I’ll be the first to admit it: I love being the little spoon. There’s just something about that feeling of being embraced in a tight, warm grip that makes me imagine this is what a nice toasty bun in the oven feels like. Unfortunately, I am always subjected to being the big spoon—and while I don’t mind it, who doesn’t like to be on the receiving end of intimate and a personal bear grip? Personally, the only form of cuddling I do is in the context of romantic interactions in which I engage in non-sexual touch to reaffirm my feelings and connection with my partner. However, there are groups of individuals who engage in consensual, non-romantic cuddling as part of a deeper understanding of themselves in relation to desire, consent, and constraints. Called “cuddle parties,” these events aim to bring people together through the art of cuddles.
WHAT IS A CUDDLE PARTY?
Cuddle parties are social events where adults are allowed to explore communication, boundaries, and affection through physical touch. These interactions, which usually happen amongst strangers, are completely platonic and have no sexual requirements —instead, participants are free to navigate the cuddle space to interact with other people and create new, friendly dynamics.
With cuddle parties, there is more than just physical touch and cuddles. The social event is aimed at providing a structured setting in which participants are able to connect with their core values related to boundaries and intimacy. Facilitated by “certified facilitators,” participants utilize the space to practice the art of saying no to unwanted physical touch, and also asking for it when they like. More than this, cuddle parties allow a space for free-flowing conversation in a safe environment.
Above all, it is important to remember that cuddle parties are spaces dedicated to interactions with other beings aided by the sensation of cuddling. Participants “use their body as a ‘central marker’ to make claim to their personal space”, and have full autonomy over what happens with it, who is allowed to touch, and who is not allowed to.
WHAT HAPPENS AT CUDDLE PARTIES
What exactly happens at a cuddle party? Typically, cuddle parties last roughly two hours at a predetermined time and location (though there have been virtual cuddle parties!). Upon arrival, you’ll sign in and change into your jammies, and then join the group for a welcome circle and mini-workshop which includes a brief synopsis of the principle of the cuddle party, along with the rules. There is a list of rules all cuddle party participants must adhere to. These rules are set in place to create a comfortable space that allows individuals to divulge in their bodily autonomy: should these rules be broken, the consequences are at the discretion of the certified facilitator. The first six go as follows:
Pajamas stay on the whole time
You don’t have to cuddle anyone at a Cuddle Party, ever.
You must ask permission and receive a verbal YES before you touch anyone. (Be as specific in your request as you can.)
If you’re a yes, say YES. If you’re a no, say NO.
If you’re a maybe, say NO.
You are encouraged to change your mind.
When a participant says no, others are encouraged to respond by saying “thank you for taking care of yourself.”
Among other rules, there is strictly no sex, and participants are strongly discouraged from drinking or taking any substances beforehand. After the main course of cuddles, there is a closing circle where participants reflect on the past two hours.
Note that some (but not all) cuddle parties require a fee, usually explained as compensating for the space, snacks, and the certified facilitators time and expertise.
TESTIMONIALS ABOUT CUDDLE PARTIES
One person—who had always struggled with boundaries, both as a child and as a dominatrix—attended a cuddle party and described exercises that occurred while the facilitator was discussing the rules. This exercise includes asking verbal consent for physical touch from the person next to you. It took this individual a second time visiting a cuddle party to fully immerse themselves in the experience of being able to say no to various people’s advances. In turn, they were able to be more aware of their feelings in relation to touch, and were able to apply what they learned from the cuddle party to their social interactions outside of it.
Another person expressed surprise with just how firm they were able to be with their boundaries, and said it was the space and environment that allowed them to feel and behave in that manner. They make an interesting observation: “Saying ‘no’ is hard for me, but from now on, I'm trying not to even think of it as a choice. I have a duty to refrain from anything I don't consent to, just as I have a duty to refrain from anything someone else does not consent to.”
A blog post on the Huffington Post described one user's inability to find someone to cuddle, much to the author’s dismay. The author describes asking other participants for cuddles, and then establishing their boundaries by saying no. Though this might be a lighthearted piece, it seems to miss the idea that cuddle parties are about curating a safe and open environment to say no to cuddles, not just about the act of cuddling alone.
An ethnography by Cornelia Mayr discusses data pertaining to the social impact of cuddle parties, collected through participant-observation, interviews, and diaries from her time there. Mayr findings reveal “ the ways in which the experiences of nonsexual touch are embodied in ‘performative body’ rituals that are shaped by spatial and verbal boundary markers.” Cuddle parties act as more of an agent for boundaries than for the actual cuddles: through the process of cuddling and asking for consent, people can apply this philosophy to other areas and aspects of their life.
FINDING A CUDDLE PARTY FOR YOURSELF
Want to go to a cuddle party and see what it's like for yourself? Cuddle Party Inc. is a non-profit charitable organization that specializes in educating the public about cuddle parties as well as providing training to be a Certified Facilitator. On their website, you can find upcoming events and where they’re located, as well as if there is a fee or not. Ticket vendor EventBrite is also a space where you can find ticketed events to Cuddle Parties. If you’re also interested in becoming a Certified Facilitator for cuddle parties, Cuddle Party Inc. provides training and certification programs, and Cuddlist.com provides programs for people to become a professional cuddle therapist.
Written by Destiny Maldonado
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