If we take a moment to think about our favorite sexual encounters, what do they have in common? Were we thinking about a problem at work, or were we too busy enjoying the deliciousness of those experiences? Regardless of whether we were by ourselves or with other people, our minds were probably really focused on what was going on at that moment. We were there. Perhaps we didn’t know it at that time, but by being in a space where our thoughts weren’t so loud that we couldn’t direct our attention to what we were feeling, we were being mindful. But the truth is, that’s not always the case. A lot of times during sex, our minds can be in a completely different place—and maybe that’s happened for so long that we think that’s how it’s always going to be. If you identify with this, or are maybe struggling with a specific issue related to sex, mindfulness can be a marvelous tool to connect (or reconnect) with your sexuality.
Mindfulness has been presented in some contexts as a beneficial practice for mental health, gaining a lot of popularity given the rapid escalating rates of depression and anxiety. While mindfulness is commonly associated with these mental health benefits, its positive impact extends to matters related to sexuality, too. And it makes all the sense in the world that the calmer we are and the more presence we can find, the more likely we are to feel pleasure. But do we actually pay attention to our heads in relation to sex? The physical act involves our bodies, yet the psychological realm within our minds significantly influences the quality of these experiences.
So what is mindfulness?
Mindfulness involves directing our attention to the present moment, fostering awareness without judgment, and with a mindset of openness, curiosity, and acceptance. While meditation serves as a method, alternative approaches such as using the breath, engaging the senses, or repeating a mantra can help us focus. In the context of sexual experiences, incorporating the principles of mindfulness means cultivating an awareness when connecting with one’s sexuality and adopting a more patient and compassionate approach.
Mindfulness in sexuality
Sexual encounters often carry a goal-oriented mindset, in the sense that sometimes we want to only feel pleasure and ultimately have an orgasm while also aiming to avoid negative experiences in sex. However, challenges inevitably arise, and it’s normal for issues to occur. It makes sense for us to want to escape an uncomfortable situation or sense of frustration. Mindfulness promotes the idea of accepting all kinds of feelings and situations instead of drifting away and qualifying something as “good” or “bad.”
I get it. It’s easier said than done to just turn off the loud noise that’s coming from your mind, as if it were as simple as pushing a button—it’s no wonder why it’s referred to as the “monkey mind” in some strands of Buddhism. For some of us, it’s easy to drift away in an ocean of thoughts and get carried away by never-ending loops of thinking. After a typical day that usually involves working, multitasking, and problem-solving, changing that mindset to a relaxed, sensual session can be a challenge. Stress has become part of our lives for a lot of us, and it can lead to negative effects when it comes to sex.
Try to be intentional about the practice of observing your thought process the next time you masturbate or have sex with someone else. What’s going through your mind? Remember, do it from a place of non-judgment. You are just practicing being an observer of your mind. If you’re interested in learning more about how to be in the present moment and have more tools for it, we highly recommend reading the book, The Power of Now, by Eckhart Tolle.
Mindfulness as a way to treat sexual dysfunctions
Sexual difficulties are extremely common, but we don’t talk about them that often. The conversational exchange around sex usually highlights the positive aspects and doesn’t include the complications that can arise—many of which are quite normal. We often assume that sex should be effortless, that having problems with it (or during it) is not okay, and that everyone else has perfect sex lives. This leads people who are dealing with an issue, dysfunction, or any kind of sex-related problem to potentially feel alone, embarrassed, or as if there is something abnormal or wrong with them. The good news is, mindfulness can be a way to treat these matters.
The term mindfulness derives from ancient Buddhist philosophy and is the translation of the concept of “Sati,” making reference to present moment awareness. While this concept can be traced back to 500 BC, it largely remained in the East until the 1970’s and it’s expansion was mainly due to Jon Kabat-Zinn, who developed the therapeutic approach to mindfulness and created the MBSR (Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction) program to treat chronic pain. This practice has evolved and confirmed to work as a way to treat other matters. To take one example: Dr. William Master and Virginia E. Johnson pioneer researchers for human sexual response—incorporated the principles of mindfulness when they created the Sensate Focus technique.
Lori Brotto is a psychologist who has dedicated much of her academic career to researching the effects that mindfulness has on sexual function. One study focused on women with arousal and desire difficulties, where the practice of mindfulness revealed significant improvements on sexual response. The results found in this and other aspects of her research reflect the amazing effects mindfulness can have on sexuality; you can read about them in her book Better Sex through Mindfulness, which also includes some instructions for mindfulness practices focused on improving sexual experience.
Some small ways to start practicing
When having a sexual encounter with someone else or with yourself, let go of expectations, of how you think or want it to go and instead, just let it be. Bring all of your attention to your body and use your senses to become more aware of what’s going on and get creative to find ways to involve all five of them. Tantra-based practices, like eye gazing, can be excellent ways to practice mindfulness during sexual encounters. Use your breath to help you relax, and as a tool in case your mind starts wandering away. Observe what your thoughts on the act are and if your mind starts leaving to another place, don’t worry—just go back to focusing on your breath. Remember that orgasm is not the goal and instead approach your experience of sex with curiosity, a playful attitude, and an open mind.
If this sounds appealing to you, explore the effect that mindfulness can have in your sexuality.
Written by Natalia Lozano.
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