What Dr. Joe Kort Teaches Us About Shame, Sexual Health, and Asking Better Questions
For many people, sexual health conversations are still wrapped in shame, comparison, and the quiet belief that there is a right way to have sex—and that anything outside of it is a problem to be fixed.
According to Dr. Joe Kort, that belief does far more harm than good.
In this interview with Sexual Health Alliance, Dr. Joe Kort—psychotherapist, board-certified clinical sexologist, and founder of The Center for Relationship and Sexual Health—shares one of the most powerful and liberating insights in sexual health work:
The way you have sex is right for you—as long as it’s consensual and between adults.
This deceptively simple statement challenges decades of cultural messaging, clinical avoidance, and therapeutic hesitation. Drawing on more than 36 years of clinical practice, Dr. Kort explains why removing shame is foundational to sexual well-being, how couples therapy has evolved, and why sexual health professionals must learn to ask questions instead of waiting for permission.
Sexual Health Isn’t About “Doing It Right”
When asked what one insight about sexual health could truly move the needle, Dr. Kort doesn’t hesitate.
He emphasizes that sexual expression does not need to conform to cultural expectations, scripts, or norms to be healthy. As long as sex is consensual and between adults, how someone experiences pleasure is valid.
He shares an example from his clinical work with a couple who believed something was wrong because they could only reach orgasm in a specific way. They came to therapy convinced they should be having penetrative sex or experiencing pleasure in a more socially sanctioned form.
Dr. Kort worked with them to explore those options—but also named something essential: trying to force themselves into a different sexual style would be no different from conversion therapy.
In other words, the goal of sex therapy is not to make people conform. It’s to help them accept who they already are.
The real work, he explains, is helping clients let go of the shame that tells them their pleasure is wrong.
Shame Is Often the Real Problem
Dr. Kort’s message is clear: shame—not sexual behavior—is one of the biggest barriers to sexual health.
Many people come into therapy believing they are broken because their desires don’t match what they think they’re “supposed” to want. They’ve internalized scripts about:
how sex should look
how couples should function
what counts as “real” intimacy
These scripts don’t just come from media—they show up in clinical spaces too, especially when therapists avoid sexual health conversations altogether.
Dr. Kort encourages people to “get rid of the shame and embrace it”—it meaning their authentic sexual self. When shame is reduced, curiosity and connection can finally take its place.
How Couples Therapy Has Changed Over Time
After decades of practice, Dr. Kort reflects on what has changed most in how he works with couples.
One of the biggest shifts? Sexual health is no longer optional to ask about.
Earlier in his career, he—like many clinicians—did not routinely ask about sexual well-being. Today, he considers it unethical not to.
Everyone has a sexual life, whether they are sexually active or not. Avoiding questions about sex doesn’t protect clients—it leaves critical parts of their lives unexplored and unsupported.
Another major evolution in his work is his role in the therapy room. Dr. Kort describes becoming:
less focused on problem-solving
less invested in the details of couples’ fights
more committed to helping partners turn toward each other
Instead of offering solutions, he helps couples discover their own answers—answers that are tailored to who they are, not what a therapist thinks they should be.
As he often tells clients: “That would be a Joe Kort answer. You need a response that fits you.”
Why Therapists Must Learn to Ask the Questions
One of the most important messages Dr. Kort offers is directed squarely at professionals entering sexual health work.
Many therapists say, “I don’t ask about sex unless the client brings it up.”
Dr. Kort challenges this logic directly.
He asks: Do you wait for clients to bring up family of origin before you ask about it? Of course not. It’s part of assessment. Sexual health should be treated the same way.
When therapists don’t ask:
clients assume it’s not important
clients don’t know it’s okay to talk about
sexual concerns remain hidden
Dr. Kort explains that part of ethical, competent practice is naming why we ask these questions—and giving clients agency in how they respond.
He models this by telling clients:
You don’t have to answer. We’re new to each other. But I want to ask because I’m trained in this, and it matters.
That simple statement does something powerful: it normalizes sexual health as part of therapy without forcing disclosure.
Curiosity Is a Clinical Skill
Throughout the interview, one theme keeps surfacing: curiosity.
Dr. Kort encourages therapists to remain genuinely curious—not voyeuristic, not judgmental, not agenda-driven, but open.
Curiosity communicates safety. It tells clients:
this topic belongs here
you won’t be judged
your experience matters
Avoidance, on the other hand, reinforces shame. Silence sends a message even when nothing is said.
For sexual health professionals, learning how to ask is just as important as knowing what to ask.
Sexual Health Is Not One-Size-Fits-All
Dr. Kort’s work consistently pushes back against rigid models of sex, relationships, and healing.
What works for one couple may be harmful for another.
What brings pleasure to one person may feel wrong to someone else.
What looks “healthy” from the outside may be deeply misaligned internally.
Sex therapy is not about correcting behavior—it’s about aligning people with themselves.
That alignment becomes possible only when shame is addressed and conversations are allowed to happen openly.
What This Means for Sexual Health Professionals
For therapists, coaches, counselors, and educators, Dr. Kort’s insights carry clear implications:
Sexual health must be a routine part of assessment, not an optional add-on
Therapists should not wait for clients to introduce sexual topics
Asking questions is an ethical responsibility, not an intrusion
The goal is not to provide answers, but to help clients find their own
Shame reduction is foundational to healing
Professionals who avoid sexual health conversations often do so out of discomfort—not because clients don’t need them.
Dr. Kort’s work reminds us that competence includes courage.
Summary: Dr. Joe Kort on Sexual Health
Clinical sexologist Dr. Joe Kort explains that the way a person has sex is right for them as long as it is consensual and between adults. He emphasizes removing shame around sexual expression and accepting individual preferences rather than forcing conformity to social norms. After decades of practice, Dr. Kort highlights the importance of routinely asking about sexual health in therapy and considers it unethical not to do so. He encourages therapists to ask thoughtful questions, stay curious, and help couples discover their own solutions rather than providing prescriptive answers.
Final Takeaway
Dr. Joe Kort’s message is both radical and grounding:
You are not broken because of how you experience pleasure.
You are not wrong because your sex life doesn’t match a script.
You don’t need to change who you are to be sexually healthy.
Sexual health improves when shame is reduced, curiosity is welcomed, and professionals are willing to ask the questions that matter.
The way you have sex is right for you.
Sometimes, healing begins simply by being told that out loud.
Want to become an in-demand sexual health professional? Learn more about becoming certified with SHA!
