Erotic hair pulling is one of those sexy activities that are so popular many people don’t even consider it a kink. It tends to float around in the “rough sex” zone where people so often put things like spanking and biting. I don’t think this idea is particularly accurate or helpful because it lumps many diverse activities together as if being interested in one necessarily means you’re interested in others. It also treats these activities like they hold little to no risk of harm. For example, hardly any work has been produced on how to pull hair safely, possibly because it has a reputation for being “entry-level” and not needing to be explained. Unfortunately, hair pulling holds substantial risk when done incorrectly. So let’s go over different kinds of hair pulling, how to pull hair relatively safely, and all (or some, at least) of the ways hair pulling can be incorporated into activities that aren’t traditional “rough sex.”
How to Pull Hair Safely
First and foremost we need to talk about what, exactly, erotic hair pulling is. Porn and other kink photography tend to depict hair pulling as one person dragging someone around by their hair or tugging on the ends of braids or ponytails-like handles during doggy-style sex. Obviously, the breadth of human sexuality is near infinite so people can be into all sorts of variations, but these techniques are not particularly safe and do not consistently produce the erotic effect that many enjoy. Instead, many people enjoy the feeling of having their scalp stimulated directly through hair pulling that’s tight against their head. The typical technique involves lacing fingers into the base of your partner’s hair in order to pull from the scalp. Conveniently, this is not only the safest method but is also doable on surprisingly short hair. You probably wouldn’t be able to form a fist in hair shorter than about two inches, but even just sliding your fingers into the base of short hair and squeezing them tightly together can produce a similar effect. When hair is pulled at the base, the sensation is more like an intense scalp massage than pure pain. It has an element of masochism to be sure, but it’s the sort of ambiguous pain that many people who don’t consider themselves masochists might really enjoy.
The number one rule for safety during any sexual scenario is consent. Because hair pulling is often lumped into “rough sex” sometimes people assume someone else will be into it and forget to ask first. Not everyone who likes biting, scratching, or spanking enjoys having their hair pulled, though, so always make sure to ask beforehand. No hair pulling is entirely free of risk, but random tugs on ponytails for example (even when consensual) can give people whiplash which can be quite severe and potentially fatal. Because of this, it’s best to use methods that are slow and don’t put sudden or intense stress on the neck. Typically, this means weaving your fingers into the bottom of someone’s hair closest to their scalp, especially at the base of their neck, before closing your fist to create the pulling sensation. As you close your fist, do it slowly and be attentive to the state of your partner. It’s common for people getting their hair pulled to gasp or make a face which can be a sign of pain or pleasure, so it’s important to verbally communicate as you go.
Where You Should Pull
It’s also relatively safe to pull from the base of a ponytail, pigtails, or braids without getting your fingers directly against their scalp, or weaving under the beginning of the hairdo. If you want to have the psychological or visual effect of more hair being involved, you can try wrapping a partner’s braid or ponytail around your wrist before pulling it at the base or scrunching large sections of loose hair up before grasping the roots of their hair through that bunched bit. If you’re going to pull someone’s hair from the sides, replicating that weaving technique but near the temples or behind the ears can be deliciously erotic. It’s safest to pull both sides evenly when you do because just pulling on one can potentially harm people’s necks as well. Keep in mind that good, intense hair-pulling probably requires less force than you think. It’s not about jerking your partner’s head around (which isn’t safe to begin with); it’s about holding their head still while exerting pressure on their scalp. It’s also important to grab large chunks of hair at a time. Some amount of breakage is always a risk, but pulling small areas of hair makes breakage much more likely and also creates a different sensation some dislike.
Incorporating Hair Pulling
People typically think of hair-pulling as a spicy addition to penetrative sex, but it doesn’t have to be just that. Hair pulling can be a big turn-on during oral sex as well, giving the receiver the sexy feeling of being in control and the giver erotic stimulation while they focus on their partner. Hair pulling is also fun to incorporate into BDSM activities, especially scenes about dominance and submission. Safely performed hair pulling can be used to “force” someone into a submissive stance such as kneeling, or to signal to a submissive that it’s time to stand. There are different forms of bondage that involve hair pulling as well, like bondage that ties to the base of ponytails or methods of braiding rope into people’s hair to use as leashes. Bondage is a complex skill with its own safety concerns, so make sure to research proper hair bondage techniques before experimenting in that realm. Hair pulling is very common in primal play, a subsection of BDSM that focuses on rough body play without implements or tools. Similarly, hair pulling is also fun to incorporate in grappling although it’s important to not get too caught up in the moment that you forget your safety precautions. Hair pulling can also be a form of sensual play or aftercare, like a scalp massage. Hair pulling can even be the main course in and of itself. I recommend talking to your partner about trying hair pulling as its own activity. Not only does it feel wonderful, but it can also activate subspace for people who experience that. It might also turn people on suddenly in a way that other forms of play won’t as consistently because it doesn’t require a previously raised blood flow in order to be very sensually intense.
Hopefully, this article has opened your eyes to more of the possibilities, and risks, when it comes to hair pulling. If you’ve tried hair pulling before and didn’t understand the hype around it, it might be worthwhile to try again using the tips and methods above. It could potentially transform from the dull tugging sensation of a bully pulling your hair in second grade to a sensually erotic massage that could enhance sex or get you into a submissive headspace. If you’re more of a visual learner, I recommend BDSM 101: Hair Pulling by Evie Lupine. She discusses most of what was mentioned in this article and demonstrates methods for herself. Have fun!
Made with the consultation of R Thomas.
By Aiden/Estelle Garret