Check out our short interview with social worker and certified sex therapist Molly Adler.
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5-Minutes of Fame with Ryan Scoats
Dr. Ryan Scoats, specializes in the sociology of gender, sexuality and sexual behavior; in particular, threesomes and group sex.
Tell us about yourself and your career.
My academic career started in 2010 when I undertook a master’s in research and sociology with the hope that this would start me on the academic path. My initial interests related to masculinity and how young men were engaging with each other in more intimate, less homophobic ways. During some time spent away from studies, teaching English in Japan, I read a book by my former supervisor on monogamy and infidelity: The Monogamy Gap. This book in particular piqued my interest and opened me up to the prospect of studying not only masculinities, but monogamy as well. This in turn lead to an interest in consensual non-monogamy and finally my PhD in threesomes.
I am now an assistant professor of sociology in the UK and have had some fantastic opportunities to help educate others around consensual non-monogamy, and in particular, threesomes. As someone who is not shy talking about sex, I love to engage with others to help dispel some of the myths around sex and relationship practices. I also find academic research a fascinating pursuit and hope that my growing body of research on threesomes can help encourage future sexology research.
When I’m not reading, writing, talking, or teaching sex, I like to get outside climbing, cycling and camping. Unfortunately, British weather can make this a little difficult, so board games and a pub with a fire are also a good option.[RS1]
· What are the top 3 items on your bucket list?
To Visit Chernobyl
To travel down the Norwegian Fjords by kayak
To spend time working somewhere extremely remote (like the Antarctic)
· Who is your sexual role model?
To pin down one role model is tricky, but there are certainly lots of people I have huge respect for. For example, I really admire Dan Savage and how he uses rational thinking (rather than knee-jerk reaction) when delving into people’s unusual sexual experiences. I think a lot of people would automatically stigmatise and chastise these people, whereas he doesn’t. In terms of other scholars, the work of people like Katherine Frank is often quite astounding in its level of detail and insight, particularly regarding group sex. Then there is my academic mentor, Eric Anderson, who has guided me in my studies since my undergraduate degree and still provides a lot of wisdom.
· What is some bad advice you have heard people in our field give out?
If your partner is sexually interested in someone else, this means they no longer love you.
· At SHA our goal is to provide therapists & healthcare providers with high-quality sexuality training because they often receive little to no education in sexual health. What is the most important piece about sex that you want all providers to know? What you want them to incorporate into their practice?
Many people have and engage in a wide and varied range of sexual practices and interests. Just because a sexual interest is niche, or something you have not come across before, it doesn’t necessarily mean that it is a harmful practice or is a symptom of some other deficiency. Try not to project your own sexual ethics and preferences onto others and judge them for their difference.
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5 Minutes of Fame with David Prescott
Taylor Spaziani interviews David Prescott for 5 Minutes of Fame with SHA ✨
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Dr. Jess O-Reilly Plays 20 Questions with SHA!
About Dr. Jess
Jess O’Reilly began working as a sexuality counsellor in 2001 and she has never looked back! Her PhD studies involved the development of training programs in sex education for teachers and her education and undergraduate degrees focused on equity and sexual diversity.
Her training includes courses in counselling skills, healthy relationships, resolving sexual concerns, sex education, clinical sexology, sexual development, sex and disability, group therapy and Cognitive Behavioural Therapy.
Alongside her academic and television credits, Dr. Jess is also an accomplished author with three best-selling titles. Her latest, The New Sex Bible, has received rave reviews from professionals and clients alike and her first book Hot Sex Tips,Tricks and Licks is in its fourth print! Look for her monthly column in Post City or catch her on Tuesday mornings on Global TV’s The Morning Show, Wednesdays on 102.1 The Edge and Saturdays on PlayboyTV.
Dr. Jess’ work experience includes contracts with school boards, social services agencies, community health organizations and private corporations. A sought-after speaker, her sessions always attract a full-house at conferences and entertainment events alike.
Check out more about Dr. Jess!
Dr. Jess O-Reilly Plays 20 Questions with SHA!
“You’re the ultimate expert in your own sexuality and pleasure.”
The Sexual Health Alliance (SHA) is centered around providing Provocative Dialogue and Radical Collaboration. What would radical collaboration look like for you?
To me, radical collaboration involves sharing my business and working with industry peers who don’t have the same opportunities and privilege as I do. This might involve referring out services to folks who are better qualified to speak on specific issues (e.g. Black sexuality, sex for people with disabilities). It also involves sharing resources, insights and experiences for low/no cost to those in financial need. And at times, it involves sharing the financial profits on specific projects (e.g. collaborating on products like books, video courses and speaking engagements).
As a prominent sexuality professional, you have made a wonderful career as a sex educator. What would you recommend to young educators or therapists wanting to follow in your footsteps?
Ask for help. Don’t be afraid to reach out and ask for the support of your peers and potential mentors. Many of us want to help and if you’re very specific with your request (e.g. Can I pick your brain? is too broad, but Could you look over this introductory paragraph of my book proposal? is more manageable), you’ll probably receive a positive reply.
What book(s) are you reading right now?
I’m rereading Life and Death in Shanghai.
What’s the most important thing you talk about with your clients?
Custom-designing their relationships. There is no one-size-fits-all approach and you can make almost any arrangement work if you’re not burdened by social pressure.
What are the top 3 items on your bucket list?
1. I’d like to build an affordable housing building in my hometown of Toronto and see if we can grow the project to be sustainable; eventually, I’d like to continue to build additional units.
2. I’d like to adopt a child.
3. I want to live to be 100+.
One of our goals is to provide all therapists and healthcare providers with high quality sexuality training because they often receive little to no education in sexual health. What is the most important piece about sex that you want all providers to know? What would you want them to incorporate into their practice?
I’d like every professional to understand that our personal sex and relationship lenses can be completely irrelevant to our clients/patients’ lived experience. This doesn’t mean that our work isn’t shaped by personal experience, but simply that we need to be aware of our own biases and limits. And we need to be more aware of our layers of privilege related to race, gender, income, education, ability, nation of birth, relationship status, social status and professional roles.
What are your top 2 books that have influenced you and why?
Give and Take by Adam Grant. This was an affirming read, as he shares stories and data suggesting that good people do finish first in life and in business.
