What’s that you have there? Do you want me to call it a pussy, or how about a dick? You might not have heard this question before, and maybe it even seems a little weird. It’s possible you think of the parts in your underwear as obviously one or the other and you don’t understand why someone would ask. The thing is, not everyone is comfortable with the same language when it pertains to their parts, not to mention the fact that many people have bodies that don’t fit into the sexual binary. So let’s talk about why people might like some terms more than others, why that’s important, and how to have that conversation!
There are so, so many words for body parts and an astounding amount are just for genitals. Some of them sound more medical, some are more vulgar, and some are just silly like “Purple-Headed Yogurt Slinger.” The thing is, not everyone has the same association with these terms. As an example find the word “vagina” overly medical for dirty talk, but my roommate is absolutely fine with it. Using the wrong term might sometimes just be a bit of a turnoff while throwing certain words around without asking could be hurtful to a partner. As another example, many people have negative associations with the word “cunt”, so randomly referring to someone else’s body part that way could shut them down sexually or deeply insult them. Even that’s not the same for everyone, though. I use “cunt” casually or in sexual settings all of the time because for me it feels sexually charged. Even I would never want to refer to my or someone else's parts with incel terminology though, for example.
Why Some Need New Words
For some people, picking and choosing comfortable words is especially important. People who have suffered sexual assault or abuse may find they require specific terminology when talking about their body, or want to avoid certain trigger words for their parts. Intersex people who don’t fit into the imagined sex binary might not always want their parts referred to in ways others assume. Transgender people are another group who might benefit especially from getting to pick how their bodies are referred to. Many trans people experience dysphoria which, for some, is elevated when it comes to their chests or genitals. For some trans folks, this can mean they’d rather never talk about or engage sexually with their parts until they can receive gender-affirming surgeries. But plenty of transgender people, even those who experience dysphoria around their genitals and might want gender-affirming care, are happy to be sexually embodied with others as long as they’re being treated respectfully. A major element of that respect is referring to people’s body parts in ways that feel comfortable to them.
New Genitals Terms
Just like people in general, every trans person is different and has different desires regarding how their body should be referred to. For some trans people, comfortable language comes from sticking to gender-neutral words like “junk”, “bits”, or “genitals.” “Outies” and “innies” are also fun, cutesy, and ungendered ways of talking about certain genital configurations. A lot of people would rather be referred to in a gendered way with the terminology typically associated with the sex they weren’t assigned at birth. For example, many trans women and transfeminine people think of and call their parts “clits.” Some transfeminine people call their pirrenium their pussy, and some use words like that or “vagina” to talk about their junk in general. It’s also common for transmasculine people to call their bits “dicks”, “dicklets” or, if they’ve been taking testosterone and seen growth down there, “T-dicks.” That being said, plenty of trans guys can be perfectly okay with words like “vagina”, “pussy”, or “cunt” and plenty of trans women are happy to refer to their bits as “penises”, “dicks” or “cocks”, which is awesome too! People can also take these typical terms for parts and modify them to be directly gender-affirming. The most popular variation for transfems is probably “girldick” but I’ve also heard “gick”, “gock” and “shenis.” Unfortunately, “boy pussy” or “bussy” tend to be used to refer to cis-men’s holes, but that doesn’t mean trans guys can’t use them too. Other popular terms for trans guy parts are “front hole” and “back hole.” Any and all of these ways of talking about people’s bodies can be fun, sexy, and comfy, but they could also potentially cause dysphoria, discomfort, or just a bit of a laugh that breaks the mood. The best way to know which words a partner or potential partner is comfortable using is to ask them!
Talking Terms with Your Partner(s)
Whether you’re transgender or intersex yourself, have a potential partner who is, or none of the above it’s a good idea to check in with yourself and the people you play with about what words they do and doesn’t like. I’m a fan of direct communication, so I tend to ask about this stuff fairly early before any play has happened. In a casual discussion situation this can look like saying “Oh by the way, sorry this is a little awkward, are there any words you’d rather I didn’t use in bed?” That sort of question can be a great opening to a conversation not just about body terminology but also dirty talk and communication in general. If you’re already getting steamy with someone you should keep an ear out for what words they use to talk about themselves and mirror that, but know it is still a good idea to ask directly at some point and bring up your own desires. Body terminology can also be lumped into conversations about language limits in general. For example, “I love being called a slut but only when I’m already being fucked. There might be days I’d rather you didn’t so I’ll make sure to tell you. If you’re calling me a slut and I’m into it I’d probably love for you to call it my cunt too, but generally speaking, that word’s pretty intense and I’d rather just call it my front hole.” It might feel a little awkward to talk openly about at the beginning, but it’s important for harm reduction and, let’s face it, communication can be pretty hot too. I love to hear all the dirty words my partners want me to use, it’s part of what gets me in the mood to use them!
Written with consultation from Sophie R Galarneau.
By Aiden/Estelle Garrett