media portrayals of virginity in adult men are usually surrounded by the narrative that it is something shameful that needs to be lost as soon as possible, with the virgin character often mocked for their sexual inexperience. This fuels negative thoughts and discomfort experienced by young people who see themselves in these characters.
Compulsory sexuality harms many people by assuming that all adults are sexually active—or even want to be. It is important to reflect on how compulsory sexuality affects how we perceive others and who we may be hurting by assuming they are, or should be, sexually active. There is no right time or age to have experienced sex, and believing so only adds to the stigmatization and loneliness adult virgins face.
Written by Erin Ireland.
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