Our Bodies, Ourselves. I read this many, many years ago when I was in school and it offered such an important perspective on so many different topics. I know they’ve updated it since then and I’ve been meaning to go back to it and read the new version, so thanks for the reminder!
What is bad advice you have heard other people in our field give?
I still hear professionals talk about other cultures and countries as though they’re monoliths that they understand because they worked with clients from a specific culture or they lived in a place for a few months or years. If you’re not a part of a group or culture, elevate the voice of someone from that group instead of speaking for or about them. Nothing about us without us.
Who is your sexual role model?
That’s a great question! I’m not sure I know enough about anyone else’s sex life to call them a role model. Marla Renee Stewart is a general role model — personally and professionally — and I believe she has very happy relationships — sexual and otherwise.
SHA utilizes social media to reach our members as well as to find new sexuality content and research, how do you think social media has influenced our culture’s sexuality?
I’m so thankful for the reach and impact of social media. Putting the power of broadcast into individual hands (instead of allowing it to rest in the hands of a few corporations) has shifted and broadened the content we consume. Accounts like @SexPositiveFamilies, for example, disseminate essential information that mainstream (old) media would never have touched. Research shows that digital consumption and connections can foster digital empathy, galvanize support, create feelings of belonging and build community. Of course, social media is still owned by a few corporations and we don’t have access to how they disseminate our posts, so we have to be mindful that new media also has its limitations.
Our team finds podcasts, youtube and other social media platforms sometimes more educational and useful than traditional models. Do you think social media should have a place in formal training, and if so, how much?
There are accounts that offer high-quality, evidence-based information and there are also powerful accounts that provide misinformation. I think it’s important to analyze media (including social media) in all training and examine messages and biases. Part of all learning processes involves developing and tuning our critical thinking skills and I believe that we can certainly use social media as both a lens and subject.
What made you create your Happily ever after approach to working with couples?
I work primarily with folks who run or own businesses. They’re passionate about their work and they claim that their family is the most important aspect of their lives, but they don’t always act like it. Our Marriage As a Business approach involves applying business practices and acumen to intimate relationships. This might entail hosting board meetings (relationship check-ins), building a support team (e.g. therapists and babysitters), respecting timelines (e.g. showing up to dinner on time), planning ahead (e.g. carving out time weeks, months or even a year in advance).
As a Canadian born, Chinese-Jamaican and Irish by descent person, what has been the most challenging aspect of working in this field?
My gender, appearance and (perceived) ethnicity provide me with both privilege and challenges. As a woman talking about a sensitive topic in the public eye, I draw considerable criticism, harassment and personal attacks — on Instagram, Twitter, Facebook, my website contact form and even on LinkedIn. I ignore most of it, but sometimes it does feel like death by a thousand paper cuts. Luckily, I have a lot of support too. And I love life and I’m lucky in so many ways, so I try not to expend my energy on the harassment.
Where is your next dream vacation?
I’m not sure. I have a big birthday coming up in February and I’m deciding between Tuscany, Japan and Jamaica. Help me choose!
What are 2 of the most important things you do everyday?
If I’m home, my partner makes me a decaf macchiato or cortado in a small double-wall glass, which I try to take the time to enjoy without reading, working or scrolling. The glassware and all the details add to my enjoyment; he weighs the beans, grinds them with a beautiful manual grinder, pulls the shots at the right pace and warms the milk to the perfect temperature. It sounds pretentious, but I don’t care, because it’s delicious.
I don’t have many rituals, because I’m on the road most of the time and everything is always changing. But I do make time to enjoy myself wherever I go — even if I only have a few hours in a new city or country, I try to walk to a local third-wave coffee shop or market to get a pulse on local life. If I have time for lunch, I always treat myself to something delicious. Food is my love language and working in the food industry is a part of my family background.
What’s your favorite place you’ve traveling to for you job and why?
It’s hard to pick a favorite place, but Istanbul certainly stands out as a highlight. The people are always so warm and gracious. The rich culture, history and architecture overwhelm me. And the food is so delicious and varied. I hope to return again soon.
What’s the most challenging aspect of being in business with your partner, Brandon? (They are married)
Me. I’m the most challenging aspect. He’s much easier to work with.
We don’t work together full-time. He helps out to co-host the podcast, but he has his own unrelated business that keeps him very busy.
The most challenging aspect relates to my travel schedule. I love travel and I love flying and dealing with the unpredictability of new surroundings, but I do miss being physically together. This was a challenge for several years, but he travels with me far more often now, as he has more flexibility with his business.
What’s your favorite story to tell?
I’m a storyteller. As they say, a story doesn’t have to be true to be good. Ha!
But here’s a true one:
On a flight from Denver to Albuquerque a few years ago, a guy threw up all over me as the plane landed. Instead of just vomiting, he tried to keep it in his cheeks and so the trajectory changed and it sprayed everywhere — all over me and in the hair of the couple in front of us. People were dry heaving all around us and I was just hoping that no one else would vomit. I remember thinking that if one more person vomits, the whole plane is going to become a vomit comet. I don’t know why I picked that story, but it just popped into my head.
If you want something sexuality-related:
One time I was at a sex club and two people high fived on the bed next to us while exclaiming, “Oh yeah. This is so hot! And it’s a great workout, so we can skip the gym tomorrow!”. This was their dirty talk and it got them all riled up, but it killed the vibe for me and some of the others in close proximity.
Another time, as lady who was 7+ months pregnant stopped me and asked if I could help her figure out a good position for DP (double penetration) given her big belly. This was a time when I was reminded that they definitely don’t teach you everything you need to know in school.
Your bio says you like airplane turbulence! Can you tell us more about why you like it?
I just love airplanes — I love flying in them, talking about them, reading about them. And I like the physical thrill of a little turbulence — especially in a bigger plane. I will reroute to fly on a cool plane (e.g. the 787-9) and I hope to train as a pilot someday.
Being trained in sex & disabilities, can you give us some tips on why discussing disability is important?
All sexual health education needs to be inclusive and this includes talking about sex as it relates to race, ethnicity, gender identity, sexual orientation, relationship arrangement, income, and disability. I facilitated sessions on sex and disability early on in my career and now I’ve learned that I should pass the mic and advocate for paying opportunities for fellow sexologists who have disabilities. There are many qualified folks who simply don’t get the same paid opportunities as I do because of ableism.
