Just when you thought the discussion of sex was taboo enough, I welcome you to the act of degrading during sex. A quick google search summarizes a “degradation kink” as being the “consensual practice of using derogatory names and phrases to humiliate and degrade your partner during sex.” Degradation can fall under the sadism/masochism umbrella and can often be seen in a dominant/submissive relationship, however, note that degradation can take place outside of this dynamic. On the complete opposite side of the spectrum is the act of praise during sex, as the name suggests it is based on words of affirmation, and positive reinforcement. So why do some people enjoy these? Is it possible to find pleasure in both elements? And how can you incorporate this into your sex life?
Degradation
I was honestly surprised about the lack of information available about the psychology of degradation, especially for a kink that is becoming increasingly more discussed. The primary understanding that came up in multiple articles was the element of taboo that makes degradation appealing to others. A dating article on Elite Daily explains that “taboos are interesting because they simultaneously limit us and empower us. They dictate what’s acceptable, but they also create the thrill that comes with engaging in forbidden things by defining what, exactly, is forbidden.” In terms of degrading, it is something we are supposed to despise, not seek arousal from. We know that it is ‘wrong’ to become aroused from being told we are ‘worthless’, or enjoying being called a ‘fucktoy’--- it is this pleasure in wrongness and humiliation, an engagement with the taboo, that can increase sensations of arousal and pleasure. The thing that changes degrading from an act of bullying to a source of pleasure is context and consent. Sex and real life are not the same. The difference between what you are comfortable with in the bedroom versus in a real life or public scenario entirely depends on consent and the element of choice. Whilst you have consented to be called a whore in the bedroom, being called that by a random guy in a car is completely different—the consent and context are not there. Sexual objectification and degradation are not okay at all in real life, but they can be okay in the bedroom.
The understanding that consent is key to incorporating degrading should not be taken lightly. In order for everyone involved to feel safe and find pleasure from degradation, there needs to be regular talks about limits, boundaries, and what you want to gain from the scene. In the heat of the moment, it can be easy for a degradation scene to be taken too far, even with one simple comment or act. Due to this, it is essential to have advanced planning before attempting any act of degradation. Safewords should also be established, allowing anyone in the scene to give the warning to slow down or stop the scene completely if needed. All parties need to express what they are and are not comfortable with doing or saying. Someone may express that they want to have certain parts of their bodies insulted, but the other person involved may not be comfortable saying these insulting terms. That is absolutely okay but should be discussed prior to the scene. Everyone involved is allowed to have boundaries, and they need to be respected. The intention behind degrading is to bring intense feelings of humiliation or embarrassment, and because of the emotions that can stem from this, aftercare is a must. Aftercare provides reassurance and affirmation, creating a feeling of safety and respect that was not present during the degrading scene.
Degrading can come in various different forms. The most commonly discussed or used one is verbal degradation—mockery, insults, and belittlement. Some people just really get off when called pathetic or disgusting. Degrading can also take physical forms such as spitting, slapping, spanking, being ejaculated on, or urinating on the submissive partner. Once again, boundaries and consent need to be established before any of these acts take place. Some degradation scenes are carried out in a public setting, with the idea of others watching increasing feelings of humiliation and embarrassment. Whilst this may work well in the dynamic, considerations of public consent and laws of public indecency need to be taken into thought.
Praise
On the complete opposite spectrum to degradation, there is finding arousal from praise. There is nothing you love more than positive reinforcement— “you’re doing such a good job baby!” Ryn Preuffer, a queer sex and relationships writer, notes that “In the kink community—a world where discipline and punishment reign supreme—it can feel refreshing to see positive reinforcement incorporated into BDSM play.” Whilst praise can be verbal, “you look so hot when you [insert activity]”, there can be physical elements incorporated. A pat on the head or a kiss on the forehead can be just as good as a verbal affirmation!
Once again, the role of context and consent is equally just as important. When a co-worker at my job calls me a “good girl” it gives me the creeps—I don’t know them. We do not have that relationship. When my partner calls me a “good girl”, something I have expressed I would like him to do, I enjoy it! The difference in both situations is the context. When giving out compliments, make sure to be sincere in your praises. Half-hearted compliments will be noticed, and your goal of making your partner feel appreciated will not be reached.
Psychologically speaking, praise during sex acts on the “positive feedback loop.” Ducky DooLittle, certified sex educator expands on this: “Being called a ‘good girl’ or ‘beautiful’ in explicit terms will inspire both partners to go deeper into the act that elicited the praise in the first place.” The desire to receive praise, and having words of approval spoken will encourage both partners to carry on with the act to gain more affirmation. Furthermore, DooLittle explains that as humans we naturally respond well to positive reinforcement. “There is a neurotransmitter called serotonin that is triggered when a person feels proud and respected. It’s a feel-good chemical that has a positive impact on our nervous system.” We bond with others through compliments and praise. Think of the girls’ toilets at a nightclub where compliments are thrown out and everyone becomes instant gal pals. “OMG I love your dress!”, “where did you get your lipstick from? It’s so pretty!” Now imagine the feeling of getting a lovely compliment over your new jeans, combined with the oxytocin and other feel-good chemicals that sex releases—that is what praise during sex can feel like!
What if I want both?
It is totally cool if you are into a combination of both praise and degradation. A sweet phrase followed by a derogatory term really just hits the sweet spot for some people. Whilst the two seem like they contradict each other, they can work incredibly well together. Once again, communication beforehand is key to establishing boundaries and consent. Everyone has different sexual preferences and needs. Having a desire to experience degradation during sex does not mean that you are a horrible person, or that anything is wrong with you. If degradation or praise just doesn’t do it for you, that is also completely okay!
By Stephanie McCartney
Interested in learning more about this and other topics regarding couples? Join us for our upcoming workshop; Coming Together: Techniques for working with Relationships & Couples. This workshop is for therapists, counselors, coaches and educators working with monogamous couples who are experiencing relationship and intimacy related issues. A step-by-step approach on how to assess and treat couples with high-conflict or complex issues with communication, sex, and intimacy.