Everyone tells you that your 20s are the perfect time to discover what you enjoy sexually. This, in turn, places unnecessary pressure on you to explore, even if it may not be something you’re actually interested in, or to worry about why you aren’t actively exploring. No one ever suggests you explore nonsexual romantic relationships or explains what that could mean for you, most likely because most people don’t believe they exist. Surprise! They do. It’s called asexuality.
What is asexuality? Angela Chen’s book Ace: What Asexuality Reveals About Desire, Society and the Meaning of Sex defines asexuality as “the lack of sexual attraction.” Asexuality is a sexual orientation, similar to someone being gay, bisexual, or pansexual. Similarly, asexuality is an inherent, unchosen part of someone’s identity. Chen’s broad definition of asexuality leaves room for individuals to identify within the spectrum rather than a box. Learning about the ace spectrum opened my eyes to a full new understanding of what love and relationships look like.
When attempting to understand the ace spectrum, it is essential to note that sex drive and sexual attraction are two very different things:
Sex drive: The desire to have sex or experience sexual release. A sex drive isn’t dictated by sexual orientation. It is a feeling that can occur anytime with no particular “target” in mind.
Sexual attraction: The desire to have sex with a specific person or, as Chen describes, “libido with a target.”
Asexual people can have a sex drive, meaning they may masturbate and have sexual encounters, but they aren’t attracted to people through their sex drive. Simply put, it’s like wanting to eat but not having a specific craving for a particular type of food. Allosexuals (people who experience sexual attraction) can be “turned on” by seeing a person or action—other people and things influence their sexual feelings and desires. It’s the opposite for people who identify as ace.
The desire to experience love is often equated with sex; it’s believed that to fully love another, you must be connected emotionally and physically. It's taught that feeling and having sex isn’t just natural but necessary—this is called “compulsory sexuality.” Compulsory sexuality is the assumption that everyone is sexual, and not wanting sex is unnatural and deviant. Unlike what pop culture and society show, it is possible to have a fulfilling, nonsexual romantic relationship. Asexuals are proof of this. Chan describes this dynamic: “asexuality destabilizes the way people think about relationships, starting with the belief that passionate bonds must always have sex at the root.”
Learning the difference between sex drive and sexual attraction was revolutionary for me. It put everything into question. Have I felt sexual attraction before, or was I convincing myself I was? I’m still trying to answer that question. It has forced me to reflect on every intimate encounter I’ve had: did I want to kiss them, or did I feel it necessary because we were in a relationship? I had never seen or heard of being in a relationship that didn’t measure the level of intimacy based on sex.
Our understanding of intimacy, passion, affection, and relationships alter when we accept that sex isn’t the end all, be all. Some people have sex three times a day while others have sex three times a year; this does not automatically reflect the status or “success” of those relationships and partnerships. Asexuality opens the door for all people to question the relationships in their lives and understand that someone’s sex life doesn’t measure their standard of love.
Navigating the dating pool within a society dominated by compulsory sexuality is difficult, especially for asexual people. Casey Clark documented her dating journey as a queer, asexual woman. She found that many people were unwilling to explore nonsexual relationships: “usually, after I disclose my asexuality, whatever I have going with a potential partner fizzles out. I’m automatically labeled as ‘prude’ or ‘scared’ for being asexual; or, the other person internalizes it as something wrong with them that makes me uninterested in getting physical with them.” The concept of being in a non-physical relationship is made out to be like some mystical creature or common myth.
But, being in a happy non-physical relationship is possible! Maria shared in a Buzzfeed article that they felt a deeper connection and bond in an ace relationship: “I think the best part of being ace and in a relationship is that we focus much more on the intimate side of romance (without sexual attraction there to distract me) and the emotions that go alongside it. The bonds I have formed in relationships have felt much deeper than those in relationships that form just because the parties want to bang each other."
Asexuality dismantles the power of compulsory sexuality and teaches us that sex doesn’t define our relationships or who we are. Everyone deserves the opportunity to explore both worlds - sexual relationships and nonsexual relationships.
By Abby Stuckrath