When we leave folks with disabilities out of the conversation, we reinforce inaccurate stereotypes and put them at greater risk, as sexual health education produces positive health outcomes regardless of whether or not you have a disability.
What's an important take away from your new book The New Sex Bible?
Do what feels good for you. Don’t worry about what the experts or your friends have to say. You’re the ultimate expert in your own sexuality and pleasure.
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Sexual Health Alliance Trailer with Dr. Jess O'Reilly!
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SOLD OUT - STUDY ABROAD IN AMSTERDAM WITH DR. JUSTIN LEHMILLER!
We added another week for everyone that didn’t make it into the first one!
STUDY ABROAD IN AMSTERDAM WITH DR. JUSITN LEHMILLER!
SEXUAL HEALTH ALLIANCE IS PROUD TO ANNOUNCE A STUDY ABROAD COURSE THAT INCLUDES ELEMENTS OF CULTURAL IMMERSION AND EXPERIENTIAL FIELD TRIPS
Sexual Health Alliance 5 day study abroad program will be cutting edge, transformational and exceed your expectations of studying human sexuality in a different culture and country. If you’ve seen Dr. Justin Lehmiller before in any capacity, you know this will be an incredible week learning from a Harvard Award Winning Educator and professor and his stellar guest speakers. This will be unlike any conference or program we have conducted as it includes elements of immersion, experiential and educational excursions.
So many people flooded the registration for our first study abroad program that we sold out quicker than expected! We just added a second week and section and it’s already filling quickly as well. Attendees are inviting their friends and partners so they can share in the excursions which include:
Exploring the Red Light District
Presentation and Q&A with sex workers at the Prostitution Information Center
Bicycle tour of the city (note: for students who are not experienced with biking, an alternative walking tour will be arranged)
Four hour food tour of a historic Dutch neighborhood and market
Indonesian rijsttafel (rice table) dinner (Indonesian cuisine is extremely popular in the Netherlands!)
Sunset boat cruise on the canals of Amsterdam
MAY 2ND - MAY 7TH, 2020 —> SOLD OUT!!
NEW! SECOND SECTION: MAY 9TH - MAY 14TH
BELOW IS THE LINK TO RESERVE YOUR SPOT FOR THIS SECOND SECTION!
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MONOGAMISH! THE TOUR!
WE’RE TAKING MONOGAMISH! ON THE ROAD TO A COUPLE OF OUR REGIONS. SEE THE TOUR IN DFW, LA/Culver City AND IN DENVER THIS FALL!
Monogamish! The Tour is a two part series that we started in Austin, TX in early 2018. We had two powerhouses, Dr. Elisabeth Sheff and Dr. David Ley teach a two day workshop on Monogamish Relationships.
Dr. Elisabeth Sheff
Dr. “Eli” Sheff is the foremost academic expert on polyamorous families with children.
Dr. David Ley
Dr. David J. Ley is an internationally-recognized expert on issues related to sexuality, pornography and mental health.
It was so popular we are now taking it to some of our other regions including Denver, Colorado, Culver City/ LA, California and Dallas/ Fort Worth, Texas this fall. We are super excited to add open relationship expert, Tristan Taormino to the lineup in Culver City as well!
This also serves as a level 1 certificate toward full CNM Certification. Gain CEUs towards your Consensual Non-Monogamy Certification provided by the Sexual Health Alliance.
Tristan Taormino
Tristan Taormino is an award-winning author, columnist, editor, and sex educator.
Part 2 of this series will take place in Austin, TX this November with Toronto based relationship expert, Dr. Jess O’Reilly alongside Dr. Elisabeth Sheff. We are looking forward to this second weekend on this topic as we will take a deep dive into the advanced concepts of different variations of the monogamist and polyamorous continuum. The Sexceptional Lecture Saturday afternoon will be on the Dangers and Pleasures of Unicorn Hunting. A topic that is often discussed in the communities as many couples seek this type of relationship.
This is a level 2 certificate toward full certification.Gain CEUs towards your Consensual Non-Monogamy Certification provided by the Sexual Health Alliance. However, level 1 is not required to join this part 2 workshop.
Dr. Jess O’Reilly
Jessica O’Reilly (@SexWithDrJess) is a sex and relationship expert and the founder of Happier Couples Inc. which provides relationship education (online and via retreats) to couples across the globe.
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Watch Dr. David Ley Camming!
Watch one of our advisory board members (with the Sexual Health Alliance), Dr. David Ley, in a live Stripchat room discuss the latest research on the origins of sexual shame, online infidelity, and sex addiction! Stripchat has never had a live cam show with a sexual health professional, and David made it the highest-rated cam show that entire day! Max Bennet, Vice President of New Media at Stripchat says, “Cam users are passionate about cams, but the outside world doesn’t always understand why people love cams so much. There is so much misinformation and so much shame about sexuality, that this was a chance to dispel the myths, and talk to an expert what science actually says."
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SHA Teams Up with Stripchat for AMA with Dr. David Ley!
SHA teams up with stripchat!
Stripchat Partners with Sex Addiction Experts for Cam Session Series
Sexual Health Alliance is partnering with Stripchat to bring clinical psychologists, sex researchers and relationship therapists onto its global cam platform to answer questions about sex addiction and online infidelity. The initiative will kick off Aug 1, 2019, with an hour-long cam session with our trusted advisor, Dr. David Ley.
“Cam users are passionate about cams, but the outside world doesn’t always accept,” says Max Bennet, Vice President of New Media at Stripchat. “Cam fans are more likely than other adult fans to struggle with shame and anxiety about their desires. This is a chance for them to get past some of the myths and stigma around porn, and talk to an expert what science actually says.”
A recent internal study from Stripchat showed that 42% of cam fans had experienced some anxiety about the time spent watching cams, with 11% reporting frequent or constant anxiety. Married viewers exhibit more anxiety than single people, with 29% saying they worried their cam use constituted cheating and 31% said it had caused conflicts in their relationship. The numbers were significantly higher for married women and viewers who identified as very religious.
