Aftercare is a concept that originated in BDSM communities but is something that should happen after all forms of sex. In general, aftercare refers to what you do after sex to make sure that everyone is okay and taken care of. In BDSM practices there may be the use of bondage or other implements that may cause marks and bruising, part of aftercare in this scenario may involve applying a cold compress to bruises or rubbing in cream on marks. Well+Good’s lifestyle writer, Mary Grace Garis, suggests a sign that you are not practicing appropriate aftercare is experiencing postcoital dysphoria (or in her own words, the ‘post-sex blues’). So why is aftercare so important?
Chemicals and hormones play a major reason why aftercare is so crucial. During sex oxytocin, dopamine, and prolactin get released—however, after sex, these chemical levels begin to dissipate which can result in postcoital dysphoria or other negative emotions. Aftercare may help your body to regulate how it responds as those chemicals dissipate. Providing aftercare after sex helps maintain a sense of closeness in a relationship, making it easier to emotionally respond to chemical levels changing. Remember that intimacy, vulnerability, and connection shouldn’t end with orgasm. Emotional intimacy is just as important as physical intimacy, so prioritizing time for aftercare provides a space to improve this emotional intimacy, and further allows an opportunity for sharing and validating positive emotions
Aftercare is further beneficial in the way it helps to relieve underlying sexual shame. Sexologist Gigi Engle quotes “while sex is not shameful and should be enjoyed (safely) by one and all, it can sometimes bring up feelings of shame due to the sex-negative messages many of us faced growing up. While the logical mind tells us that sex is normal and healthy, our subconscious can store these shameful messages.” Aftercare should provide a chance to diminish any post-sexual shame.
How to practice aftercare
Before practicing any kind of aftercare, always remember that consent is paramount. Ask your partner how they would like to be approached after sex. For some people they may need closeness and physical touch, others need space and time to ground themselves. With me and my partner, a routine that has worked well for us is 10-15 minutes of cuddling and talking about what we did or didn’t enjoy, followed by 10 minutes apart when we do what we feel is right for ourselves e.g. showering, watching something on our phones. Mary Grace Garis reiterates that aftercare isn’t simple for “madly-in-love, long-term couples who live together” but is for everyone. This can range from casual partners to those practicing solo sex in long-distance relationships. Aftercare for those in long-distance relationships can involve creating a safe space by using weighted blankets after sexual intimacy or cuddling with clothing/other objects that belong to your partner.
Cuddling:
Cuddling releases the oxytocin hormone which can reduce stress and increase intimacy. It has the additional benefit of being a low energy activity, so is easy to do after an intense session.
Rehydrate and Snacks:
Make sure to drink some water afterward! Having your favorite snacks nearby can also be a way to easily replenish energy.
Taking Care of Any Minor Injuries:
Some people may participate in more extreme forms of kink and BDSM, this can include blood or knife play. Following the scene, any wounds should be disinfected and patched up.
(Actually) Sleep Together:
Taking a short nap or even sleeping together can further work as a way to foster intimacy, especially if this involves more cuddling or physical touch.
Watch a Movie:
This provides the chance to check out and completely relax. Watch something lighthearted or funny—this is also a chance for more cuddles and snacks!
Recount the Scene:
Recounting the scene is a great and straightforward way to check in with your partner. Use this as a time to discuss what you liked, didn’t like, or things you would like to try out next time. Communication is key!
Kissing or Slow Sex:
Kissing can make us feel closer and more connected to our partners. And sometimes the answer to sex is more sex. Having slower and more sensual sex can function as a form of aftercare, especially for those who participate in acts of humiliation or other rough play. For those in the BDSM community, this slow sex can allow them to reconnect to themselves rather than their roles as dominant or submissive.
Words of Affirmation:
Tell and affirm your partner that they are loved and safe as a form of aftercare. If you are not comfortable doing this or don’t know the person as well, an alternative idea can be to praise their performance.
Massage:
Play some gentle music, dim the lights, and take turns massaging each other. Both parties get to feel like they are being taken care of whilst also being able to wind down with some physical affection
Aftercare will always be up to the individual, hence it is important to discuss it before sex begins. Ultimately, taking care of your sexual needs and preferences such as aftercare will result in sex being far more fulfilling and satisfying. If you’re interested in learning more about the world of kink and aftercare, check out SHA’s Kink-Informed Certificate program taught by the Supernova of Kink herself, Midori.
By Stephanie McCartney