There is no golden rule to follow for a guaranteed “healthy relationship.” My needs in a relationship may be totally different from yours, and that is absolutely okay. There are, however, certain elements that are essential to a healthy and happy relationship that I will go on to discuss. I will mention that by no means am I a relationship therapist, but I can give you the rundown of several different sites and aim to give an overall explanation. Ultimately, studies and sites acknowledge that only you know what is best for you in a relationship, you know your boundaries and needs and should understand that it is important that they are met and respected. For a further guide on healthy relationships, check out Shelby’s piece on the six sexual health principles in which she explains what the principles are and why they are important in encouraging positive sexual health and a strong relationship.
1: Communication
You’ve heard it time and time again, communication is key. As cheesy (and repetitive) as it can be, communication remains the best way to make everyone in the relationship feel heard, seen, and respected. Regular communication is the primary way to build trust, to allow your partner(s) to feel like they have a safe space with you, this includes feeling that they can discuss personal matters or worries about the relationship without being met by anger and judgment. Healthline additionally mentions the importance of communication in nonmonogamous relationships. People in these relationships may need and value emotional check-ins and general regular communication about what is happening with other partners.
2: Trust
Alongside communication comes trust. Not only does trust include believing they won’t cheat or lie, but that you feel safe and comfortable around them. It can be incredibly difficult to learn to trust after past negative relationships, but with communication, boundaries, and help, you can learn to heal and trust again. Healthline emphasizes that “Building trust requires mutual self-disclosure by sharing things about yourself.” If you notice yourself feeling you have to hide things from your partner, you may need to re-evaluate how much you trust them, and if you truly feel comfortable telling them anything.
3: Time together & time apart
Whilst quality time together is a must, a healthy relationship allows you to sense yourself as a separate person, or essentially have time apart. “Interdependence means you rely on each other for mutual support but still maintain your identity as a unique individual.” Taking time apart with friends or spending time pursuing your own interests is not only generally healthy and fun, but gives you more to discuss with your partner when reunited with them. As a current student living with six other girls, all of whom are in relationships, we’ve decided a way to ensure we all practice this is by dedicating Thursday evenings to ‘girls night’. Though this mostly consists of cooking a large batch of vegan fajitas, followed by watching Come Dine With Me or Derry Girls, it gives us dedicated time with our friends away from our partners. Take a moment to think if there are any hobbies you have always wanted to take up! Whether that is learning to crochet or attempt synchronized swimming, there are heaps of online resources and groups you can attend!
4: Honesty & Self-Understanding
Openness and honesty is another key feature shared amongst these pages. Many of these also highlight the importance of self-disclosure which “refers to what you are willing to share about yourself with another person.” At the beginning of the relationship you may find yourself holding back and being cautious about what you are willing to reveal—this is totally normal! What is not healthy, however, is feeling like you still can’t reveal more of yourself as the relationship grows. Note that you don’t need to share every intricate thing with your partner, especially considering that each individual needs their own privacy and space. It is important that each partner feels comfortable sharing their emotions if they choose to do so. Because your partner may have different needs than you, it is important to communicate and find ways to compromise whilst still maintaining your own boundaries. There is absolutely nothing wrong with setting boundaries; they are not about secrecy but instead establishing that each person has and is allowed to have their own needs and expectations.
5: Use of physical touch
Physical intimacy can be a difficult and uncomfortable topic to discuss in your relationship, but these conversations are paramount to relationship health. Although intimacy most often refers to sex, it is not always the case. Not everyone enjoys or wants sex, and that is completely okay! Your relationship is still able to be happy and healthy without it, just as long as you have communicated about the needs that need to be met. “Whatever type of intimacy you share, physically connecting and bonding is important.” You should feel like you can comfortably discuss desires and talk about sex in general. Additionally, there should be no pressure from your partner(s) when sex or a specific sex act has been refused. There is no “‘right”’ amount of affection or intimacy; the way to judge this in your own relationship is not by comparing yourselves to others but making sure all partners involved are content with the level of affection.
As well as green flags, there are several red flags or warning signs that your relationship may not be healthy. Though not every relationship is healthy 100% of the time, if the behaviour is repetitive or they show no willingness to change, you may want to rethink the relationship with them. VeryWellMind gives a basic list of signs of problems, this includes: having your needs neglected, being pressured, lack of privacy, unequal control over shared resources, being afraid to share your opinions or thoughts, and physical violence. Remember that you only deserve the best, no one deserves to be in a relationship where they are treated with kindness and love that everyone needs. Equally, remember that you cannot force someone to change their behaviour unless they are willing. If after informing your partner that your needs are not being met, and they refuse to change, this could be another sign that the relationship is neither healthy nor beneficial to you.
If you and your partner(s) are still unsure about how healthy your relationship is, take some time away to answer these questions yourself, and then discuss your answers together;
Do you have trust in one another?
Do you respect each other?
Do you support each other’s interests and efforts?
Are you honest and open with each other?
Are you able to maintain your individual identity?
Do you feel and express fondness and affection?
Is there equality and fairness in your relationship?
Healthy relationships are ultimately an umbrella term, all relationships and needs are different. But as seen above, there are minimum expectations and fundamental needs that must be met for the relationship to flourish.
By Stephanie McCartney