6,000 people responded to a study — Here were some of the questions:
Is watching porn bad for my health?
Does watching cams count as cheating?
How can I stop masturbating?
Is it okay for women to watch cams?
Is it possible to fall in love with a cam star?
SHA Advisory Board member Dr. David Ley will appear on cam to discuss the latest research on the origins sexual shame, online infidelity and sex addiction.
“Sex Addiction: Myths and Facts” will take place on Stripchat on Aug 1, 2019 at 5PM ET.
Users must be logged in in order to ask questions, however no membership to Stripchat is needed to view the session.
Survey data and other information about the initiative are available. READ MORE HERE.
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$1500+ in Prizes and Giveaways!!
Enter the SHA CONTEST AND GIVEAWAYS for a chance to WIN BIG!!
GRAND Prize: Attn: Sex Educators! Who wants to join us for 5 days of business and marketing geekery, a 350-ft Slip-n-Slide, professional peer-to-peer networking, walks in the forest, friend-making, and Smores?! Check out the official Camp Trailer to get a tasted of what people get out of the only sleep-away business retreat for sex-positive professionals… https://reidaboutsex.mykajabi.com/are-you-coming-to-sex-geek-summer-camp
PRIZE: $100 gift card/scholarship to the Wheel of Consent workshop in Austin for SHA Members
Facilitated by River at UncageLove, find out more at bit.ly/WheelofConsent
Prize: $300 Scholarship to SHA Certification Programs OR $150 torward SHA Sexceptional Weekend!
More from Sex Geek Summer Camp!
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Launching Seattle Certification programs! AASECT and SHA
HOW DO I GET CERTIFIED AS A SEX THERAPIST, EDUCATOR OR COUNSELOR THROUGH AASECT IN SEATTLE?
THE SEXUAL HEALTH ALLIANCE (SHA) IS PROUD TO OFFER A FULL SEX THERAPY CERTIFICATION PROGRAM WITH 150+ AASECT CES*!
APPLY NOW HERE
*Includes ALL online classes + 3 in-person weekends in Seattle + Meet & Greet Parties with your cohort + Access to Online resource group and supervisor lists, "Do it for me" AASECT Application - we will fill it out with you, discussion sessions with THE experts, Welcome Swag Bag and more!
You’re joining a community of sex positive professionals. All of our in-person and online trainings are conducted by the top experts in the world. Complete all of your AASECT educational CE requirements with The Sexual Health Alliance!
Cost: $5150 (Payment plans available)
This program meets the requirements of the American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors and Therapists (AASECT) and is approved for AASECT CE credits. These CE credits may be applied toward AASECT certification and renewal of certification. Completion of this program does not ensure or guarantee AASECT certification. For further information please contact ce@aasect.org
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A Personal Interview with Dr. Justin Lehmiller
An Interview with Dr. Justin Lehmiller
Author of Tell Me What You Want: The Science of Sexual Desire and How It Can Help You Improve Your Sex Life
We would like to start by asking you some questions about your most recent book, Tell Me What You Want. You conducted one of the largest and most comprehensive scientific surveys of Americans’ sexual fantasies as the basis for this book. What was your most unexpected finding?
That’s a really tough question because I found so many things that were fascinating and surprising! That said, one finding that was particularly interesting to me was the way that our sexual fantasies seemed to change with age. For instance, I found that threesomes and group sex were more popular fantasies among older adults, whereas passion and romance were more popular fantasies among younger adults. A lot of people would have expected the reverse pattern. As I discuss in the book, I think what’s going on here is that our psychological needs change as we age and, as they do, our sexual fantasies evolve in ways that are designed to meet those needs. So, for example, when we’re younger and perhaps more insecure, our fantasies focus more on making us feel validated; by contrast, when we’re older and have settled into a long-term relationship, our fantasies focus more on breaking sexual routines and fulfilling unmet needs for novelty.
How did you get more than 4,000 people to tell you about their deepest sexual fantasies?
Talking openly about our sexual fantasies is something that many of us find to be intimidating. We’re worried that other people will reject us or judge us for our desires, so rather than talking about our fantasies with our partners, we tend to keep them to ourselves. I was able to bypass a lot of this anxiety by collecting data on people’s sexual fantasies anonymously. When people know that their survey responses will stay anonymous, they become far more willing to talk about sex. The fact that so many people took my survey tells me that people really do want to talk about their fantasies—sadly, however, they just find it a lot easier to tell a stranger over the internet than their partner.
What’s the most common thing that people are fantasizing about?
When looking at people’s biggest fantasy of all time, the single most common sex act that emerged was having a threesome. And when I looked at whether people had ever had a fantasy about threesomes (or group sex more broadly), I found that almost everyone—male and female alike—had done so. However, I should note that BDSM was another sex fantasy that almost everyone reported having at one time or another, too.
Did male and female responders have different desires?
Men and women were surprisingly similar in the types of things they fantasized about. Many of the fantasies that are stereotyped as masculine (like threesomes) or feminine (like emotional fulfillment) were things that a majority of both men and women were fantasizing about. However, there were some important differences that emerged. For instance, women were more likely than men to fantasize about same-sex experiences, whereas men were more likely than women to have gender-bending fantasies (such as crossdressing or having sex with a transgender person). I also found that women were more likely to fantasize about BDSM and to place more emphasis on where they were having sex; by contrast, men reported more taboo sexual fantasies and placed more emphasis on who they were having sex with.
What do a person’s sexual fantasies say about their personality?
My survey results suggest that people with different personalities tend to fantasize about very different things. For example, people who are more extraverted and outgoing tended to have more fantasies about group sex and non-monogamy (after all, they like meeting new people!). Highly agreeable persons (i.e., those who have more care and concern for the well-being of others) were less likely to fantasize about BDSM, infidelity, and emotionless sex—a pattern that makes a lot of sense because they don’t want to hurt anyone and they want to be sure that their partner is enjoying the sex. Also, those who were more neurotic, meaning they don’t handle stress well, were more likely to include calming emotional content in their fantasies (like romance), while they were less likely to fantasize about trying new things—in other words, neurotics’ fantasies seemed to be designed to avoid stressing them out. I discovered many more connections between our personalities and our fantasies, but it seems that, overall, our fantasies reflect who we are and they appear to be designed to meet our unique psychological needs.
