Highlights From SHA's Conference Weekend: Kink For Helping Professionals

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Nothing starts the new year better than a kinky conference, and that’s exactly what took place this weekend. Hosted by the wonderful Midori, the supernova of kink, we covered a wide range of topics—ranging from negotiation and kink, to kink and neurodiversity. 

Day ONE: February 4th

The day started with Midori providing us with an excerpt from her presentation “Best Kinky Advice Nobody Told You,” in this, we went over common terms in the kink community such as sadist, bottom, fetishist, and dominant, questioning our own definitions and beliefs on them. Here we faced the nuance of kinky language and the importance of context and specific terminology. We were provided with a wealth of information through the useful analogies Midori gave to us, as well as learning the importance of speaking in verbs rather than nouns—instead of stating “I am a dominant” it should be “I want to dominate you tonight” which allows someone to separate their sexual appetite from their identity. 

Lee Harrington, a spiritual and erotic authenticity educator gave us a fantastic presentation on kink and spirituality. Here we learned about diverse desires and the way that kink can create an altered sense of consciousness, where spiritual experiences tend to take place. Lee further explained to us the eightfold paths to altered states of consciousness and the way kink acts as a sacred path. In terms of helping clients, Lee emphasizes the importance of finding out their “why,” you don’t have to know the nuances of their spirituality, religion, faith, or kink, but you can hold a space for them to talk this through. 

Dr. Ruth Neustifter, an advocate for pleasure and intimacy, followed on, giving us an in-depth conversation about kink and trauma. Here we faced the question of how we can assess for and discuss trauma, harm, and abuse without stigmatizing kink. Whilst we recognize sex and kink as a potential source of health and healing, we also have to recognize that not all kink is healthy, nor are all motivations to engage in kink for a healthy reason. Ruthie provided us with examples of how to bring up safe kinky practices without the added sensation of judgment or shame — “I hear that there is something about power play that is really attractive to you and gets you turned on. That makes a lot of good sense to me! Is it okay if we talk about how you figure out if a date or hook-up respects you at your core vs. if they actually believe that hot dirty talk even outside the bedroom?” Ruthie further stated that it is critical that you can be direct to a health professional about the activity you are doing if things were to go wrong, if not, you cannot carry out the activity with someone else. 

Day One ended with a networking opportunity between those watching the conference, and Midori went over the difference between scenes and relationships, and the microcycle of consent (transmit, comprehend, decide, act). 

DAY Two: February 5th

Midori opened up our second day with discussions around negotiation and the way that we need to view play as collaborative, meaning everyone has responsibility. We discussed the way that negotiation and BDSM flagging has changed throughout the years, noting that flagging acts as a conversation opener but in no way is a commitment. 

John Pendal, winner of the 2003 International Mr. Leather, joined us all the way from London to give us a talk about kink and neurodiversity. We opened with the importance of language, noting that we should put autism first rather than a person with autism — they can’t be without autism. John then explained the spoon theory to us, explaining the invisible cost in social interactions and how interactions can be more draining (or take up more spoons) for neurodivergent people. John then went on to explain how kink spaces provide a way to communicate without speaking, and when speech is required, everyone gets their say in these direct and honest conversations. Negotiation means touch can be specified in a way that typically isn’t seen in “vanilla sex” and can be incredibly useful for neurodivergent people more sensitive to certain touches, sensory regulation seen in kink is also useful. John ended by explaining the 5 stages of a BDSM scene: 

1. Negotiation 

2. Warm-up 

3. The scene itself 

4. Aftercare 

5. Checking in later 

In the negotiation stage, it is essential that neurodivergent people are given plenty of thinking/processing time, and are provided with alternative communication methods that work best for them. 

Sunny Megatron, BDSM, and certified sexuality educator gave us a fab presentation on media literacy and marketing to kinky folx. Here we went over navigating the complexity of the internet and algorithms. Sunny reinforced that the media isn’t a universal/neutral representation of reality, but something constructed by values, beliefs, experiences, and biases of its creators, causing a representation problem. Kinky education in popular media often has misleading or incorrect information that is spread from seemingly reputable sources. With all this misinformation, unlearning is just as important as learning. We then discussed just how much the algorithm and censorship suck, terms of service on sites are purposely vague and changed typically retroactively. Algorithm speak is further always changing and often results in marginalized creators being targeted and removed by AI and humans. 

We ended with a Q&A session with Midori and Sunny, with the vast majority of us just being grateful to have been given this opportunity to be provided with such a wide range of knowledge. 

Written by Stephanie McCartney.