I first witnessed the act of squirting on my phone screen as I was under the sheets trying to flick the bean. It was sudden, messy, and almost surreal. The vagina that squirted in the film looked nothing like mine. The vagina-owner’s body looked nothing like mine. Thus, I made quick comparative notes and assumed that my body would never be able to experience the rush of squirting.
Nonetheless, last December I abruptly experienced it. I was on top and after a few thrusts, my partner told me I opened a fountain on his bed. I didn’t even realize I squirted until I was informed. Squirting looked like such an unrealistic expectation from my body that I failed to even notice it. This was one of the many instances when I underestimated my body’s pleasure capacity and failed to fully understand how it operates. I decided my body couldn’t do it without even giving it a chance.
It is important to note that underestimating my pleasure abilities wasn’t my own doing. Being a vagina owner—one who is constantly put down by society for exploring her sexuality the way she likes it—is what led me to miscalculate my pleasure potential. Simply living in our bodies and making decisions around them has become a regular act of activism and protest, especially for vagina owners, BIPOC persons, and members of the LGBTQIA+ community. When our sexualities are not made to feel safe enough to be explored openly without getting slut-shamed, it can become almost impossible to grasp our personal pleasure potential. Women and femme-identified persons are always assumed to be in the backseat of a sex drive, with men taking charge in the front. This patriarchal assumption is what contributes to women and femme-identified persons feeling less confident and responsible for their own pleasure needs, ultimately leading to the growing case of orgasm gap. We are not taught about mutual pleasure or even the foundations of bodily pleasure to begin with—so men often get to orgasm and women and femmes get some oohs and ahhs along the road.
Unsurprisingly, this is noticed more in heteronormative relationships. A study by Garcia et al. (2014) found that lesbian couples share more orgasms than straight women. Less pressure and focus on penetrative-centered sex and more on pleasure-centered sex can therefore help diminish the orgasm gap. With that, it is axiomatic to say that the pleasure gap is not biological but rather birthed from patriarchal scripts of sexuality, relationships, and bodily autonomy. During SHA’s recent conference, Dr. Fabiola Perez dove further into the fact that there is a lack of pleasure vocabulary for women as orgasms have become more political in nature. Centering on vagina-penis penetration limits individuals from seeking sexual experiences that might actually be more pleasurable. And if you have to be one of those women or femmes who only give head to get head, then so be it. Asking to have your own pleasure needs fulfilled is nothing to be ashamed about. The more we communicate about our desires and set boundaries, the closer we’ll be to dissolve the orgasm gap.
Moreover, anthropological studies have shown that in societies that appreciate and empower sexual equality, women undeniably experience more orgasms, while societies that undervalue and mystify pleasure face more sexual problems. With no focus on femme pleasure, there’s bound to be dysfunctions in our sexual experiences as we fail to recognize what’s satisfying and healthy for our sex life. A study by Klein et al. (2022) further suggests that sexual pleasure among women is linked to more sexual health benefits than among men. Defining pleasure as an equal opportunity and encouraging uplifting conversations can help bring in greater sexual well-being for all.
Another vital factor to consider when thinking about growing our erotic essences is to let go of the faux tales of misogynistic, toxic heteronormative-monogamist sex and love most of us grew up learning. The diverse experiences of sex and love are as unique to you as your individualized topping choice on your individualized frozen yogurt flavor from a variety. Yes, your choices might be highly unusual or even, conversely, the most usual at the shop—but you taste the flavors you want to taste. Liberating yourself from the chains of a sex-negative society and devising your pleasure capabilities within a sex-positive view attracts not only self-confidence but also a deeper understanding of sexual expectations and boundaries. It’s okay to discover that not all sexual acts will appeal to you. Some acts might feel overwhelming and others even unrealistic to think about let alone experience. Feeling secure in your own body in a stress-free context is essential to successfully exploring your desires. It is also meaningful to remember that wanting to explore your pleasure capacities is not to say that you just want to indulge in sexual acts. Having the freedom of pleasure also means not wanting to desire or seek it all. It’s your body, your decision, and your satisfactory pleasure estimations.
One of the most influential endeavors to help close the pleasure gap is the workshop-based practice Bodysex, started by the celebrated sex educator, Betty Dodson Ph.D. The aim is to listen and learn how our bodies operate and what they need to feel pleasure. Hence, considering my pleasure to be an infinitely intimate affair at which your body deserves to drink cocktails and dance throughout the night is how I personally choose to prevent underestimating my sexual possibilities. In the end, I hope you can join this conversation and help build a fairer world for every pleasure-seeking person.
Written by Shreya Tomar.