Were there any sexual fantasies that stood out to you?
One of the most interesting fantasies I learned about through this survey was something that one female participant described as being a “human cow.” Specifically, she wanted to be tied up in the center of town where she would be force fed hormones that would make her lactate constantly while people would come and milk her and have sex with her whenever they wanted. I only received one fantasy like this, but after writing the book, I learned that there’s a whole porn genre devoted to women dressed as cows while they’re tied up and hooked to milking machines.
What is your advice to someone who has expressed a particular sexual desire to a partner who is unwilling to fulfill it?
If the results of my survey have taught me anything, it’s that most of us aren’t just fantasizing about one thing and one thing only—we tend to have multiple sex fantasies. So odds are that even if you and your partner aren’t a match on a given fantasy, there will likely be several other areas where you’ll have common ground. Therefore, I would suggest looking for other desires that are mutually shared. The other thing I would advise is to avoid pressuring or coercing your partner into fulfilling a given fantasy because that’s not going to turn out well for anyone.
What is your advice to someone who may be uncomfortable fulfilling their partner’s desire?
First and foremost, don’t do anything you don’t want to do. And if you’re uncomfortable with something, consider proposing an alternative activity that could potentially fulfill your partner’s desire while also being of interest to you. For instance, if your partner is turned on by the idea of a threesome but you aren’t, you might compromise by looking for other ways of interjecting novelty into your sex life, such as by role playing or watching porn together. The need for sexual novelty is one that is pervasive, but it’s endlessly flexible and there are so many ways that it can be achieved.
What role does evolution play in sexual fantasy and desire?
As I discuss in the book, there’s a lot of research to suggest that people’s sexual fantasies and desires are shaped, to some extent, by our evolutionary history. The idea here is that the unique reproductive challenges faced by our ancestors may have predisposed us to certain desires that are likely to assist us in meeting those challenges. For example, this would include desiring partners with physical attributes that signify sexual maturity, fertility, and strong genes (think men with chiseled bodies and women with hourglass figures) because this would help to ensure that we focus our attention on prospective partners with whom there would be better odds of successful reproduction. As I discuss in Tell Me What You Want, this line of reasoning helps to explain why the likes of Channing Tatum and Scarlett Johansson top the list of the most fantasized about celebrities.
Thank you for sharing all of this information about your research. Now we have a few questions about you! First, how do other people react to your career as a sex researcher and educator when they find out what you do?
Being a sex researcher is something that’s both a blessing and a curse. I absolutely love my job and the fact that I’m able to learn new things about sex every day, to share this information with the world through my writing, and to contribute to scientific knowledge. At the same time, though, it means that everyone wants to ask me their sex questions—even when I’m at a dinner party or out with my friends. All of us want to be able to escape our work sometimes and even though I find sex to be a really interesting and fascinating subject, I need a break from it sometimes!
You used to work at Harvard University. What did you find the most surprising about working there?
One of the classes I taught at Harvard was Psychology of Human Sexuality. I was surprised to learn that this course hadn’t been offered in the Psychology Department there for several years before I started teaching it. This meant there was a lot of pent-up demand, so I ended up having some pretty big classes.
One of the most unique things I discovered about teaching at Harvard, though, was the fact that there aren’t a ton of required courses and students largely get to choose their own curriculum. The first week of every semester is known as “shopping week” and it’s when students go sit in on a bunch of classes and decide what to take. It puts a lot of pressure on you as an instructor to engage your students from the moment they set foot in your classroom because if you don’t capture their attention that first week, they won’t sign up for your course. That experience actually ended up making me a much better instructor because I really had to figure out how to captivate an audience.
What is the most important thing about sex that you want all therapists and healthcare providers who deal with sexuality issues to know?
There are so many things! I don’t know that I can recommend just one piece of information, but I think it’s important for them to recognize that our knowledge and understanding of human sexuality is constantly changing and evolving. And the “replication crisis” in science is affecting our field, too. As we go back and revisit older findings in the literature and attempt to repeat them, we’re finding that they don’t necessarily all hold up (such as the finding from the 1980s that men exposed to Playboy centerfolds reported less love for their partners than men exposed to abstract art—that was a highly cited finding for decades, but modern researchers have found that they can’t replicate it). This means that your sex education can’t end with your graduate training and it speaks to the importance of and need for continuing education for therapists and healthcare providers. We all need these opportunities to keep up to date on the literature and to ensure we’re practicing with the best available data and information in mind. The good news is that a lot of these continuing education opportunities are available through the Sexual Health Alliance and elsewhere. All you need to do is seek them out!
What are the most common or influential sex books you reference in your work?
One of the books I reference most frequently is The Social Organization of Sexuality by Laumann and colleagues. This is the book that’s based on the National Health and Social Life Survey from the 1990s. It’s really a treasure trove of information about Americans’ sexuality from that point in time (just like Kinsey’s books were for people in the 1940s and 50s). It’s one of the most comprehensive sex surveys ever conducted, and it’s really useful as a reference point when looking at how sexual behaviors were similar/different a quarter-century ago.
I reference the book A Billion Wicked Thoughts with some frequency too. This book looks at what our porn searches say about us and it provides some revealing insights about sexuality today.
Who in the field of sex research inspires you?
There are a lot of people who inspire me, but one of the first names that comes to mind is Dr. Lori Brotto. She does it all—she’s has this incredible body of research that is supported by millions of dollars in grants, but she’s also engaged in clinical practice, she disseminates science to the public through the media, she’s an incredibly dynamic public speaker and educator, and she’s written an amazing book called Better Sex Through Mindfulness. She’s also just a wonderful human being who has seemingly managed to find that elusive work-life balance, too. I’m in awe of what she has accomplished.
As a research fellow at the Kinsey Institute, you have made a wonderful career as a sex educator. What would you recommend to young educators wanting to follow in your footsteps?
The most important thing to know is that there isn’t just one path you can pursue. Sex educators come from wonderfully diverse backgrounds. You could get your training in social psychology like I did, but I know sex educators who have backgrounds in public health, biology, anthropology, and several other fields. So start by choosing the discipline that’s the best fit for you and your interests.
