Observed during the last full week of every October, Ace Week—formerly Asexuality Awareness Week—is a time to center the voices, perspectives, and experiences of the broad community of persons who identify anywhere along the asexual spectrum. It’s also a time for all of us—aces and especially allies—to commit to the conscious erosion of the odious dogmas of allonormativity.
Not sure what that means? You’re not alone: for many people, allonormativity is an unrecognized concept, though one still subtly smuggled into our day-to-day lives through cultural conditioning. Here, we’ll help you learn not only what it is, but also how you can identify it, name it, and join us in working toward diminishing the grasp it has on our culture at large.
What is Asexuality?
Before we dive into discussion of allonormativity, let’s spend a moment getting clear on asexuality. Put quite simply, asexuality is the lived experience through which particularly sexual attraction to other persons plays little to no role in how a person understands, interprets, or experiences themselves or their relation to the world around them, including other persons. Asexual—often shortened to ace—is a sexual identity corresponding to such lived experience. It’s estimated that about 1.7 percent of the general population is ace.
If you read that paragraph again, you’ll notice that the spectrum of potential experiences of asexuality is quite broad. Some aces experience varieties of attraction other than sexual attraction, such as romantic, emotional, or aesthetic attraction—among others. Some aces explore non-monogamy, some explore kink and BDSM, and some do none of the above. And since sexual attraction is not the same thing as either sexual desire or sexual behavior, some aces even want, have, and enjoy sex.
At the end of the day, if someone discloses to you that they’re ace without any further elaboration, you know very little about their interests, preferences, attractions, desires, or behavior. Really, all you know is the simple fact that sexual attraction toward other persons plays little to no role in how they move through the world.
What is Allonormativity?
Allo- is a prefix meaning “other,” while normativity is the coercive force of socially and culturally conditioned attitudes, guidelines, rules, or restrictions about how we are expected to live our lives. Building off of the combination of the two, allonormativity is the socially and culturally conditioned attitude according to which allosexuality—that is, the consistent experience of sexual attraction toward other persons—is the privileged default, and any other way of being or experiencing the self or the world is in some way deviant, defective, deficient, or delusional.
Allonormativity is what tells us that if we’re not interested in sex or relationships, we are somehow broken, undesirable, or both. Rather than simply manifesting a natural variation of human experience, we are somehow in need of treatment—we need, that is, to be fixed.
Allonormativity is what tells us that asexual identity isn’t “real,” or that it’s just a phase until you eventually “meet the right person.” It’s what tells us that aces are doomed to lonely and empty lives, devoid of love, intimacy, or meaningful connection.
Allonormativity is what tells us that “everyone is a little bit demisexual” or that other identities within the asexual spectrum—such as greysexual—are just “some Gen Z TikTok thing.”
Allonormativity is what tells us that asexuality isn’t a valid sexual identity at all, but is instead just a manifestation of past or current traumas or some variety of biological, psychological, or social dysfunction.
In other words: allonormativity is absolute and utter nonsense.
pushing back against allonormativity
Insofar as its restrictive and demanding social and conceptual scripts artificially narrow the scope of “acceptable” human behavior and experience, allonormativity isn’t good for anyone—asexual or allosexual. So what can we do about it?
Notice It & Name It
Now that you know what allonormativity is, you’ll probably start to see it everywhere. It’s in the shows and movies we watch, the books we read, the fairytales we were told as a child—and in the stories we often tell ourselves. Be mindful, and when you see it, name it: say that’s allonormativity, right there.
Don’t Forgot to Look Inward
Remember to notice and name your own internalized allonormativity, too. When you tease your friend for “moving too slowly” in becoming sexual with a partner; derisively belittle someone as “a virgin;” or even tell yourself that since you don’t particularly enjoy sex, you’ll always be alone—these are all examples of internalized allonormativity.
The process of inward reflection might be uncomfortable, but its work worth doing.
Center Ace Voices, perspectives, and experiences
As you actively notice, name, and question the allonormative narratives you find both in and around you, actively consider: do things have to be this way? What would alternatives look like?
Educators, activists, and creators such as Yasmin Benoit, Aubri Lancaster, and Ace Dad Advice are all fantastic sources of information and perspective on asexuality, as is Angela Chen’s wonderful book, Ace: What Asexuality Reveals About Desire, Society, and the Meaning of Sex. You might check out AVEN (the Aexuality Visibility and Education Network), too.
And if you have any asexuality persons in your life (which, odds are, you do): listen to them.
Practice, Practice, Practice
Allonormativity runs deep, in both an individual and a cultural sense. You’re not going to notice-and-name your way out of it overnight: I’ve been identifying as asexual for years now, and I still struggle with that internalized nonsense. This isn’t a shortcoming or a failure, but rather an acknowledgment that deconstructing and unlearning deep-seated cultural narratives takes both time and practice. Hell, even the practice takes practice.
Don’t get me wrong: I like being ace, but living in an allonormative world is a struggle. I’m sure that many of those of you identifying anywhere along the broad asexual spectrum would agree. So, while we all need to step in and step up to question and challenge allonormative dogmas, what would help us aces out the most is if our allosexual allies made it a priority to actively erode cultures of allonormativity, too.
So, allies: remember the above suggestions. Carry them with you, and let them move you as we all, individually and collectively, work toward eroding allonormativity during Ace Week and beyond.
Written by Ley David Elliette Cray, PhD (she/they), GSRD (Gender, Sexuality, and Relationship Diversity) Content Specialist for the Sexual Health Alliance.
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