Why it might be time to call a sex therapist's office...

Healthy sexuality discourse– an open, bias-free, sex-positive, and inclusive discussion on sexuality–has opened exciting new doors to understanding the importance of sex therapy. However, the path from finding a sex therapist to discussing your problems with them might be more challenging than one thinks. Not every person finds themselves in situations where talking about sexuality is the new normal, where they can easily pick up the phone and call for help. 

Most of us still feel oppressed and burdened with sweeping our sexual lives under the rug before anyone gets a chance to color it with their offensive opinions. Thus, in such instances, it might be harder to figure out when we need professional help and what steps to take further. Who to ask? Who to tell? So, if you’re having trouble deciding when, and how to start the process, read on. Let’s first identify and understand the key ingredients of sex therapy and how it is different from other therapeutic interventions. 

Understanding Sex Therapy 

Sex therapy is primarily a form of psychotherapy that, unlike other kinds of therapies, focuses on sexual functioning, desires, and pleasure. It responsibly touches on the patient’s anxieties, feelings, and experiences around their sexual natures and specifically discusses the ins and outs of their sexual hiccups. Other mental health therapies weigh on communicative strategies, whereas, sex therapy dives into this approach from a sexual health point of view. More so, it creates a safe space for individuals with diverse sexual orientations, sexual identities, and relationship structures to reflect on their experiences. Inclusivity is central to the practice of sex therapy. 

Sex therapy is performed by certified sex therapists who have gone through comprehensive professional training. It is not something that any kind of therapist can take up one Monday morning. Thus, it is important to understand for possible clients that if you are dealing with specific sexual stressors such as orgasmic delays, you should not expect your office counselor to help you resolve the issue. There are various directions that sex therapy takes including cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT), mindfulness-based approach, couples communication, and psychotherapy with medications. 

The strategy used is based on the therapist’s specialization and the patient’s unique sexual dysfunction background. For instance, a 2020 study showed that cognitive-behavioral therapy is the most promising option to treat non-organic erectile dysfunction in younger adults. Additionally, CBT has an 88% - 90% success rate when it comes to treating the Female Orgasmic Disorder. Nevertheless, no approach is set in stone. The flow of the therapeutic direction can change throughout your healing journey depending on its outcome and relevance.

Recognizing the Need for Sex Therapy

From ejaculation difficulties to fearing anal sex, sexual complications have a spectrum as wide as the Pacific. Often the problems you’re having might be on the surface such as you’re unable to achieve orgasms, whereas other issues might be hiding behind resentment, anger, or guilt such as feeling shame around sex. Thus, it might be challenging to identify the problem at first fully. But that’s completely okay! It’s part of the long process of healing and evolving. 

So, first things first, let’s see if you relate to any of these signs of sexual toil and trouble. 

1. Desire Discrepancy

As you have your own unique needs and wants in your relationship(s), you’re also likely to have distinctive sexual appetites. This is common and very valid. However, sometimes the discrepancy can be too extreme and create displeasure in the relationship. A 2015 published study further suggests that desire discrepancy can have adverse effects on overall sexual satisfaction. For instance, if you desire to have sex at least five times a week with your partner, and they only prefer getting it on once a week— which can be due to a myriad of reasons— it can cause intolerable friction. The relationship can suffer if you and your partner don’t know how to navigate such extremes. 

Moreover, due to differences in desire you or your partner(s) might even discuss opening up the relationship to improve the overall sexual satisfaction. Wanting more than one pea in a pod is a possible solution to the discrepancy issue. However, if you don’t have the right knowledge to follow the non-monogamous train of thought, the discussion can turn into a resentful battle. Thus, as a couple, if you find yourselves in a rather dire situation due to such differences, take aboard the idea of meeting up with a sex therapist. 

2. Playing an anxious game of Quizlet with your sexuality 

When your sexual identity has been under construction for years and it is undoubtedly leading to tragic consequences in your daily functioning, asking for professional help might just be the prescription you need. A 2022 study suggests that questioning your gender identity and sexuality can challenge your self-concept and sense of coherence. Sexuality exploration can go on and off adventures throughout our lives. As adolescents, yes we are more driven to identify with ourselves and feel the need to fit in somewhere but sexual curiosity is something we take with us into adulthood. You might be a 40-year-old heterosexual woman living in Queens and still constantly wonder about sleeping with all your female colleagues in a dungeon-situated gangbang. You do you, my friend! 

Nevertheless, as humans–be it an adolescent or an adult–your sexual curiosities can only benefit you when you feel encouraged and safe enough to explore them. In a lot of cases, facing external rejection from family and friends about your sexual exploration is the ultimate crusher of all of that built-up curiosity. Consequently, your exciting eager-to-know feelings easily turn into suffocating thoughts and get you stuck in a loop of anxiety and depression. Thus, to navigate through this sexual safari, it’d be best to find some guided support! 

3. Experiencing trauma and shame around sex 

Sex is one of the most intimate experiences that we humans share. It requires a present mind and a positively encouraging approach. With that said, having experienced trauma and shame around sexuality can take away all the pleasure that healthy sex has to offer. When anxiety and shock get attached to sex, it can become almost horrifying to even think about indulging in your sexual desires. Communication about sex becomes as unattainable as squeezing water from a stone. More so, the existence of an unfortunate sex education system that delivers messages like “sex before marriage is a sin,” burdens people with unrealistic and distressing sexual expectations. Attributing shame to sex can result in further sexual dysfunctions including the inability to orgasm, feeling guilt, and disgust after a sexual experience like masturbation, and unhealthy compulsive behaviors. Accordingly, sex therapy can effectively help get rid of the shame, struggle, and fear that sex brings to you. It can further improve your ability to detach anxiety from your future pleasurable experiences. 

Finding the Right Sex Therapist

To tell you that the right match is just around the corner might be corny but it is true! Finding an ideal sex therapist might take time and a truckload of patience, but it is certainly possible. When scouting alone or with your partner(s), it would be best to make a list of everything you are and aren’t looking for in a sex therapist. It is possible (and acceptable) that you and your partner(s) will have different needs and wants when finding crème de la crème help. So, sit together and explain your unique necessities to find a compatible therapist for both of you. I mean, it’s called couples counseling for a reason. 

After making the list, look for therapists and sex therapy organizations that specialize in the issues you’d like to discuss and resolve. You can go into search mode with the AASECT referral directory or Stellar Pro. Be as specific as you can be with the details. For instance, if you’re seeking a therapist who is Kink-Informed or Polyamorous Certified, make sure to scan through their credentials including SHA and AASECT licensure. More so, here are some potential questions you can ask your consulting therapist: 

1. What will happen during a regular session? What can I expect as a new patient?

2. What therapeutic techniques do you usually use?

3. What do you expect from your patients?

4. How much does one session cost? What kind of insurance do you accept?

At last, only you can identify, feel, relate, and come to the conclusion that you need to seek help from a sex therapist. The more you delay, the more issues will pile up and cause more frustration and dysfunctionalities. The potential benefits of sex therapy including enhanced intimacy, improved sexual knowledge, reduced stress and anxiety, and trauma recovery are all worth it to give it a try! You deserve to enhance your sexual satisfaction and improve the quality of your lived experiences. Yes, I am talking to you, my friend. Put your sexual life in front of a mirror and see what it really looks like. If it brings any discomfort or causes defects in your other daily routines, you have to act pronto. Take that next step, and call a sex therapist’s office for a consultation. 

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Written by: Shreya Tomar