The other big thing to consider is how you want to educate people—do you want to work in a college setting? Do you want to teach adolescents? Do you want to put on workshops or write for the general public? Connect with some educators who are in the area you want to pursue and ask for their advice because each area may require different credentials or experience.
Thank you Dr. Justin Lehmiller!
-SHA Team
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SEX NERD TRIVIA AND BINGO BANGO! COMES TO DENVER, COLORADO!
WE’RE THRILLED TO BE AT CARBON CAFE AND BAR ONCE A MONTH WITH OUR SEX NERD TRIVIA SHOW IN DENVER, COLORADO!!
Open to all professionals and industries. All sex nerds welcome. All curious minds encouraged to join.
Free!
Carbon Cafe and Bar has a great food and drink menu so be sure to get there early to find a seat and grab a drink! http://www.carbondenver.com
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Launching our Sex Therapy Certification Program in Chicago, Seattle and Los Angeles!
We’re excited to be branching out and expanding to areas where the demand is great! As always, all of our trainings are open to all industries and professionals as we believe anyone that might have a conversation about sex with another, deserves high quality sex education.
THE SEXUAL HEALTH ALLIANCE (SHA) IS PROUD TO OFFER A FULL SEX THERAPY CERTIFICATION PROGRAM WITH 155 AASECT CE YOU CAN APPLY TOWARD AASECT SEX THERAPY CERTIFICATION AND/OR AASECT SEXUALITY EDUCATOR CERTIFICATION!
Throughout the program you will:
1.) Attend 3 live (in-person) Sexceptional Weekends in the SHA region of your choice. We are currently in Austin, Dallas, Denver, Seattle, Los Angeles and Chicago with more coming soon.
Los Angeles - May 3rd-4th 2019, This weekend kicks off the program locally in LA.
Chicago - May 10th-11th, 2019, This weekend kicks off the program locally in Chicago.
Seattle - May 31st- June 1st, 2019, This weekend kicks off the program locally in Seattle.
2.) Take our online program with the national experts.
Complete number 1 and 2 above and earn 155+ AASECT CEs toward AASECT Certification. You will also automatically obtain the Sexual Health Alliance Certification when completing this program.
*Includes SHA online program + 3 in-person weekends in citie(s) of choice + Meet & Greet Parties with your cohort + Access to Online resource group and supervisor lists, "Do it for me" AASECT Application - we will fill it out with you, discussion sessions with THE experts, Welcome Swag Bag and more!
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Sexual Health Alliance performs our Sex Nerd Trivia Set at the Unify Pleasure Carnival
We’re excited to be invited to perform our Sex Nerd Trivia Set at the Unify Pleasure Carnival Feb 14th, 2019!
Step right up and experience UNIFY's "Pleasure Carnival" at the Brick on Thursday, February 14th from 7-11pm. Sponsored by Kind Clinic!
Carnival games galore! Valentine's Day vendor market to get something for your sweetie!
Shop to your hearts content with:
Echale Books
Caricatures by Audrey
Pure Romance By LaureeB
Le’Bleu Apothecary
Picadeli
Akaimi Davis: Mixed Media Artist
Erotic Blueprints by David Miron
Is romance in your future? Ask our Fortune Teller! All dolled up? Swing by our photo booth with tons of fun props! Free bear hugs all night from the Renegade Bears of San Antonio - Fan Page!
Door prizes throughout the evening, and special prizes for those who step up for a rapid HIV test. Beverages and munchies will also be available.
Find out more info: https://www.facebook.com/events/2137372926531883/
Be mesmerized by the beautiful Skharlott de la Noche of the SanAntonio Sistersof Perpetual Indulgence as our MC for evening!
Experience the oddities in our Drag Freak Show, starring MISS TAINT of Miss Taint’s Fright Night! These Drag Queens and Kings will delight you! 2 shows will titillate your senses!
Performances by: San Antonio's glamour ghoul Miss Taint, and the scandalous bearded queen Gena Cyde, and bucking twirling diva Naima Jackson- Hewitt , as well as members of the Haus of Coven - Haus elder and opulent drag entity Paradox Rei, the sensual, sultry ladyqueen Taryn Tino, Texas' only heterosexual male drag queen, the alluring, ominous Vanta Blvck, and one of Haus of Coven's drag kings, the spectacular MysterySA!
Be awed by the extraordinary feats of the POLYACROUS who defy gravity on the trapeze and tumble into your heart. Don't worry, you get 2 chances to witness their super human skills!
Round out your evening by warming up your biggest organ with a Sex Nerd Trivia hosted by the Southwest Sexual Health Alliance! Have your phones ready to answer all questions regarding pleasure and sex!
18+, carpooling is highly encouraged! Questions? Contact us at 210-261-3616 or abenton@chcsbc.org
We can’t wait to perform for y’all at the Pleasure Carnival presented by UNIFY San Antonio this Thursday 2/14 at Brick at Blue Star Arts Complex 🎟
The alternative scene of SA is ready to present a freakshow of drag oddities , with two sets you don’t want to miss ! Never seen a drag show before ? Now is the perfect opportunity to do so - tipping is customary so be sure to bring some loose bills . Broke ? No worries - we feed off of audience applause and noise , because it’s what? FREE !
SA CURRENT PRIDE 2017 COVERGHOULS:
Miss Taint - @miss_taint
Paradox Rei - @theparadoxrei
MEMBERS OF Haus of Coven
Vanta Blvck- @missvantablvck
Mystery SA- @therealmysterysa
(Taryn Tino)- @taryn_tino_
SAN ANTONIO FAVORITES
Gena Cyde- @queengenacyde
Naima Jackson-Hewitt- @jesseaholton82
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Resource Roundup! High Praise for Dr. Justin Lehmiller!
Updated: March 5th, 2024
We’re pleased to be in the third year of our international study abroad program with Dr. Justin Lehmiller as our guide. Dr. Lehmiller is our international study abroad advisor and has been providing sexceptional education and trainings to the Sexual Health Alliance for over seven years now. We look forward all that we have planned for the next seven! Will it be another book, a new country to explore or something entirely different? Follow us and join our email list to find out!
