Because we live in a world where sex is all too often trivialized or relegated to the shadows where we can only speak about it in hushed tones (if at all!), my professional interest in sexuality has sometimes been uncomfortable. Nevertheless, sexuality is my passion precisely because I understand its potential significance in our lives, including the ability of sex to increase our well-being and connection with others.
We can go far beyond the perfunctory and even stagnant sex that has become so common. It’s possible to use sex to expand our identities and experience, perhaps to even achieve transcendence, when we understand how sex can go beyond the ins-and-outs, to be both dialogue and collaboration.
Sex as Dialogue
Sex already is dialogue, whether we mean it to be or not. If you consider the sex you’ve had—and perhaps some that you haven’t had—you can probably recognize most of these messages that sex can send, and all without speaking a single word.
I care about or love you.
I’m horny.
Getting you off is amazing.
I am or want to be committed to you.
I do not care about your needs.
I can be vulnerable.
I just want to get this over with.
I want to give or receive comfort.
I am nervous or anxious.
I’m not fully in the moment.
Sex can send most of those messages without you even thinking about it, which is sometimes beneficial. However, problems can arise if being sexual with someone sends an unintended message. For example, sleeping with someone might suggest you want more from a relationship than your partner does, something which has happened to someone we all know, if not ourselves. Sex can also be lonely, uncomfortable, or just plain unsatisfying without open channels of communication.
Being purposeful about your sexual interactions can reduce the unintended negative consequences when using sex as your medium of communication. Yet, it can also do more than that, especially when it comes to promoting positive communication. If you can make your partner feel loved or comforted without meaning to, how strong will your messages be when expressing your feelings is your intent? Alternatively, what can you gain if you let your vulnerability and humanity shine through? These questions are pertinent in all facets of our lives but take on unique meaning when it comes to sexuality.
The communication we engage in via sex doesn’t have to center around our relationships. Asserting your sexuality and agency can be empowering in a world where you can just as easily be judged for being prudish as you can be slut-shamed. This is especially true for women, people of color, those with disabilities, and others who have either been viewed as sexual objects or had their sexualities ignored entirely. Whether you’re a sexually-forward woman reclaiming your power or someone with a disability living as a sexual and sexy being, you can make a statement through sex that is bigger than yourself or the interaction. There’s always room for sex that primarily scratches that physical itch, but that isn’t the only function sex can serve if you’re willing to approach it as a dialogue.
Sex As Collaboration
Aside from communication, sex can also be collaboration. After all, you’re combining bodies, desires, feelings, and so much more in partnered sex to create something that is hopefully bigger than the sum of its parts. Together, you can make something or even tell a story that is unique compared to other relationships or interactions. With collaboration, there is give and take, push and pull—not unlike a dance. You read each other’s body language and respond in kind to increase desire and pleasure. When done well, you can feel the energy between you, and the result can be incredibly humanizing and not at all objectifying like sex, unfortunately, can sometimes be.
If you and your partner are able to be your most open selves, expressing fantasies and vulnerabilities, you may be able to explore your authentic sexualities and discover more about yourself–and maybe the world! There are plenty of kinks and associated communities, which you can learn about as a professional in our Kink Informed Certification program if you’re interested. Some people even experience sex as part of their spiritualities, whether it be through Tantric sex (the very name of which derives from weaving together) or by accessing the divine without any specific system of belief. Sacred sexuality has become recognized as a path toward healing, transformation, and a deeper connection that is potentially the result of collaboration with a higher power.
Finally, the planning that goes into a sexual session or kinky scene can also be a literal form of collaboration. From discussing limits to setting rules or picking out gear, you and your partner(s) can create the experience you crave. Sure, a quickie may sometimes be nice, but making an effort can result in experiences that are satisfying beyond what spontaneity can accomplish.
Professionals—including sex therapists—can sometimes focus on the many discussions there are to be had around sex and overlook what happens during sex. While consent and boundaries are essential, and aftercare is important, we should not forget that sex itself can be a dialogue with our partner(s) and how recognizing its collaborative helps to ensure that sex can be a significant contributor to overall well-being.
Written by Nicole Martinez.
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