What Silva Neves Teaches Us About Porn, Shame, and the Importance of Holding the Middle Ground
At Sexual Health Alliance, we know that few topics in sexual health provoke as much emotion, polarization, and confusion as porn.
For some people, porn is framed as inherently harmful, addictive, or morally corrupting. For others, it’s seen as neutral entertainment or even a source of pleasure, exploration, and well-being. Public discourse often treats these positions as mutually exclusive—and anyone who doesn’t pick a side is viewed with suspicion.
In this conversation, psychosexual and relationship psychotherapist Silva Neves challenges that binary. He introduces what may be the most important stance for clinicians, educators, and anyone working in sexual health: the ability to hold the middle ground.
This blog explores Silva’s insights into the “harmful porn myth,” why misinformation dominates the conversation, how shame—not porn itself—is often the real issue, and why the field urgently needs more evidence-based, psychologically informed dialogue rather than moral panic.
Why Porn Is Such an Emotionally Charged Topic
Silva begins by naming something many professionals recognize immediately: porn is not just a behavioral topic—it’s an emotive one.
People rarely approach porn neutrally. Instead, discussions are often saturated with:
strong emotions
moral judgments
religious beliefs
fear-based narratives
personal shame
Because of this, factual knowledge is frequently drowned out. When people talk about porn, they’re often not just talking about behavior—they’re talking about values, identity, and morality.
This emotional weight makes porn uniquely difficult to discuss openly, especially in therapeutic or educational settings.
The Problem With Polarized Thinking
One of Silva’s central points is deceptively simple:
It is totally okay to hate porn, and it is totally okay to love porn.
This statement alone disrupts the idea that there must be a single, universal truth about porn’s impact. Human sexuality does not work that way.
However, Silva draws an important distinction between personal values and professional responsibility.
For therapists, coaches, and educators, neutrality is not indifference—it is competence. Holding the middle ground means being able to sit with the possibility that:
porn can be harmful for some people
porn can be neutral or beneficial for others
neither experience invalidates the other
This stance allows professionals to respond to clients as individuals, rather than filtering them through ideology.
Misinformation, Google, and the Illusion of Certainty
Silva points out that much of what people “know” about porn comes from unreliable sources.
If someone Googles porn and mental health, they are likely to encounter:
sensationalized headlines
ideologically driven content
fear-based narratives
oversimplified claims
What they are less likely to find is nuance.
The result is widespread confusion about what porn is, what it does, and what the research actually shows. This confusion is compounded by the fact that porn is frequently discussed as if it has a single, predictable effect on all users.
In reality, Silva notes, the scientific knowledge base is still developing—and far less conclusive than popular discourse suggests.
Porn, Morality, and Religious Influence
Another reason porn discourse becomes so distorted is its deep entanglement with morality and religion.
Many religious traditions prohibit porn outright. While these beliefs are meaningful and valid within those frameworks, Silva emphasizes that moral and religious positions should not be confused with psychological evidence.
When morality drives the conversation, people often move quickly from:
“I believe this is wrong” to “This causes harm to everyone”
That leap is not supported by current research.
Silva argues that conversations about porn—especially in therapeutic contexts—must be informed by biology and psychology, not moral doctrine. Otherwise, professionals risk reinforcing shame rather than supporting well-being.
What Research Actually Suggests About Problematic Porn Use
One of the most important clarifications Silva offers concerns problematic relationships with porn.
Research to date does not consistently show that porn use causes mental health issues such as depression or anxiety. Instead, what studies repeatedly find is something more nuanced:
People who develop problematic relationships with porn are often already struggling with:
depression
anxiety
loneliness
other mental health challenges
In these cases, porn is not the cause—it is the coping strategy.
Silva describes porn use here as an attempt to mitigate distress, self-soothe, or manage emotional pain. It functions less like a toxin and more like a symptom.
This distinction matters deeply. If clinicians treat porn as the problem rather than asking what the porn is trying to solve, they risk missing the real issue entirely.
Shame Is Often the Real Source of Distress
Perhaps the most clinically significant insight Silva shares is this: many people who believe they “have a porn problem” are not experiencing a psychological disorder—they are experiencing shame.
That shame often comes from:
cultural messages that porn use is inherently bad
moral judgments equating porn use with being a “bad person”
online narratives that frame porn use as dangerous or corrupting
Silva suggests that if shame were removed from the equation, many people would feel neutral—or even comfortable—about their porn use.
In other words, the distress is not always about the behavior. It’s about the meaning attached to the behavior.
Porn, Well-Being, and the Role of the Therapist
Silva is careful not to swing the pendulum in the opposite direction and claim porn is universally beneficial. Instead, he emphasizes context.
For some people, porn can:
enhance sexual exploration
support fantasy and desire
contribute to well-being
For others, it may:
reinforce avoidance
exacerbate existing distress
conflict with personal values
The therapist’s role is not to decide which experience is “right,” but to help clients understand their own relationship with porn—free from judgment.
Holding the middle ground allows therapists to ask better questions:
What does porn do for you?
What does it help you cope with?
Does it align with your values?
Does it support or interfere with your goals?
These questions lead to insight. Moralizing shuts them down.
Why We Need More Research—and Better Conversations
Silva describes porn as a “prickly” subject—and that prickliness is precisely why it requires more, not less, attention.
He calls for:
more rigorous research
more informed debate
more open, nuanced conversations
Importantly, he stresses that these conversations must be grounded in psychology and biology, not fear or ideology.
Avoiding the topic doesn’t protect people. Oversimplifying it doesn’t help them either. What helps is complexity handled with care.
Implications for Sexual Health Professionals
For sex therapists, educators, and clinicians, Silva’s perspective carries several essential takeaways:
Neutrality Is Not Endorsement
Holding the middle ground does not mean promoting porn. It means refusing to impose moral judgment where clinical curiosity is needed.
Shame Must Be Addressed Directly
When clients present with distress around porn, professionals should assess shame explicitly. Reducing shame can often reduce distress—even without changing behavior.
Porn Is Often a Coping Strategy
Rather than asking, “How do we stop this?” it can be more useful to ask, “What is this helping you manage?”
Values Matter—but So Does Evidence
Clients’ moral or religious beliefs deserve respect. But those beliefs should not be conflated with psychological harm without evidence.
Summary: The Harmful Porn Myth
Psychosexual and relationship psychotherapist Silva Neves explains that porn is often misunderstood due to misinformation, emotional reactions, and moral or religious beliefs. He emphasizes that it is acceptable to love or hate porn, but therapists must hold a neutral middle ground. Research suggests that problematic porn use is usually linked to underlying mental health issues, such as depression, rather than porn causing those issues. Many people experience distress primarily due to shame associated with porn use. Silva calls for more evidence-based research and open, psychologically informed conversations about porn, rather than morality-driven narratives.
Final Takeaway
The “harmful porn myth” thrives in spaces where fear replaces curiosity and morality replaces evidence.
Silva Neves reminds us that porn is not a singular force with a singular outcome. It is a complex human behavior embedded in emotion, culture, and meaning. When professionals hold the middle ground—neither demonizing nor idealizing porn—they create space for honesty, healing, and real sexual health support.
In a field built on nuance, certainty is rarely the goal. Understanding is.
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