—
Our Sexceptional Lecturer, Dr. Justin Lehmiller continues to outstanding praise and media coverage. Since 2018, he has been on a world tour with the Sexual Health Alliance to deliver trainings to all types of professionals in Denver, CO, Austin, TX, Dallas, TX, Los Angelos, CA, Chicago, IL and Seattle, WA . Visit our Events tab at the top of the page to find all upcoming events!
TELL ME WHAT YOU WANT by Dr. JUSTIN LEHMILLER Media Coverage
Major features (print and online)
The Wall Street Journal
https://www.wsj.com/articles/new-research-delves-into-sexual-fantasies-1529936957
The Daily Mail (U.K.)
NUVO (Indianapolis paper)
De Morgen (Begium newspaper)
Bustle
https://www.bustle.com/p/the-7-most-popular-sexual-fantasies-according-to-4000-americans-9615180
Mel Magazine
https://melmagazine.com/americans-crave-group-sex-fc57e932b3ae
Livestrong
https://www.livestrong.com/article/13713594-the-most-popular-sexual-fantasy-americans-have/
The Sunday Times (U.K.)
Psychology Today
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/standard-deviations/201807/fantasy-island-research-probes-the-science-sexual-desire (book review by Michael Aaron)
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/stepmonster/201807/what-we-think-about-when-we-think-about-and-have-sex (Q&A with Wednesday Martin)
https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/the-myths-sex/201807/where-do-our-sexual-fantasies-come
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/women-who-stray/201807/the-politics-cuckolding (post by Dr. David Ley)
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/sex-matters/201811/new-research-might-be-able-predict-your-sexual-fantasies (post by Ari Tuckman)
Herald Sun (Australia)
The Sun (U.K.)
https://www.thesun.co.uk/fabulous/6671001/six-common-sexual-fantasies-revealed/
https://www.thesun.co.uk/fabulous/6757293/two-year-sex-survey-brits/
https://www.thesun.co.uk/fabulous/7562703/sexual-fantasies-personality/
Daily Mirror (U.K.)
https://www.mirror.co.uk/lifestyle/sex-relationships/sex/top-6-most-common-sexual-12839475
https://www.mirror.co.uk/lifestyle/health/how-improve-your-sex-life-12895401
Bild (German tabloid)
goop
Metro (U.K.)
https://metro.co.uk/2018/07/07/seven-common-sexual-fantasies-7690384/
The I (U.K.)
https://inews.co.uk/opinion/the-deeper-psychological-needs-behind-your-sexual-fantasies/
The Independent (U.K.)
VICE/TONIC (book excerpt)
https://tonic.vice.com/en_us/article/evk8ae/how-to-stop-feeling-guilty-about-what-you-want-in-bed
USA Today
Republished in the Battle Creek Enquirer (Michigan) in print
Ask Me Anything on Reddit (July 10)
https://www.reddit.com/r/IAmA/comments/8xr09r/i_am_justin_lehmiller_a_research_fellow_at_the/
New York Journal of Books (review)
https://www.nyjournalofbooks.com/book-review/tell-me
Naked at Our Age by Joan Price (review)
http://betterthanieverexpected.blogspot.com/2018/07/tell-me-what-you-want-by-justin.html
The Atlantic
https://www.theatlantic.com/family/archive/2018/07/sexual-fantasies-justin-lehmiller/565547/
The Indianapolis Star
Republished in USA Today: https://www.usatoday.com/story/life/nation-now/2018/07/19/kinsey-institute-sex-researcher-sexual-fantasies/800581002/
Republished in Cincinnati Enquirer: https://www.cincinnati.com/story/entertainment/arts/2018/07/19/kinsey-sex-doc-most-common-sexual-fantasy-america/786609002/
Republished in Louisville Courier Journal: https://www.courier-journal.com/story/entertainment/arts/2018/07/20/most-common-sexual-fantasy-america/807749002/
The Cut
https://www.thecut.com/article/what-its-like-to-be-a-sex-researcher.html
CNN
https://www.cnn.com/2018/07/24/health/sex-fantasies-kerner/index.html
Republished in CNN Chile: https://www.cnnchile.com/tendencias/esto-es-lo-que-tus-fantasias-sexuales-dicen-sobre-ti_20181020/
Chicago Tribune
Republished in Arizona Daily Star: https://tucson.com/lifestyles/balancing-act-americans-no-sexual-fantasy-survey-says/article_a1af8470-daec-56cf-880f-620e7c39ec7d.html
Republished in the Santa Barbara News Press (print only)
Of Sex and Love Blog (review)
http://ofsexandlove.com/tell-me-what-you-want
Boston Globe
Fatherly
https://www.fatherly.com/love-money/sex/sex-fantasies-common-desire-shame-research/
Men’s Health Magazine (print) – “Ask an Advisor” feature entitled “Reel Sex” published in the September 2018 issue
Romance Daily News
https://www.romancedailynews.com/trends
RealClearLife
http://www.realclearlife.com/books/americas-sexual-fantasies-laid-bare-new-book/
Yahoo Brazil
Broadly
https://broadly.vice.com/en_us/article/qvmynb/five-most-common-sexual-kinks-fantasies
Maxim
https://www.maxim.com/maxim-man/most-popular-kinks-in-america-2018-9
NUVO (online and in print)
Brides.com
https://www.brides.com/story/fantasize-about-your-partner
The New York Times (review)
https://www.nytimes.com/2018/10/17/books/review/tell-me-what-you-want-justin-lehmiller.html
Published in print on October 21, 2018
Huffington Post
Elite Daily
Politico (op-ed written by me)
Covered in Rolling Stone
Covered in Yahoo
https://www.yahoo.com/entertainment/republicans-democrats-divided-sexual-fantasies-182845074.html
Covered in Yahoo News UK
https://sports.yahoo.com/left-wingers-right-wingers-different-sexual-fantasies-124251689.html
Covered in Indy100
Covered in IFL Science
Covered in LGBTQ Nation
Covered in Inquisitor
Covered on The Late Show With Stephen Colbert
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3neoZaTEUeM&feature=youtu.be
Information (Danish newspaper)
Glamour Paris
The California Therapist (book review by Dr. Marty Klein in the September/October 2018 issue)
http://viewer.zmags.com/publication/8054e4ab#/8054e4ab/80
Book review by author Piers Anthony in his HiPiers newsletter (November 2018)
http://hipiers.com/newsletter.html
Forthcoming:
