Mononormative relationships come in complete packages. First, you lock eyes with that special someone in the park where you both find each other reading the same chapter of the same novel. Second, you go on a few dates and then become exclusive partners. Third, one of you suggests moving in, and the other one feels it’s too soon but you find a place anyways. Next comes the Disneyland proposal, followed by the overpriced cliffside marriage, and soon you overwhelmingly welcome three kids. In the end, you are told to sink into that Happily-Ever-After™—as that’s what the step-by-step package offered by the monogamy-hailing society entails.
In her Stepping Off the Relationship Escalator: Uncommon Love and Life book (2017), journalist Amy Gahran introduced and described this trajectory as riding the “relationship escalator.” The relationship escalator is a socially constructed spectacle and script that suggests there should be an escalating movement in relationships. So, dare I say I want to skip a step or don’t want to move on the escalator at all? Fighting the escalator is to end up alone, supposedly, or to always be that person in the room who is a ne'er-do-well when it comes to relationships. If you’re not seeking to ride the escalator in your relationship, then what are you really doing?
Well, as a single, bisexual, non-monogamist, I can say that I am living my happily ever afters along the road, at my own pace and in my own emotional and sexual capacity without having the need to show visible relationship markers to inform society that I feel fulfilled. (Editor’s Note: hell yeah!)
It is important to note that this is not to hate on the steps of the relationship escalators that some people wish and choose to experience, but instead to highlight that riding the escalator is not the only way to find and maintain healthy relationships. It is also crucial to grasp that the overall concept of the escalator is problematic as it enforces an expected and automatic progression of relationships. The “default” nature of this model misses out on the fact that one has to make intentional choices that pertain to their unique relationship style. You don’t have to buy them that gem that costs three years of your salary to close the deal just because society told you that’s the next move. Needless: to say if you do it, do it because you want to!
Undoubtedly, non-monogamous folks who avoid stepping on the escalators are often shamed and misunderstood for not “taking their lives seriously.” How many times have you talked to your more monogamous-minded friends about your relationship and they have thrown a “what’s next?” at you? How often have you been casually dating and someone told you to get serious and find someone you can come home to? There are so many of us who wish to have a child without saying our “I do(s)” or who might never want to move past sharing a roof with our partners. Some would want to keep dating casually and enjoy having one-night stands in their 40s. Some might choose to balance their family time in the day and hookups at the swingers’ clubs during the night and others simply enjoy cooking for one. There is no single right way to have satisfying relationships—and it is also one hundred percent okay to have no relationships at all. You do you, my friend!
Moreover, not to spook anyone but you can also choose to take a few steps back in the relationship if that’s what you and your partner want. When it is said that relationships are about moving forward and growing, it doesn’t always have to mean moving forward as Instagram couple launches or growing in number with kids. It can also signify the importance of helping each other find personal growth and progressing the relationship in terms of increasing your supportive capabilities without needing to add new relationship labels. For instance, you and your partner can help to get over some of the intimate fears you share by engaging in couples therapy. This option is far better than simply moving ahead on the escalator because you think that will solve all your relationship problems. Unfortunately, a lot of people do the latter and end up with more issues than what they started with. Although, thankfully, there are a lot of sex-positive, diverse, and inclusive therapists today—including those certified through the Sexual Health Alliance who you can contact to work out the distinctive guidelines of your relationships and better prioritize your and your partner’s intentions over societal norms.
The notions of relationship escalators are also often drenched in the toxic cishetero-mononormative culture that focuses more on somehow reaching the end of the escalator and less on fully enjoying each step by staying there as long as you wish to with one partner or ten others. At this point, it should be given that an abstract escalator shouldn’t be making your relationship decisions for you.
If strict relationship-escalating models don’t fit the way you wish to have or not have relationships, you are allowed to step off the escalator and take the stairs instead—or make your own path. I did it two years ago, and I have never felt more confident in designing my sexual and relationship experiences at my own convenience.
Written by Shreya Tomar.