Interested in becoming certified in CNM? SHA can help! Click the button to join our next cohort and enjoy the blog!
“Love isn’t this scarce resource. By giving it to one person you’re not taking it away from someone else. Quite the contrary. Developing a relationship with someone new might serve to strengthen your existing relationships.” - CNM study participant
What is consensual non-monogamy? The American Psychological Association (APA) Commission on Consensual Non-Monogamy describes it as an “umbrella term” for partners that engage in consensual sexual or romantic relationships with multiple people. This includes various labels: open relationship, polygamy, swinging…etc. The CNM lifestyle resists gender, sexuality, and relationship norms by establishing that love and intimacy aren’t solely defined by long-term monogamous partnerships, as many of us were lead to believe.
CNM can enhance individuals' sexual and romantic satisfaction and increase one’s sense of self and autonomy. However, couples must establish clear, concise boundaries to maintain those benefits. People within the world of CNMs emphasize the importance of intentionality and ongoing dialogue. These conversations about boundaries, preferences, and consent are constant and essential.
Everything starts with a conversation—go to your partner with an open heart and mind, and come prepared with questions, potential concerns, and answers. Address CNM with your partner gently. Discussing open relationships is a highly vulnerable conversation requiring both partners to honestly speak about their bodies, insecurities, and goals.
When approaching CNM, it is essential to assess your and your partner's emotional bandwidth; do you have the emotional capacity to have multiple emotional and romantic attachments? Some people can connect with only a few individuals, while others can comfortably have numerous emotional attachments. Have a conversation dedicated to discussing both of your emotional bandwidths, this will help determine what kind of CNM relationship will work best.
In more practical terms, do you have the time? Experimenting in open relationships requires constant conscious effort and dedication. This takes up a significant amount of your time - does your daily life have the availability to take on another role and responsibility? Can you and your partner balance the CNM lifestyle while maintaining your own mental and physical well-being?
Planning for the logistics of the CNM lifestyle can be the starting point for discussing boundaries. Here are a few questions to start thinking about:
What time should your partner ideally come home from a date?
Are there co-workers or friends that are off limits?
Do you want to go on dates together or separately?
Can you have sex with another partner in shared spaces (i.e., master bedroom)?
The most common issue partners fear is jealousy. In a study of CNM motivations, a participant shed light on how they cope with jealousy: “When I practiced monogamy, I was eaten alive by jealousy—particularly centered around ‘not knowing what was going on and the inherent inability to ever know. In polyamory, jealousy is recognized as a normal emotion and communicated about rather than a shameful feeling that should be hidden. I think this is healthier and creates happier, more stable relationships.” Approaching and understanding feelings of jealousy are necessary when beginning the conversation about consensual non-monogamy. Jealousy is natural and is expected in every relationship, whether monogamous or not.
Compersion is sympathetic joy for others who thrive with someone or something that doesn’t involve or benefit you. Acting within the world of compersion rather than jealousy can help your relationships transition away from monogamy. For example, when your partner gets their dream job, you naturally feel over the moon for them. Now imagine seeing your partner flirt or have a relationship with another person. Instead of feeling jealous, you are struck with feelings of excitement and happiness. This is an act of compersion. Learning how to live within the compersion mindset is a process and isn’t instinctual; therefore, it must be a conscious practice to which you and your partner have to dedicate time and effort.
You and your partner aren’t alone. An entire community of CNM individuals wants to support and help you through this transition. Dr. Heath Schechinger has compiled a list of resources that includes online CNM support groups, dating apps, podcasts, books, therapists, and more. The Sexual Health Alliance can help with the journey as well, through our CNM certificate program! Dr. Elisabeth Sheff and several pioneers in the sexuality field provide a sex-positive education for all mental and sexual health professionals - and those simply interested in learning about different types of relationships.
By Abby Stuckrath