Cosmo – book will be featured in Sex Q&A (October). Will also be mentioned in January issue in a piece on fantasies
Psychology Today (print edition – they will be reprinting some of my blog posts about the book in the November/December issue)
Playboy (German Edition) - November
Radio, Podcasts, and TV
Savage Lovecast – interview with Dan Savage on July 3, 2018
https://www.savagelovecast.com/episodes/610#.Wz5GgWaZPUJ
Sex with Dr. Jess Podcast – interview on July 6, 2018
https://www.sexwithdrjess.com/2018/07/what-do-your-neighbors-fantasize-about/
Pleasure Mechanics Podcast – July 13, 2018
Talk Louisiana – July 18, 2018
http://wrkf.org/post/wednesday-june-18th-roger-villere-bruce-herschensohn-justin-lehmiller
Airtalk (NPR and KPCC) – August 6, 2018
You: The Owner’s Manual (Radio MD) – August 7, 2018
http://radiomd.com/show/you-the-owners-manual-radio-show/item/38100-ep-907b-improve-your-sex-life
The Psychology Podcast with Dr. Scott Barry Kaufman – recorded August 22, 2018
https://scottbarrykaufman.com/podcast/the-science-of-sexual-fantasies-with-justin-lehmiller/
Covered in Scientific American: https://blogs.scientificamerican.com/beautiful-minds/podcast-recap-october-2018-sexual-fantasies-dna-habits-and-perfect-timing/
Her podcast (Radio MD) – recorded August 23, 2018
http://radiomd.com/show/her/item/38121-sexual-fantasies
Me Time with Frangela (Television program) – August 23, 2018 and October 23, 2018
Science of Sex podcast with Dr. Zhana Vrangalova – recorded September 26, 2018
https://scienceofsexpodcast.com/42-what-your-sexual-fantasies-say-about-you/
Doctor Radio (Sirius XM) with Dr. Virginia Sadock – October 1, 2018
Savage Lovecast (second appearance) – recorded on October 9, 2018
https://www.savagelovecast.com/episodes/626#.W89E0i-ZPUI
Tell Me Everything (Sirius XM) – Interview with John Fugelsang – October 16, 2018
Sex with Emily podcast – October 23, 2018
http://sexwithemily.com/26352-2/
Sexology podcast with Dr. Nazanin Moali – recorded November 2, 2018
http://www.sexologypodcast.com/2018/11/13/sexual-fantasies-justin-lehmiller/
The Ersties Podcast (based in Berlin, Germany) - November 13, 2018
Sex with Strangers podcast – November 13, 2018
BBC Radio – Sex Takeover – November 20, 2018
Why Are People Into That?! Podcast – December 10, 2018
Book Mentions (not specifically about the book, but mention the book)
Cosmo
https://www.cosmopolitan.com/sex-love/a20967150/dry-orgasm-no-ejaculation/
Playboy
https://www.playboy.com/read/how-should-we-think-about-forced-sex-fantasies-in-the-era-of-metoo
VICE/TONIC
https://tonic.vice.com/en_us/article/7xqq4g/women-short-orgasms
IO Donna (Italian women’s magazine)
Prevention
https://www.prevention.com/sex/a21969931/sex-addiction-signs/
Metro (UK)
https://metro.co.uk/2018/07/23/people-call-sexual-partners-daddy-7747622/
Quartz
Women’s Health (Australia)
https://www.womenshealth.com.au/what-to-do-sexless-marriage
Queerty
Chicago Tribune (online and in print)
Patch.com
Bustle
https://www.bustle.com/p/morning-sex-may-make-you-more-productive-a-new-survey-says-11460888
The Science Advice Goddess - column by Amy Alkon
(Syndicated in about 100 newspapers, many of which are print only)
https://www.creators.com/read/advice-goddess-amy-alkon/09/18/codger-and-me
NUVO
The Advocate (October/November print issue and also online)
https://www.advocate.com/love-and-sex/2018/9/21/what-do-adults-fantasize-about#slide-0
The Atlantic
https://www.theatlantic.com/family/archive/2018/10/premarital-cohabitation-divorce/573817/
Mel Magazine
https://melmagazine.com/en-us/story/why-were-all-so-thirsty-for-blood
https://melmagazine.com/en-us/story/the-enduring-appeal-of-the-erotic-maid
Toronto Sun
https://torontosun.com/life/relationships/why-do-men-send-unsolicited-d-pics/amp
See more publications and projects on Dr. Justin Lehmiller’s CV / Resume
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An Outpouring of Kindness Benefitting the Kind Clinic this Thursday!
AUSTIN - Hang out at Pour Choices this Thursday evening and half of the tab goes towards The Kind Clinic!
PLUS The Sexual Health Alliance is a sponsor and we will have prizes and giveaways including tix to our next event!!
The Kind Clinic is an AMAZING resource in ATX. They offer FREE services and support to the community on all things sexual health and wellness related. See you there!!
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SHA @ AASECT
We are pleased to invite you and your friends to an impromptu Happy Hour with Giveaways and Games sponsored by The Sexual Health Alliance, Uberlube, MysteryVibe and More on Friday June 15th @ 5:30pm Lobby Bar. Our Community Director, Emily Bridge, LPC alongside Samar Poorlakani, LPC will be handling Bingo Bango! and more fun (yes, similar to last year in Vegas).
Hang out with us and learn about our upcoming full certification program we are developing with Dr. Chris Donaghue and all the other fun programs we run in our three regions and 7 cities.
The Sexual Health Alliance provides local training and community to all professionals and non-professionals. Our events and programming are intended to build community, spark dialogue and encourage collaboration. We build communities that are well-informed and all inclusive. We recognize that general therapists and medical professionals receive little to no education in sexuality in graduate training programs and it is a significant issue. We’re dedicated to bringing the brightest minds and biggest game changers in sexual health to the Southwest, Great Lakes, and Golden Coast. See you there!
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SHA named one of the Top 40 Sexual Health Blogs!
Feedspot names SHA one of the Top 40 sexual health blogs. Other sexual blogs can be found on their website.
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