Rewriting Sexual Scripts, Pleasure, and Relationship Rules with Erin Musick, M.C., R. Psych, CST, RYT
Many couples arrive in therapy carrying an invisible rulebook they never consciously agreed to.
Sex looks a certain way.
Relationships follow a certain structure.
Bedrooms are shared.
And sex, more often than not, ends when he is finished.
According to Erin Musick—Registered Psychologist, AASECT-Certified Sex Therapist, yoga teacher, and long-time clinician—these rules aren’t natural truths. They’re scripts. And increasingly, therapists and couples alike are questioning whether those scripts still serve anyone.
In this interview with Sexual Health Alliance, Erin names one of the most meaningful shifts happening in sexual health and relationship work today: the intentional rewriting of rules—around sex, intimacy, and even how couples live together.
What happens, she asks, when we stop following the script and start asking what actually works?
The Shift That’s Changing Sexual and Relationship Work
When asked what trend genuinely excites her right now, Erin doesn’t point to a buzzword or viral concept. She points to something quieter—and far more impactful.
She’s seeing more couples question assumptions they’ve never examined:
Why do we assume couples should share one bedroom?
What if separate bedrooms would support better sleep, desire, or connection?
Why do we assume intimacy must follow a specific sequence?
This shift isn’t about being unconventional for the sake of it. It’s about deconstructing inherited scripts and rebuilding relationships in ways that fit real people, real bodies, and real lives.
Erin describes this as asking, often for the first time:
How do we actually want to do this?
Scripts We Didn’t Know We Were Following
One of the most powerful ideas Erin brings into the conversation is that many couples don’t realize they’re following a script at all.
Cultural narratives quietly tell us:
what sex should look like
how desire should function
whose pleasure matters most
what a “normal” relationship is
These scripts are so embedded that people often experience distress without knowing why. They sense something isn’t working—but assume they are the problem.
Erin’s work focuses on helping clients recognize that the issue is often not dysfunction, but misalignment with a script that never fit them in the first place.
The Problem with Penis-Centered Sex
When Erin is asked to name one essential insight about sexual health—something that truly moves the needle—she doesn’t hesitate.
A significant portion of her practice involves cisgender, heterosexual couples, and within that context, she sees a consistent pattern:
Penises have been made the star of the show.
This penis-centered model of sex creates a narrow, linear framework:
arousal builds toward penetration
penetration leads to ejaculation
ejaculation signals the end
This structure places enormous pressure on everyone involved and usually ignores female sexual pleasure.
For men, it can create performance anxiety and fear of “failure.”
For women, it can quietly erase their experience altogether.
And when bodies change—due to trauma, disability, illness, pain, aging, or stress—this model collapses.
“What If Sex Isn’t Done When He’s Done?”
Erin shares a question she regularly asks her female clients—often more than once a week:
“So… what if sex isn’t done when he’s done?”
The response is often silence.
Not because the question is confusing—but because it challenges something that has been treated as inevitable.
Many women have never been invited to consider:
whether sex could continue in a different way
whether pleasure has multiple endpoints
This question alone can open up a profound shift in sexual agency.
Sex no longer becomes a one-way journey to a single destination. It becomes flexible, curious, and responsive.
Moving Beyond Duty, Pressure, and Linear Sex
Penis-centered sexuality doesn’t just limit pleasure—it often turns sex into a duty.
When sex is framed around a single goal, people begin to feel pressure:
pressure to perform
pressure to finish
pressure to comply
Erin describes how this creates what she calls a “boring linear pressure field”—a dynamic where obligation replaces curiosity and connection.
By contrast, when couples allow sex to be non-linear:
pressure decreases
communication increases
pleasure diversifies
intimacy expands
Sex can pause, resume, shift, or end based on mutual readiness—not a predetermined endpoint.
Flexibility Is the Key to Better Sex
A core theme in Erin’s work is flexibility—in bodies, in desire, and in relationships.
When couples move away from rigid scripts, they gain:
more options
more creativity
more room for difference
more compassion for changing bodies
This flexibility is especially important for clients navigating trauma, chronic illness, pain, or disability—areas Erin is deeply experienced in working with.
Rigid sexual expectations often fail the very people who need care the most.
Rewriting the Rules Beyond the Bedroom
Importantly, Erin doesn’t limit this conversation to sex alone.
She sees the same script-following in:
living arrangements
relationship agreements
expectations about closeness and independence
For some couples, two bedrooms might reduce resentment and increase desire.
For others, redefining what intimacy looks like day-to-day can restore connection.
The common thread is choice.
When couples intentionally design their relationship instead of inheriting it, they often feel more empowered—and more connected.
What This Means for Sexual Health Professionals
For sex therapists, counselors, and coaches, Erin’s insights carry meaningful implications:
Questioning sexual scripts should be part of clinical work
Penis-centered models of sex often harm everyone involved
Sexual agency requires curiosity, not compliance
Flexibility is essential for inclusive, trauma-informed care
Pleasure should not be reduced to performance or endpoints
Professionals who help clients rewrite scripts aren’t creating chaos—they’re creating space.
Summary: Erin Musick on Sexual Scripts and Pleasure
Sex therapist and psychologist Erin Musick explains that a major shift in sexual health and relationship work is the rewriting of inherited scripts around sex, intimacy, and relationships. She highlights the problems of penis-centered sexuality, which creates performance pressure and limits pleasure, particularly in heterosexual couples. Erin encourages flexibility, curiosity, and sexual agency, including questioning the norm that sex ends when the male partner finishes. By deconstructing outdated scripts and allowing couples to define what works best for them, sexual experiences can become more inclusive, satisfying, and connected.
Final Takeaway
Sex doesn’t have to follow a script.
Relationships don’t have to look a certain way.
And pleasure doesn’t have to end when someone else decides it does.
Erin Musick’s work reminds us that sexual health improves when we stop asking, “Is this normal?” and start asking, “Does this work for us?”
When flexibility replaces pressure and curiosity replaces duty, sex becomes not just more pleasurable—but more humane.
Sometimes, the most radical thing a couple can do is rewrite the rules.
Want to become an in-demand sexual health professional? Learn more about becoming certified with SHA!
