Imbalanced libido, sexual dysfunction, anorgasmia, and intimacy issues are some of clients’ most common sexual hurdles. Assigning sensual touch exercises (also known as sensate focus) can pave the way for your clients to open conversations about intimacy and reignite passion while removing the requirement and pressure of bringing themselves or their partners to orgasm.
Sensual touch exercises are designed to increase intimacy and reduce sexual tension. In short, sensual touch is caressing the body without leading to sexual activities. Guiding your clients to separate the act of touch from sex will help them to be more physically present and mindful. Throughout the assignment, you should strongly recommend that your clients refrain from sexual intercourse until they have completed all three exercises. This frees each partner from any sexual expectations. By removing sexual performance and orgasm as the “goal,” sexual anxiety is reduced and “failure” of the exercise is impossible.
However, if any clients involved begin to experience extreme anxiety or discomfort throughout the process, they should stop the exercise and contact you to discuss their situation. If your clients are experiencing duress by refraining from sexual intercourse, it is always advisable for them to do what is the most beneficial for their relationship. The ultimate goal of this exercise is to increase intimacy and reduce sexual tension and anxiety; if that leads clients to initiate intercourse, then they have made progress!
The exercises outlined below are adapted from sex therapy assignments from the Sexology Institute in San Antonio, Texas, which were based on sensate focus research by sex researchers Masters in Johnson in the 1970’s. The series of three exercises should take your clients a minimum of one week to complete.
Exercise 1 - The Full-Body Caress
Instead of focusing on intercourse and orgasm, you and your partner should conduct daily caressing sessions as outlined in the following directions. Take it slow. By slowing down, you can better focus on you and your partner’s pleasure and savor the sensuousness. In these exercises, slow is better than fast. Intimacy is not a race.
Take turns gently caressing your partner’s full body, excluding erogenous zones (nipples, genitalia, etc.). The objective of this assignment is to release physical tension and increase intimacy.
Complete this assignment for three days before progressing to Exercise 2.
Directions:
Set the mood! Dim the lights, light a candle/incense, play soft music, or do anything else that will help you and your partner relax.
Remain fully clothed for this exercise.
The receiving partner should lay face down in a comfortable position while the giver caresses them as tenderly as possible.
Start with the back of the head, ears, neck, and shoulders.
Continue down the back, arms, and sides, being considerate to avoid any ticklish areas.
Complete the caresses by continuing down the buttocks, inner thighs, legs, and feet.
Once the back is complete, the receiving partner should roll over.
Caress the front of the body the same way, beginning with the head, face, and ears.
Caress the chest, belly, sides, legs, and feet, while avoiding genitals, nipples, and any ticklish areas.
Throughout this assignment, the receiver should focus on their emotional and physical feelings, allowing their body to relax at their partner’s touch.
The receiver should provide feedback to their partner if anything feels unpleasant, tickles, is too fast, too slow, too hard, or too soft. Also provide positive feedback if something feels particularly pleasant.
The giver should continue to caress their partner until the receiver has had enough and is fully relaxed.
Trade places and repeat for the other partner.
Check in! Discuss the exercise with your partner, and journal your emotions (positive or negative) that you experienced so we can discuss them at our next session.
Exercise 2 – Adding Erotic Touch
Take turns gently caressing your partner’s body, focusing on erogenous zones. The objective of this assignment is to produce arousal but not orgasms.
Complete this assignment for three days before progressing to Exercise 3.
Directions:
Set the mood! Dim the lights, light a candle/incense, play soft music, or do anything else that will help you and your partner relax.
Remove clothing as needed for this assignment.
The receiving partner should lay down on their back in a comfortable position.
The giver should caress their partner’s body to arouse them before touching their genitals. Caress and kiss from one part of the body to another, focusing on your partner’s sensitive erogenous areas (chest, inner thighs, ears, neck, etc.).
Once your partner is aroused, you may begin to caress their genitals intermittently, while continuing to caress other areas of their body.
For bodies with a penis, they may or may not achieve an erection. If they do have an erection, caress it gently then move to another part of the body. Do not be concerned if their erection goes down at times; this is natural and normal.
For bodies with a vulva, caress the area around the clitoris before touching it gently. Stimulate around the vaginal opening, but do not insert anything.
For intersex, transgender, or other bodies that do not fall into these categories, gently stimulate your partner’s genitalia in the way that they enjoy.
Givers should keep their movements slow and unpredictable. Do not provide rhythmic, forceful movements which could lead to orgasm.
Continue to stimulate your partner in this way until the receiver has had enough, but not long enough to lead to frustration.
Throughout this assignment, the receiver should focus on the sensations they are receiving, and how it makes them feel physically and emotionally.
Trade places and repeat for the other partner.
Check-in! Discuss the exercise with your partner, and journal your emotions (positive or negative) that you experienced so we can discuss them at our next session.
Exercise 3 – Now Slow it Down
Take turns gently touching your partner’s body. The objective of this assignment is to slow down and learn to anticipate your partner’s touch, re-activating nerve endings that can become overstimulated with intense movement and sensations.
Directions:
Set the mood! Dim the lights, light a candle/incense, play soft music, or do anything else that will help you and your partner relax.
Remove all clothing for this assignment.
The receiving partner should lay down (either face down, or on their back) in a comfortable position with their eyes closed.
The giver should hold their hands above their partner’s skin, close enough for them to feel the giver’s body heat, for approximately a minute. Have the receiver attempt to guess where the giver is going to touch them by sensing the warmth of their partner’s hands.
The giver puts their hands down softly on that area for a few seconds, then picks them up and moves to a near-by area. Again, they should hold their hands above the skin for about a minute.
Repeat this process until many areas of the body have been covered. The giver can change at random what part of the body they are using to touch their partner (palms, back of hands, forearms, face, feet, etc.).
Next, the giver should rest their hands lightly on their partner’s body for a few moments, then tell the receiver to hold onto the memory of that touch as they are about to remove their hands.
The giver should remove their hands extremely slowly, allowing their partner to savor the sensation.
After a few seconds, the giver should move their hands to another area and repeat this process.
Throughout this assignment, the receiver should focus on the heat of their partner’s body and retain that feeling of closeness.
Trade places and repeat for the other partner.
Check in! Discuss the exercise with your partner, and journal your emotions (positive or negative) that you experienced so we can discuss them at our next session.
by: William Lynch
Resources:
https://www.janesteckbeck.com/post/rebuilding-intimacy-through-sensual-touch-2