“To deny autistic people the opportunity to embrace our sexuality is to deny us part of the human experience” - Amy Gravino
Sexual expression and education have too often been taught in an inaccessible way for autistic and other neurodivergent people. If we do receive education, it is often designed for allistic minds, making it difficult for many neurodivergent people to truly understand safe sex and relationships. Neurodivergent people still experience and engage in masturbation, penetrative sex, oral sex, use of pornography, fantasies, and kink equally! Research further shows that they “actually assert and fulfill their gender and sexual orientations more, children with autism are 7 times more likely to be gender variant than neurotypical kids.” Additionally, “sexuality also appears to be more varied among people with autism than among those who do not have the condition. Only 30 percent of autistic people in a 2018 study identified as heterosexual, compared with 70 percent of neurotypical participants.” Yet despite all of this, sex education is still not comprehensive and works in an inaccessible and restrictive manner. With Autistic Pride Day being on June 18th, this is a key time to delve into understanding neurodiversity and sex.
Stigma and stereotypes still surround the autistic community, with the expectation for them to act more ‘neurotypical’ if they want to engage in sex and relationships. Yet by suppressing these autistic traits and “masking” to appear neurotypical, they often find themselves exhausted and unable to engage socially with others. Dr. Lindsey Doe, doctor of human sexuality and clinical sexologist elaborates on this with the example of eye contact. For neurotypical people, eye contact can be used as a flirtation device, but for autistic people eye contact can be both painful and distracting, confusing your thoughts and leading you to be unable to focus—purely because you are trying to “mask” and maintain eye contact. The same result can be seen when repressing stimming (self stimulation such as finger flicking, humming and rocking). For autistic individuals, stimming can be soothing and relaxing. But due to the way it’s perceived as not being socially acceptable, these stimming behaviors often have to be suppressed. These are just a few of the ways that autistic people are expected to sacrifice their own needs to satisfy the demands of others.
At the recent Sexual Health Alliance conference, Kink For Helping Professionals, we were joined by the wonderful John Pendal who gave us a talk on kink and neurodiversity. Kink spaces often provide a chance to communicate without speaking, and at times where speech is required, it is done in a direct and honest manner. Negotiation is essential when it comes to kinky play, and for neurodiverse folks, providing a chance to be specific about what they do or do not like. Elisabeth A. Sheff, PhD and Sexual Health Alliance instructor further explains that negotiation in BDSM means “people can establish very clear expectations that do not require intuiting underlying meanings or intentions.”
Autistic people can be more sensitive to certain touches, sounds, and smells; during the negotiation stage, all of this can be discussed and alternatives can be put in place. You may find that a specific non-sticky and non-smelly lubricant needs to be used to avoid sensory overload. Some may choose to engage in sensory deprivation play, allowing a pleasurable experience whilst avoiding over-stimulation. John Pendal made sure to emphasize that during the negotiation stage there is plenty of time for thinking and processing, as well as having discussions about what communication methods work best for all involved.
The Organization for Autism Research has published a guide on Sex Ed for Self-Advocates, a sexuality and sex education resource written specifically for autistic people age 15 and up. The document contains nine modules, with each module being broken down into 10-15 smaller sections. There is also the chance to answer questions to see if you understand the most crucial concepts from each module. Available modules include:
Public Versus Private
Puberty and the Body
Healthy Relationships
All About Consent
Dating 101
Sexual Orientation and Gender Identity
Am I Ready?
Sexual Activity
Online Relationships and Safety
The Organization for Autism Research places emphasis on the fact that everyone has certain things they need to be able to enjoy sex. Needs that are related to your autism are no different and deserve to be respected.
Leslie A. Sickels, a neurodiverse couples therapist, addresses that in therapy other challenges such as communication must be addressed and overcome first before addressing intimacy and sex:
“Without a firm understanding of how neurodevelopmental differences are coming up in a partnership, couples can sometimes believe their partners do not have the best intentions for them or the relationship. In neurodiverse couples therapy, this requires psychoeducation about autism and helping couples re-contextualize their relationship through this valuable lens. Once a couple is able to see how the differences in brain wiring are impacting their relationship, they can begin to re-establish trust.”
Trust is an essential and fundamental element of a healthy relationship. For autistic and other neurodivergent people, trust is even more essential in the way that discussing or engaging in sexual acts requires a large amount of emotional vulnerability. In neurodiverse couples therapy, “the therapist should facilitate conversations about each partner's needs, desires, and quota for both sex and intimacy.” Within these conversations context may need to be given in order to clarify experiences and the specifics:
“This does not mean one partner identifying a need and the other one complying. Rather, it is an exploration of why someone needs a particular thing to feel fulfilled and satisfied based on neurological differences. Then, how their experiences of intimacy and sexual contact may improve with different understanding, tools, and strategies.”
Explaining context around sex and intimacy is essential for autistic and other neurodivergent people, both within a relationship and during sex education classes. This is something that is often not understood, acknowledged and practiced. In order to provide inclusive and accessible education, we need to place an emphasis on making sure sex and relationship education provides context. There is still so much work and research that needs to be done in order to change the general mindset from a compulsory neurotypical mindset around sex and relationships, to one that is genuinely inclusive to all. Researching and taking our time to learn about autistic and other neurodivergent individuals is the first step to taking accountability for our biases and ignorance, and head towards an all-embracing world.
Written by Steph McCartney.