Going the Distance: The Reality of Long Distance Relationships

Right now, I am approximately 630 miles from my partner. Close enough to be in the same time zone, but just barely. Fortunately, the reality of being in a long distance relationship has changed greatly from decades ago where the best form of contact was mailing letters and wishing on a star. Okay, that’s dramatic, but still. Modern technology helps.

So thinking about my personal experiences, media I have consumed, and research I have read, I’m actually in a unique position to talk about this topic. However, please note that people who practice ethical non-monogamy or are in polyamorous relationships can also be in LDRs! This blog does not touch on that because it is reflective of my experiences which have been monogamous.

What is a Long Distance Relationship?

A long distance relationship, also called an “LDR”, is a romantic relationship in which the people in the relationship live far away from each other. This could be for a plethora of different reasons, including active military status, academic or career opportunities, or caregiving responsibilities.

The geographical distance is relative. Some may consider a few hour drive to be long distance, whereas others have countries and sometimes even whole oceans between them. Importantly, how difficult it is to bridge that gap involves not only with the number of hours or miles and also what someone and their partner have access to (e.g., socioeconomic status, time off work, etc.).

There are some typical characteristics of long distance relationships:

Communication looks different. It tends to be more digital, more scheduled, and more intentional. After all, you have to make an active effort to engage with your partner or you literally won’t interact with them.
Bridging the distance may or may not be the goal. Generally, people in an LDR want to one day cohabitate or be a short jog away, but that is not the case for everyone. Some individuals commit to an LDR without the intention of moving to be close to their partner. Those folks would fit into the category of “living apart together” long term.

People Have Opinions on long distance relationships

I often get questions about how I make it work. I don’t mind that curiosity at all. What I do mind, however, is a confession that the person I’m talking to “just couldn’t do something like that”, leading to advice to reconsider my relationship or stop “holding myself back”.

Listen, I don’t love the distance! There are so many things, logistical and emotional, that make long distance relationships hard, but that doesn’t mean you should give up. I feel obligated to quote one of my favorite songs here: “We'll never go the distance down the path of least resistance.” I find that to be especially true about long distance relationships. You have to put in the work to make it work, just like any other relationship. You just have to get accustomed to the delayed gratification of not seeing them for long stretches of time.

And finally, for the people making these comments, you could afford to be more supportive. Trust me when I say that most, if not all, of my fellow LDRers know how difficult it is to maintain a relationship stretched across miles and miles. Be thoughtful in your response. That goes for mental and sexual health professionals too! Please take the time to learn about your client’s LDR as well as their related goals and feelings about it.

What Being in a Long Distance Relationship Has Taught Me

As someone with experience in both close and long distance relationships, I have to say that they differ quite a bit.

Intentional Communication

In my last blog I wrote about living apart together and a key theme stands: your communication has to be intentional. It is way easier to turn off your phone and ignore your partner when arguing, or avoid their calls without explanation because you don’t have the person physically present to hold you accountable.

You have to hold yourself accountable to have the hard conversations. These moments are not unique to LDRs, but are much easier to put off or completely disregard when your partner is not physically present.
Tone and subliminal meanings are way harder to deduce over text. This is especially true when sexually communicating. Be ready and able to clarify what you mean, and have the grace to offer your partner a “do over” when what they say doesn’t land the way they thought it would.

Scheduling vs. Spontaneity

Planning is important. Coordinating virtual hangouts, drives to meet in the middle, or flights to make that important holiday all have to be mapped out in advance to varying degrees. Sometimes, it might feel like that pulls the magic out of those moments, as they’re not “spontaneous” enough. Say what you want about that, but at least I will never have one of those “surprise!” moments where my partner and I fly to see each other and end up missing each other because we didn’t properly plan and instead focused on being “spontaneous.”

Planning doesn’t have to be a bummer! I recommend spending time together virtually finding activities to do when you are physically together. That can really add to the anticipation and the excitement leading up to the meetup.

“Quality” Time in long distance relationships

After moving away from my partner, I immediately started trying to maintain the same level of communication and interaction as we had when we were living in the same area. It was exhausting! I’m not the kind of person who wants to text all day every day – I run out of things to say.

Although research tells us that texting is uniquely beneficial in LDRs compared to geographically close relationships, that sense of obligation to be constantly texting, calling, or playing video games together became a drain. Quickly, we began to dread spending time together and needed to reevaluate. It took some time (and some trial and error) to learn what works.

Now, it is way easier now to say “Hey, I don’t have the energy for this tonight” or “Doing this together is important to me, when can we find time for it?” Finding a way to communicate our energy level and emotional availability was definitely a game changer.

Frequently Asked Questions about Long Distance Relationships

Are there any “pros” to being in a long distance relationship?

There are many benefits to an LDR! Here are a few positive aspects I have found:

It is deeply bittersweet. The moments you have together can be so exhilarating and full of joy. You can find respite between visits in creative ways too (simultaneously reading the same books and letter writing are some of my favorites).
You will learn things not only about how your partner communicates, but about how you communicate. I honestly believe my relationship is healthier because of the metacommunication (communicating about how we communicate!) that accompanies the distance.
Although it can be lonely at times, you have the opportunity to exercise your individuality. Being in an LDR means more time to pursue your dream career, try a new hobby, and live independently.

Should I break up with my partner or do a long distance relationship?

I strongly believe that not everyone or every partnership is designed to withstand long distance. That is okay! We all have different needs and values when it comes to our romantic relationships. That being said, it is definitely possible! So, this is a question that only you can answer! I hope my insights are helpful, but at the end of the day it’s a decision you have to make.

Keep in mind that trying it out is okay, even if you find it doesn’t work for you. Although that might be difficult, you’ll learn more about what relationship types and dynamics work best for you and what parts of intimacy and partnership are most important to you.

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Written by Jesse John, B.S.

Jesse is a clinical psychology doctoral student at Rowan University in New Jersey. Their research focuses on sexual decision-making, sexual violence, and relationship experiences. The author identifies as a Queer, neurodivergent, white, non-binary person, which informs the way they write and see the world!