Jealousy can be a common occurrence in any relationship, whether that be when the waiter only pays attention to your partner or someone seemingly paying them a bit too much attention at a party. Whilst having these fleeting feelings at the moment is normal, issues occur when these feelings of jealousy stem from insecurity about who your partner has been attracted to, or dated in the past. Retroactive jealousy refers to envy and resentment towards your partner's previous relationships. Conversations and interests about your partner's previous relationships are normal and common, but when interest becomes an obsession, it can turn into something unhealthy and destructive.
Mental health counselor Monica Miner explains that retroactive jealousy often involves tactics to gain information about the partner’s past. This can include:
Searching for their ex on the internet and social media platforms
Constant questioning about past relationships
Following past partners on social media
Going over private property like letters or souvenir boxes
Information gathering is one way that retroactive jealousy may manifest, though other signs of it involves:
Making degrading comments about exes or relationships
Comments on how the exes were more attractive or accomplished
Regularly imagining scenarios where the ex is chosen over the partner
Snooping through phones
Accusations about remaining on contact or cheating with the ex
HELPING YOURSELF
The good news is that there are many ways you can navigate these feelings of retroactive jealousy in your relationship, with the first step being introspection with the goal of accepting and validating your feelings. Once you realize you are regularly having these jealous feelings, or find yourself relating to the signs listed about, you need to acknowledge and accept it. Whilst it may feel uncomfortable to accept yourself as feeling jealous, you need to remember that it is a normal and valid emotion. Clinical psychologist Patrick Cheatham suggests sitting in these feelings and asking yourself what these feelings of jealousy really mean to you. “Do you think their past predicts something about your relationship, or makes you feel like you can’t trust them?” Once you have a better idea of the meaning behind the jealousy, you can start to face those worries and have constructive conversations with your partner.
You’ve heard it before and I’m here to tell you it again - communication is absolutely essential. Open and consistent communication is necessary to work through difficult feelings, including jealousy. Cheatham further explains that discussion of past partners and experiences can be a good way for couples to get to know each other, and understand one another's approach to relationships. These conversations need to be carried out in a compassionate and respectful way, and be absent of shame and judgment. One way to ensure this is to use “I” statements and place the focus on your current feelings instead of the focus being their past experiences: “I trust your feelings for me, but sometimes I get worried you’ll realize you would rather be with your ex than with me.” With this comes the importance of being able to trust your partner. While you can never know what someone is truly thinking, you need to be able to trust your partner and believe what they are telling you now. If you still find yourself struggling to navigate jealous feelings, you may want to talk to a professional who can help you to overcome this.
Working on reframing the situation may be something that helps you to overcome retroactive jealousy. Think back to your previous relationships and the things you have learned from being in a relationship with them. Relationships act as a learning process; both you and your partner may have grown from their past relationships, regardless of how it ended. In relationships we grow and change, and by practicing gratitude, you can appreciate your partner's history by understanding that without those relationships, they may have developed into someone completely different and be someone you may not have been attracted to initially.
HELPING A PARTNER
If it’s your partner struggling with retroactive jealousy, there are still numerous ways that you are able to assist them.
When it comes to communication and discussing their feelings, offer compassion, kindness and honesty. You can own and take responsibility for your past choices and relationships while still allowing room for your partner's feelings or worries. Honesty is the best policy in this situation; getting caught out in a lie or trying to undermine how serious previous relationships were will NOT help establish trust in you or the relationship in any way. Though you don’t have to go into explicit detail if it does not feel appropriate, you must avoid lying. If it does feel like you are talking in circles, or the conversation is not leading to anything constructive or helpful, couples counseling may be the next step you choose to take.
Other ways that may help is reminding your partner that there is a reason that you chose to be with them, with a focus on the present rather than the past. Though this may seem obvious, never mock or laugh at the fears and suspicions your partner shares. Although their fears may not be based in reality, the emotional distress they are experiencing is very real. It is also worth noting that you are not necessarily the solution to their experience of retroactive jealousy, but there are ways listed above that you can do to support your partner as they heal and learn.
Retroactive jealousy can be difficult to overcome, but not impossible. Whilst I wouldn’t recommend talking about your ex partners all the time, having conversations about your previous relationships and what you have learnt from them can lead to vulnerable conversations that can work to strengthen your connection.
Written by Stephanie McCartney.