There are a lot of unspoken rules about how dating is supposed to progress: wait until this many dates to kiss, wait this many months before meeting their parents, wait this many years before moving in together. But what if you just... didn't? We treat relationship milestones like a hierarchical checklist where order matters, but honestly? It's all made up. These milestones are a construct. If you love your relationship and neither of you wants to give up your own space, you don't have to. Loving someone doesn't automatically mean you'd love living with them. So let's talk about a growing style of relationship: living apart together.
What Does Living Apart Together Look Like?
Couples used to live apart mainly out of necessity because of factors like long-distance work, academic opportunities, or other circumstances forced their hand. Now, some couples are choosing to live separately even when they don't have to. Here's what it can look like:
Proximity varies widely. From neighboring apartments in the same building to different cities or even different countries, there is no minimum or maximum distance that a couple can live apart from each other but still be together.
It's part-time, not absent. Couples typically spend some nights at each other's homes throughout the week without fully moving in together or bridge the distance in another way.
Applies to all couple types. The term living apart together can describe both married and unmarried partners.
It's not the same as "separated." Separation implies a relationship winding down which isn’t the same as living apart together. Different dwellings aren't a symptom of a problem; in this case, they're simply the structure of the relationship
The Benefits
We don't have a ton of research on this yet (more on that below), so some of this comes from my perspective as a sex researcher and someone in this style of relationship as well as from firsthand accounts shared online. Notably, LAT seems to be most common, or perhaps the most well-documented, among middle-aged and older adults.
More intentional time together. When you don't share a home, you spend less time on domestic friction–arguing about finances, divvying up chores, navigating each other's habits– and more time being intentional about the time you do share. Dates stay dates. Things stay fresh, and you dodge the “roommate effect” that often accompanies cohabitation.
A cleaner breakup, if it comes to that. "Who gets the couch?" and "Who has to find a new place?" are questions you simply don't have to answer if you never shared a space to begin with.
Preserved independence. For people who deeply value their autonomy, alone time, or just having a space that's entirely their own, living apart together can make a relationship feel sustainable long-term in a way cohabitation might not.
The Drawbacks
It might not feel like enough time together. Technically, you are spending less time with your partner, and for some people, that can start to feel lonely, especially sleeping alone on nights apart or carrying all the domestic weight of your own place by yourself.
It's more expensive. Maintaining two separate households in this economy is no small thing. The money couples save by sharing rent, utilities, and groceries is a considerable factor. For some, the financial case for moving in together is hard to argue with.
You might miss the small stuff. I find, as I’m sure many others do, that there is something genuinely meaningful about the mundane: cleaning together, figuring out a budget side by side, just being a team in the everyday sense. Living apart together means opting out of a lot of those quiet, ordinary moments, and for some people, that's a real loss.
Research on Living Apart Together
There isn't much out there yet, but here's a quick summary of some interesting peer-reviewed articles I stumbled upon while writing this blog:
A 2022 German study looked at whether sexual satisfaction predicted whether couples there were living apart together couples eventually moved in together or broke up. Interestingly, sexual satisfaction didn't predict the move toward cohabitation, but low sexual satisfaction did predict breakups. So, it seems like sexual satisfaction matters more for keeping a relationship alive than for determining its structure.
A 2021 U.S. study compared relationship quality across dating, unmarried living apart together, cohabiting, and married couples. Couples who were living apart together generally reported lower relationship quality than married couples. That said, cohabiting and living apart together couples were actually pretty similar to each other and to people who were just dating, suggesting living apart together isn't as distinct an experience as you might expect.
A 2025 study followed Italian men in different relationship structures over time and found that couples living apart together had better sexual functioning and more frequent sex than cohabiting couples. However, the study also found living apart together relationships were associated with twice the risk of major cardiovascular events compared to cohabiting ones, even after controlling for other health factors. That's a pretty notable finding, though more research is needed to understand exactly why that’s the case and how living apart together actually plays a role in it.
Frequency Asked Questions About Living Apart Together
Does wanting to live apart mean I don't love my partner?
Not at all. Love looks different for different people and different relationships. What matters is figuring out what actually works for both of you, not what's “supposed” to come next.
How do I tell my partner that LAT isn't a phase and that I genuinely don't want to move in together?
It’s the same as sexual communication or any other important relationship conversation: be clear and direct. These milestones are a construct, and your partner deserves honest information so they can make an informed choice about the relationship too.
What if I want to try living apart together but my partner doesn't? Or vice versa?
Living apart together works best when both people genuinely want it, not when one person is just going along with it. It's worth having an honest conversation about what you each actually need, because a setup that only works for one of you isn't really working.
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Written by Jesse John, B.S.
Jesse is a clinical psychology doctoral student at Rowan University in New Jersey. Their research focuses on sexual decision-making, sexual violence, and relationship experiences. The author identifies as a Queer, neurodiverse, white, non-binary person, which informs the way they write and see the world!
