Most people have probably heard of spanking in the context of kinky sex before. It’s a fairly common fantasy to imagine being forced over someone’s knee and told you’ve been bad and you’re going to be punished. Even people who aren’t into a formal punishment aspect might consider it fairly every day to have some light swats to the butt in the bedroom. When I decided to write about spanking, however, I had something else in mind. Spanking is an activity that some people enjoy as much more than a bit of spice during foreplay or sex. These people (often self-identified as spankos) center spanking in their erotic life and many aren’t particularly interested in more typical forms of sex. In this piece, I discuss spanking as a complete, isolated sexual act in addition to what people find enjoyable about spanking, and how to explore spanking beyond some playful butt slaps during sexual intercourse.
Spanking As a Term
Unfortunately, spanking is a term in our culture for forms of physical child abuse normalized as too mild or common to call battery. However, this blog post uses “spanking” to describe the erotic practice of consenting adults hitting other consenting adults’ buttocks. This can simply be with an open palm or with implements such as hair brushes or paddles. Often there’s an element of dominance and submission, where one partner (the spanking top) takes on the role of punishing, humiliating, or otherwise holding power over the other partner (the spanking bottom). Spanking can be done over clothes, with underwear exposed, or on bare bottoms. It can be incorporated into broader BDSM relationships as well in different ways. Some enjoy spanking as a pure indulgence in the pleasure of masochism, others use it as a disciplinary element consensually chosen by the participants as a way of correcting unwanted behaviors, and still others desire regularly scheduled spankings as a way to maintain a connection to their BDSM identity and the visceral power exchange element in their relationship.
Why We Spank
Spankos tend to experience spanking as the core pillar of their sexualities. Spanking is an activity that has defined their sexualities since childhood and occupies a similar place in their psyches as penetrative sex might have for the average person. Although likely a very small percentage of the population, spankos are a thriving subculture under the broader umbrella of BDSM. Some spankos have other paraphilias and/or kinks as well, but spankos are generally distinguished from other sadomasochists by the fact that their interest is quite specifically focused on impact play on the buttocks and upper thighs. It’s not pain or impact itself that’s the core of the sexual interest, it’s spanking itself. There’s spanko fanfiction, online spanko communities, and even spanko parties!
So, what’s the big deal about spanking? Why is there an entire subculture surrounding it as its own isolated sexual act? Well, human sexuality is mysterious, and unfortunately, erotic spankings specifically have not been formally studied in depth. However, prominent spanking fetishist Jillian Keenan has pieced together a convincing argument for why this paraphilia in particular is so popular. Possibly the most obvious clue to spanking’s eroticism is the fact that butts are considered a sexual and private part in much of the world. They’re generally expected to be covered in public and for many people, they’re quite sensitive. Butts are also close to genitals and share nerve paths and blood vessels which makes it easy for stimulation (including impact) on people’s butts to stimulate their genitals as well. There also tends to be a fair amount of clenching in both the anticipation of impact and the impact itself, creating the potential for pleasurable kegel sensations that coincide with swats. For people turned on by dominance and submission, spanking imagery and narratives in media could be an early awakening for those feelings. Being spanked can also be humiliating or infantilizing, which makes it a fitting activity to incorporate into degradation or age play dynamics.
Spanking and Trauma
Although many speculate that spanking kinks stem from childhood trauma, this isn’t particularly substantiated. Of course, BDSM certainly can be used by some to reenact traumatic histories in order to process and heal from them. At the same time, many spanking fetishists have no history of child abuse and spankos tend to find the traumatic origin theory a bit reductive and insulting. It can also be misleading – although a history of child abuse certainly does not bar people from participating in consensual adult spanking, survivors should be extra careful when experimenting in this area as even desirable erotic spankings could trigger traumatic flashbacks and be too much to navigate without consciously preparing first and communicating throughout.
How To Spank
Whether you’re a full-fledged spanko or just curious about some casual punishment roleplay, it’s important to consider physical and emotional safety for all parties involved in a spanking scenario. As always, rule number one is to communicate and make sure everyone potentially participating consents to what’s going to happen. Questions like “How would you feel about getting spanked?” are a great starting point, but people have a variety of assumptions about what spanking means so more details should be explored before any hitting. Is everyone interested in using an implement or should it just be open-handed? Are clothes staying on or off? What sorts of pain is the bottom interested in and how much of it? It’s also a good idea to discuss what the erotic hook of spanking is for you and your potential partner. Is it just about masochism, or is it a fantasy of being embarrassed after doing something wrong? Does the bottom want to be good and stay still or struggle and complain? Is the spanking foreplay for some other sort of sex, penetrative or otherwise? Or is the spanking the event in itself and followed only by aftercare and a movie? All of this information is important not only for avoiding causing harm but also for creating a spanking experience that everyone involved enjoys.
Physical safety is also necessary to consider when getting into erotic spanking. Some classic spanking positions are unsafe for people with previous neck, back, or shoulder injuries, but adjustments can be made for spanking to be more accessible. Different implements create dramatically different sensations, and some, such as belts with protruding stitching and wooden spoons with holes through them, are probably not a good idea to use at all as they can tear the bottom’s delicate skin. Spanking (especially with implements) frequently results in bruising which can be part of the fun, but not everyone likes bruising and it’s not always intuitive, especially to new players, how painful and plentiful marks will be after a session. For that reason, it’s a good idea to start light the first few times. If a bottom gets spanked until it’s so overwhelmingly painful they have to stop in the moment, the pain the next day could be painful in a way they didn’t anticipate or consent to. There are also only certain parts of people’s butts and thighs that are safe to hit. This video by Princess Kelly May on youtube usefully outlines (quite literally!) where the safe and unsafe parts for spanking are, which I’d say is a must-watch for anyone new to erotic spanking. Overall, consensual adult spanking is quite safe physically, but it’s always a good idea to consult your doctor if you have any physical conditions (pregnancy or previous injuries for example) which could create potential risks when combined with spanking.
If you’re not particularly into it, spanking might seem like a basic aspect of kinky sex to you, but I hope this blog post has helped you view it with fresh eyes. For many people, spanking is an exceptionally erotic and important activity without necessarily having any overlap with sexual intercourse at all. Even for people who only enjoy spanking as part of a broader BDSM lifestyle, spanking can play with many different erotic concepts and include more implements and a wider variety of sensations than you can easily picture. I’ve never been too into spanking myself, but after writing this piece I must admit my curiosity has peaked and I think I’ll bring up the possibility to the girl I play with. Maybe you can bring it up to someone in your life too!
By Aiden/Estelle Garrett