Discussing STDs can feel awkward to bring up, but it is crucial for you and your partner(s) to stay safe. Knowing that you and those you are in sexual contact with are healthy can further help to put your mind at risk, allowing you to enjoy sex more. We know it can be hard talking to your partner about getting or the results of an STD test so below is a guide to handle this delicate conversation.
The best time to discuss an STD test is before having any form of sex–even oral sex! – as STDs can be transmitted through any unprotected sex. When it comes time to have this conversation, talk with your partner about this in a place you both feel safe and comfortable. In a bed, right before having sex or outside in a public place is not an ideal spot, and talking at these times not only may make your partner feel uncomfortable, but push more pressure on them. Instead find a place that you both feel comfortable in, whether this means one of your gardens or even the staircase, this will make the conversation far easier. Planned Parenthood reiterates the importance of timing and placement. Pick a time where you won’t be distracted or interrupted, and choose a place that is private and relaxed. You may also find it easier to rehearse what you want to say beforehand, this can be done simply out loud or to someone you trust. Remind yourself and those that you are asking to be tested that it is not about cheating or a lack of trust in the relationship. It is possible to have an STD for years and not know about it due to lack of symptoms.
Planned Parenthood gives the following ways to start the conversation:
“I care about you and think this is important, how do you feel about getting tested for STDs together?”
“I got tested last month and I didn’t have anything. Have you ever been tested? I want us to make sure we are taking care of each other.”
One way to boost trust and intimacy is to get tested with your partner; this way you can ensure both of you are supported whilst also avoiding blame. If your partner outright refuses to get tested and sparks arguments from this, you may want to rethink the relationship. Though they may be surprised by you asking for them to be tested, someone who cares about you and the relationship should be willing to be tested. Planned Parenthood cites that “Someone who won’t help you to stay healthy may not be the best person to have a relationship with.”
How Do I Talk To My Partner About My Test Results?
Telling the person you are sexually active with that you have an STD with is difficult. But as you’ve read above, it is always the right thing to do. It is equally important to tell your past partners so they can be tested too. Know that you are not the only person dealing with an STD and millions of people have STDs, and plenty of them are in a relationship.” Having an STD in its simplest form is just a health issue, it does not change anything about who you are as a person.
There are additionally lots of myths about STDs, my personal favorite being the claim that you can catch an STD from a toilet seat (note that is completely BS). Before talking to your partner you may want to read up on the facts to prepare for any questions your partner may have. Alternatively, you may find it easier to research together and discuss what you have discovered.
Should you feel unsafe telling your partner(s) or ex-partners about your STD, you have many options to get the information out while maintaining your security. One example of this is SAFE —an organization that provides safe accommodation for women and children fleeing domestic violence and abuse. There is also the National Domestic Violence Hotline Website that can provide further help. There are even ways to anonymously notify your partners about STDs in a safe and secure way, either through text message or email.
And if your partner(s) tells you of their positive test? Try not to play the blame game when you talk to your partner. Just because you or someone else tests positive during your relationship, it does not necessarily mean that someone has cheated. As previously mentioned, it can take a while for STDs to show up on a test and many don’t display symptoms! It is normal to be worried about how your partner may react, as there is no way of guaranteeing their reaction, but explain to them your plan to stay healthy and seek treatment. They might just need a little time and space to process the news—this is totally normal. Take a deep breath, and know that everything will be okay.
By Stephanie McCartney