Bringing up a new sexual interest with your partner can be a hard conversation to have, and many people have no idea how to approach it. The fear of rejection, the fumbling for words, the not-knowing-when or how: it's incredibly common. I hear that, and as an early career sex researcher, I have thoughts (and also some science to back it up!). Here are some recommendations I have about navigating this process:
Be Mindful about the “How”
Research tells us that most people start with indirect strategies to introduce interest in new sexual activities. People often start by testing the waters indirectly to gauge their partner's reaction, then shift to a more direct approach, but direct sexual communication strategies are used (and important!) too. If you're comfortable, being direct is the way to go! Tell your partner what it is, how it works, and why you're interested. In general, the clearer the picture, the better.
Unsure of the difference? Here are some examples:
An indirect strategy could be hinting at or making passing jokes about an interest you have, without outright saying you want to try it.
A direct strategy might be explicitly bringing up a sexual activity, behavior, or interest you want to explore with your partner and clearly saying you would like to try it out.
2. Pick the Right Time
Timing matters more than most people realize. As I discussed in another blog about using sex toys in partnered sex, when you bring up a new interest can shape the entire conversation–and your partner's response!
One of the most important guidelines in my opinion is to have this conversation outside the bedroom. Bringing it up in the middle of a sexual encounter puts your partner on the spot, which can lead to an in-the-moment "yes" they don't actually mean, or a flustered "no" that doesn't reflect how they'd feel with more time to think. Neither outcome serves you! A neutral, relaxed setting, maybe a walk, a quiet evening at home, even over a meal, gives both of you the mental space to engage honestly and thoughtfully.
3. Be Prepared for the Possibility of Rejection
This might be the most important mindset shift you can make going into this conversation: what you're doing is making a request, not issuing a command. Your partner is allowed to say no, and it's on you to create an environment where that feels genuinely safe! That means no sulking, no pressure, no guilt-tripping if they're not on board. How you handle a "no" says a lot about how much you actually respect your partner.
But rejection isn't always a flat-out no. Be prepared for a range of responses:
"Maybe, but not yet" Give them time to sit with it. Don't push for an answer on your timeline.
"Yes, but with modifications" Be open to their input and flexible about how this could work for both of you.
"I'm not sure" Keep the conversation open without applying pressure.
And if they do say yes, the conversation isn't over. Make sure you're getting genuine, affirmative consent–not just a reluctant "fine" or an in-the-moment agreement they're not fully behind. It's also worth remembering that consent can be revoked at any time, even after they've initially agreed. Respecting that isn't just good ethics, it's the foundation of trust. For a deeper dive on this, check out my post on affirmative consent!
The key takeaway here is to go into the conversation thoughtfully and respectfully; it makes the whole experience more productive and safer for both partners.
Still Not Buying It?
You don't have to take my word for it–this is a well-explored area in sex research. Here are some interesting findings to consider:
Positive Outcomes: Good sexual communication is linked to a range of positive outcomes: higher sexual satisfaction, more frequent sex, and better orgasms, among others.
More Factors: One study on university students found that sex, uncertainty, and intimacy may all play a role in how directly someone raises a new sexual interest with a partner. This connects to an existing model suggesting that when couples have moderate intimacy and high uncertainty, they tend to communicate more indirectly. Keep this in mind when considering your own approach! Being more direct could have a positive impact on your relationship.
Couple Motivations: In male-female couples, research suggests partners may be motivated to try new things even when they're already satisfied with their sex lives and that they may use novelty as a way to proactively manage issues like low desire or difficulty reaching orgasm.
This is really just a highlight reel! There's a much larger body of research out there on sexual communication worth exploring. I'd encourage you to seek out evidence-based work on the topic if you're curious to learn more. And whatever you take away from this, I hope it gets you thinking about how this kind of research might apply to the sexual conversations in your own relationships.
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Written by Jesse John, B.S.
Jesse is a clinical psychology doctoral student at Rowan University in New Jersey. Their research focuses on sexual decision-making, sexual violence, and relationship experiences. The author identifies as a Queer, neurodiverse, white, non-binary person, which informs the way they write and see the world!
