I’ll admit that I can struggle to “‘stay in the zone”’ during sex. Even during masturbation, I find that my mind can wander to my worries. “I really need to do some more research on my dissertation” … “Did I definitely lock the front door?” … “Can his housemates hear us?!”. As much as I would try to get back into the zone and focus on the sensations I was feeling, I wasn’t as present as I should be and thus the experience would be ruined for both of us. I knew my main worry was that someone would hear us, and after discussing that with my partner we came up with the conclusion to play some music out loud. But not any music… sexy music. Something about listening to these slow and sensual songs kept me focused on the moment, and if my mind would wander it would tune into the song and still make me think of sex—not anything else that could be worrying me. We made sure to use the same playlist each time. When I would see the playlist thumbnail or hear the first few beats of the first song, I would get into the zone: to an extent, I think I may have classically conditioned myself doing this, but I don’t think Pavlov minds too much. It is also important to note that the moment sex finishes and aftercare commences, we use an entirely different playlist — something soft and not related to sex in any way.
So how did music manage to make such a big impact on my sex life?
In March 2021 Psychology Today released an article on “The Psychology of Listening to Music During Sex”, it elaborates and explains the ways that music can benefit both psychological and sexual wellbeing. Wahl explains the music is able to induce the feeling of pleasure from the way it prompts the release of dopamine. “For many, that chemical response of pleasure acts to stimulate arousal and elevate a sexual interlude when music and sex are combined in a singular experience. Listening to music increases heart rate and breathing — both signs of arousal — and pleasure from music can prepare the body for sexual pleasure.” In my case, it was the way the music prepares my body that made such a difference, if my body was ready then so was my mind. The article then went on to note several reasons why music can improve sexual experiences:
Music playing whilst having sex can diminish inhibition — this is due to the way the music can be associated with spontaneous and freeing feelings. This can then result in letting go of sexual inhibitions that have caused barriers in the past.
Music has also been proven to reduce stress. — Stress is a MAJOR barrier for me, if I am stressed the last thing I want to think about is sex. Though there are situations in which stress is too major for music to solve anything, I’ve found music can reduce stress for general worries.
Music can curb nervousness and distract an individual from negative thoughts — these negative thoughts can range from body image to performance. Playing a song that you know makes you feel hot and confident (Doja Cat is my personal go-to) can truly make all the difference.
Music helping to focus — if playing classical music can help one focus during revision, it sure can help during sex!
Music is bonding — it is additionally thought that playing music can heighten the sense of bonding and in turn increases intimacy.
Move to the rhythm — a good rhythm to the music may actually aid in performance and increase satisfaction.
Mood — as mentioned previously, music can start things off by helping you to get in the mood. As someone who doesn’t experience spontaneous desire but is rather context-dependent, music is a great aid.
Emotions — music can additionally aid to heighten emotional arousal which in turn benefits the sexual experience.
If you want to incorporate music into your sex life, it is key to discuss it with your partners. Some people may not want to have music involved, for them it could be distracting. For others, they may need to hear sounds from their partner in order to be aroused themselves — having music playing covers up the sounds and hence can minimize pleasure for them. There may be people you encounter who simply just don’t like music at all, there will be no benefit or satisfaction gained from music for them. If you do decide to try out music, something that may help you ease into it is to create a playlist together — go through your songs and pick out the ones you know make you confident or give you feelings of arousal — then hit shuffle and give it a go!
By Stephanie McCartney