You’ve probably heard the phrase “sexuality is a spectrum,” right? Well, asexuality is no different. The broad spectrum of asexuality has been depicted as an umbrella, under which there are various orientations and nuances. Demisexuality is one significant component of what’s known as the Ace Spectrum: It provides identification for those who don’t quite fit within the bounds of asexuality (meaning people who don’t experience sexual attraction) yet also don’t navigate their sexuality along the path of allosexuality (which encompasses those who do experience consistent sexual attraction to others). This broad spectrum reminds us that sexuality really does vary widely among individuals.
It’s interesting to observe how our society and culture approach sexuality—and sometimes in a contradictory manner. On one hand, there’s still a degree of taboo and stigma around sex, and many still engage in conservative practices like slut-shaming. Simultaneously, however, there’s the assumption that all humans possess high levels of sexual attraction. When it comes to how individuals experience their sex lives, it seems like people have to constantly explain and defend themselves: “Oh it’s just that I’m ovulating and I get crazy horny, but I’m normal, I promise,” or “I haven’t had any action in a while because I’ve been super busy at work.” It seems like no level of sexual attraction or frequency of encounters is okay.
In the case of demisexuality, this sexual orientation is often misconstrued as a person just experiencing low libido or the repression of their own desires. These misconceptions underscore the importance of raising awareness and understanding in order to foster a more inclusive and informed perspective on human sexuality.
What is demisexuality?
To say that an individual is demisexual is to say that in order to experience sexual attraction to another person, they first need an emotional connection with them. The concept of an emotional bond can vary significantly among individuals, and, as a result, demisexuality can manifest differently based on personal experiences and beliefs.
Time plays an important role for many demisexuals, as it signifies the absence of immediate attractions. In other words, demisexuals require a more extended period to establish a genuine connection before experiencing sexual attraction. It’s worth noting that the duration of the time it takes to form an emotional connection varies significantly from one individual to another, highlighting even more diversity within this sexual orientation.
Discovering a term that resonates with your identity can bring an incredible sense of comfort. The growing number of individuals who identify as demisexuals reflects the importance of giving visibility, importance, and acceptance to demisexuality.
Some misconceptions
Some might mistake demisexuality as just being conservative about sexuality, or assume that it’s the effect of traditional ideals that were imposed on someone. And while it is true that throughout history, a set of expectations influenced by religion and society have been set around sexual behaviors, demisexuality has nothing to do with morality or political affiliation.
The belief that demisexuals need to be in love before having sexual encounters is also mistaken. While it might be true for some, emotional connections can come in the form of romance, friendship, or even sustained familiarity.
There is a difference between sexual attraction, sexual desire, romance, and emotional connections. While someone might experience no sexual attraction or sexual desire, they might still be in a romantic relationship and experience deep emotional connections. Someone can feel no sexual attraction for others but still experience sexual desire, and satisfy this through masturbation or through (informed) partnered sex. Someone can have sexual attraction for others but be aromantic. These are just examples of all of the possible combinations there are.
Lifting Up demisexuality and all levels of sexual attraction
Failing to recognize the diverse spectrum of sexual attraction by lacking awareness of demisexuality can lead to judgmental attitudes when someone’s behavior doesn’t align with our own or with the perceived norm within a group. This can occur whether that involves a low or a high level of sexual activity. This lack of acceptance can also result in self-criticism, with a person feeling as though they’re somehow doing something wrong for the way they experience their own sexuality.
In the case of demisexuality, this internal or external criticism can arise when an individual notices differences in their own sexual behavior compared to that of their peers. This may happen, for instance, if someone notices that they tend to take more time to become sexually active, or even if they simply lack interest in casual hookups. This might be internalized as a failure or a flaw—but it is netiher.
To break free from this cycle of judgment and the need to defend or justify our own sexual self-understanding and experience, it’s crucial to remember that diversity in sexuality encompasses factors like levels of attraction, arousal, timeframes, and frequency. The more we explore the world of sexuality, the more we realize that there is an extensive range of attraction levels, desires, and preferences—including how often one prefers to engage in sexual activity. The most important thing is to feel that you are being true to yourself. As long as everything is consensual and safe, you don’t have to explain anything to anyone.
Written by Natalia Lozano Casique.
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